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The Rule of Awesome

January 24, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

I think a lot about how to live life and how to be happy. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how often the Rule of Awesome applies.

What is the Rule of Awesome? It’s the idea that when you’re dissatisfied with yourself or your circumstances, you do something awesome. You make the choice to take an action that is positive and exciting and cool. You focus on yourself and how you can be a more fulfilled person instead of focusing on those things that you cannot change.

Following the Rule of Awesome might not fix your problems, but what it will do is put you back into a place of empowerment. And it makes life a lot more fun.

Of course, cultivating the awesome and noticing it when it presents itself can be difficult. But it’s just another mental muscle; with attention and practice, finding awesomeness gets easier over time. And as you make awesome, the opportunities for more awesome tend to multiply.

There’s also our old friend, the fear of failure, trying to discourage us from pursuing the awesome. After all, what if the awesome turns out to be merely mediocre, or even flat-out bad? Which is why I think the more awesome things you’re doing or planning to do, the better. That way when some of them don’t pan out, it doesn’t matter as much since there are more awesome things on the horizon. And when we focus more on the process than the result, we have more time to enjoy the awesome even if everything doesn’t work out perfectly in the end.

Taking a stroll in Central Park the day before a hurricane? Definitely awesome.

Taking a stroll in Central Park the day before a hurricane? Definitely awesome.

Most of the time, though, the Rule of Awesome tends to work out pretty well for me. So to inspire you, I’m going to cook up some ideas for more awesome in the months to come. (Yes, this does mean I get to make a list. And yes, lists are very obviously made of awesome.)

– Try vanilla ice cream with the following toppings: chocolate syrup, strawberry jam, maple syrup, and M&Ms. Really I think maybe having both jam and maple syrup is too much, but I think I’m going to try it anyway. Why? Because it’s awesome.

– Drive down to Santa Cruz with someone who thinks the following is as awesome as I do: mini-golf, air hockey, crepes, and ice cream. Oh, and freezing cold beach time, when the wind is ripping through your hair and your cheeks are getting numb and you taste salt on your lips.

– Battlestar Galactica the Board Game. Enough said.

– Dye my hair red to see what it looks like.

– Go see this guy perform live.

– Write a novel set in space. Even though it’s freaking terrifying. Why? Because its awesomeness factor makes it totally worth it.

– Throw a big party and convince everyone to dress up in fabulous costumes.

– Buy lots and lots of dominoes and make a huge standing domino pattern until I can’t wait any longer and have to topple them all.

– Go to Iceland and attempt to see the Northern Lights in October before heading down to Brighton and World Fantasy con. Seriously, I can’t think of anything much more awesome than this. Obviously this is a thing that all of you who are SF/F writers should do with me.

Most fun list-making game ever. Help make my list longer. What’s something awesome you might do in the next year?

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Photo Shoots and Practical Jokes

January 22, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

This weekend I was in Detroit attending the Immortal ConFusion convention. While I was there, this happened:

Photo by Al Bogdan

You can read all about it here and here. But what you won’t read about in those places is how I ended up attending the private shooting session for this photo.

I knew my good friend Al Bogdan was going to be doing the shoot, and I asked him if he needed an assistant. I was kind of joking…but only kind of. Happily for me, no one objected to Al having some extra help, which led to one of the more memorable hours of the weekend. I helped unload, set up the backdrop, run messages, and compare the authors posing in front of me to the cover we were trying to imitate. And I take all credit for Charlie Stross’s silver modesty drape in the above photo.

Also, this happened:

Photo by Al Bogdan

Photo by Al Bogdan

I believe this is the only currently extant photo of me with a Hugo rocket.

I also had my first practical joke pulled on me. I know, I can’t really believe it’s my first either, but I’ve spent some time wracking my brains, and nothing else has come to mind. So this is my official first. It involved the personal delivery of pastries (yum, pastries) to my hotel room at an ungodly hour of the morning. Well, ungodly for night owl, jet-lagged me, in any case. I used Twitter to coin the term “pastry bomb,” as in “My friends totally pastry bombed me this morning.” I can’t think of a more Amy-appropriate first practical joke. Also, I had pastries to eat for the rest of the con, which was a definite win for me.

Maybe I should have taken photos of the pastries or something, but instead I have a photo of me a little later that day. I think this illustrates my mood post-prank pretty well, and if you look closely, you can see my Ferrett-inspired pretty princess nails.

Photo by Al Bogdan

Photo by Al Bogdan

And now I’m home and sleepy and happily working on the query for Academy of Forgetting (I might throw it up here at some point, since you heard me talking about that book all last year) and the brainstorming for my next novel, which takes place in space and is therefore inherently exciting.

Since I am new to the world of practical jokes, leave me a comment if you have any stories about ones you’ve pulled (or had pulled on you). I obviously have a lot to learn.

Posted in Life, Science fiction and fantasy | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Thanks, Love, and a Ferrett

January 17, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

This weekend, one of my closest friends had a heart attack. He spent most of the day Tuesday in surgery. On Wednesday, soon before I sat down to type this, he started breathing on his own again. The surgery went well, I think.

I am so relieved and grateful.

My "pretty princess" nails in support of Ferrett.

My “pretty princess” nails in support of Ferrett.

I originally became friends with Ferrett because of this blog, and in fact, he is the single person who has had the most influence on it. I came up with the idea of the Backbone Project because of his blogging advice, and in characteristic Ferrett fashion, he threw himself behind my idea with enthusiasm and support. And so we became friends.

Over time, we became better friends. And he was the first one who was there when life began to crumble apart. He was the one I could show the cracks and imperfections, the confusion and the doubt. He understood what I was trying to do, and he believed in my ability to do it, even when I couldn’t believe in it myself.

We were talking about what to do when we falter on Tuesday. If you’re lucky enough, having a friend who believes in you with all his heart can be a powerful thing indeed. And Ferrett has one of the biggest and most generous hearts of anyone I’ve met.

He’s also taught me what it means to be a friend. In a healthy, supportive, and non-people pleaser kind of way.

Through these last few days, when I’ve been mentally in a hospital in Cleveland even though I couldn’t be there physically, I’ve been reminded quite strongly of what’s important to me. I’m always big on priorities, of course, but there’s nothing like a life-or-death kind of event to give you a little extra kick and provide some perspective.

I’m in a liminal space right now, and I don’t like it. I mean, it has its advantages and interesting parts, and it is completely necessary, but it’s a hard place for me to stay for an extended period of time. But I realize that even in this space, I can and am focusing on the things that matter to me: the people I care about (and one very adorable little dog); my writing and creative work; maintaining and improving myself (physically, mentally, and emotionally); experiencing joy and wonder in the world around me.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I want. But that is not actually true at all. I know exactly what I want. I just don’t always know the form it will take or the balance it will require.

Ferrett wrote a post for his blog the day before his surgery. He said: “There is a small chance that these will be the last words I ever write on this blog.  And if they are… let them be thanks and love.”

It doesn’t look like those will be his last words on the blog, thank goodness. But if they had been, they would have been very fine last words indeed.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

How to Stay Strong in the Face of Judgment

January 15, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

This weekend I got a question on an old post of mine that I thought deserved a longer response. The post is on the topic of the difficulties of being a free spirit, and the commenter asked: “”What do you do when you falter? How do you stay strong in the face of judgement?” Both excellent questions.

What do I do when I falter? And oh wow, do I falter. Most of us do. It’s hard to make unconventional choices, and it takes a fair amount of courage, and sometimes my supply of courage feels like it’s running short. What to do about this indeed?

One answer is to pay attention as much as we can, so at least we have a chance of noticing when we’re faltering. And once we’ve noticed, we can allow ourselves to be gentle about it. It’s fine to feel the fear, the discomfort, the wish that the choices that seem so much easier would be the right choices for us. But we also need to remember the why’s. Why do we like being free-spirited? Why do we prefer considering options instead of making the default choice? Why is this better?

When I falter, I remind myself of my experiences of doing what others expected or wanted rather than what I wanted, and how that usually turned out poorly. I give myself my own personalized pep talk. And because I’m a planner, I develop a plan for getting myself back on track, which might include getting additional support.

Photo Credit: bogenfreund via Compfight cc

Far more difficult in my own experience is staying strong in the face of judgment. Being judged is such a creepy-crawly, uncomfortable experience. And even though it so often is all about the person doing the judging rather than the person being judged, it still feels very personal.

The first place to look is to ourselves. If we encourage our own minds to be judgmental and critical of ourselves, then we’ll feel that same sensation of judgment coming from the outside as well…even if it doesn’t actually exist outside at all. So we need to be kind to ourselves while developing our own sense of worth. The more we believe in ourselves, the more confident we become. And the more confident we become, the less it matters what other people think, and the easier it becomes to remember that their judgments are more about them than about us.

It’s harder when the judgments are coming from people whom we care about: our family and friends. Sometimes their voices become so loud that we internalize them and can hear them criticizing us even when they aren’t present. And because we value their opinions, it can be harder to tell the difference between genuine concern and viewpoints respectfully expressed and more manipulative and painful judgments.

For this, I am a big fan of setting boundaries. When we’re not used to having boundaries, it takes a lot of practice. Really a lot. And not only that, but people can become quite judgmental about the fact that you have boundaries in the first place. But it’s psychologically healthy to have boundaries, and over time they become super effective. You’re allowed to decide what you’re going to do with your life, and you’re allowed to take care of yourself. (I could write entire books about boundaries. In fact, people have, and here’s my favorite.)

So, in summary, here’s what I do when I falter and when I’m having trouble with the judgments of others:

1. Be mindful so I notice what’s going on.
2. Self pep talk, reminder of why what I’m doing is awesome.
3. Get support, make a plan if necessary.
4. Work on increasing self esteem and minimizing my own critical judgments.
5. Set boundaries with other people and take those boundaries really seriously.

What do you think? How do you stay strong in the face of judgment?

Posted in Life, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Insomnia, Thief of Sleep

January 10, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

I started having insomnia a few months after my mom was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer.

I had moved away to college in late September and she was diagnosed, I believe, in November. By springtime, I was having trouble sleeping. A high school classmate of mine had died in a motorcycle accident that winter. A fellow student in my Romantic Literature class was hit by a car and killed while jogging. The news from home wasn’t good. I felt surrounded by death.

I shared a bedroom at the time, and even though I lived in an apartment, one of my other housemates always slept on the fold-out couch in the living room with her boyfriend. When I was awake in the middle of the night, there was nowhere to go where I could cry or turn on the lights and read. So instead I’d go outside and sit in the dark on the front stoop or on top of the picnic table, a box of tissues by my feet.

There is a special kind of hush that happens at three or four in the morning. The stillness of the night while I sat on that stoop spoke of shutters being closed over the normal world while everyone slept. Everyone but me. I couldn’t sleep, so instead I sat. I thought about my mom and I wondered why people have to die and I wondered if I hoped hard enough maybe she would be okay after all and I wished I could sleep so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.

In the daylight hours, it’s not quite so difficult to keep the dark and grief-stained thoughts at bay. But in the shadows and the quiet, there’s no longer anything blocking them from view.

I was eighteen.

Photo by Elina Linina.

Ever since that time, there have been nights when I can’t sleep. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m too excited about the day I’ve had or the trip I’m taking in the morning or I’m worried about tomorrow or I haven’t allowed enough downtime before going to bed. Sleeping at conventions can be tricky for these sorts of reasons. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m sick or in physical pain.

And sometimes I can’t sleep because my heart hurts. These are always the worst nights. They remind me of those nights on the stoop, sobbing quietly for an incomprehensible loss I could do nothing to stop. I used to hope that if I cried enough, I’d create enough space for the sleep to come.

There are times when insomnia visits for a reason. Sleep stays away so that I pay attention. Often it’s something I don’t want to pay attention to, but my body has its own ideas of what’s good for me. Sometimes it’s even right.

What is insomnia like for you?

Posted in Grief, Life | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Comfortable Suffering

January 8, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

A few weeks ago I got to have a conversation with a respected Buddhist teacher. I asked him if it ever got discouraging, working with people who are stuck in one place and seemingly unable to dislodge themselves. And I’ve been thinking about his answer ever since.

People change when they want to change, he told me. And if they don’t want to change, there’s nothing else to be done. Even when they do want change, the process is difficult and sometimes the desire alone is not enough. And sometimes people are so caught up in their own stories that they really don’t want to change. They’re comfortable in their suffering.

I know exactly what he meant, because I’ve been comfortable in my suffering in the past. It’s a strange way to think about things because of course, being comfortable in suffering is often vastly uncomfortable. The key is in its relativity: that however uncomfortable the suffering might be, it is less uncomfortable than the alternative. It is less uncomfortable than the prospect of what change might mean.

Photo by Graham.

However, it is not only fear of change that is a driver here. It is also an inability to imagine anything different. It’s so easy for us to become caught up in our worldviews to the point that we don’t remember that other worldviews even exist, much less have the possibility of being equally valid. It’s easy to become blinded to anything outside of our experience. It can be easy to expect the worst, and by expecting it, summon it into our lives. (And we might not even realize we’re doing this, because it might not feel like expecting the worst; it might simply feel like maintaining the status quo.)

We act based on what we know. So when we wish to change, we often must change not only what we are doing but also what we believe to be true. We must question what we believe to be within the range of possibilities for ourselves.

I believe in our capacity to change with an almost desperate fierceness. I have to believe in it that way because I’m right in the middle of it, and it’s hard, and I don’t want to falter in my resolve. I often feel like I’m working five times as hard as usual. This process rinses and repeats, often from the tiniest stimulus: how do I feel? where is that feeling coming from? is there a way I can think about this differently? is this part of the new me or the old me, the new world view or the old one? if it’s the old one, can I let it go? how can I use this to open more to the world?

It is quiet work. For the most part, the outside world remains unaware that it is happening. Sometimes a friend offers me a helpful hand. Sometimes that help is a distraction, the space to laugh at it all, or just the reminder, “Take some downtime, Amy.” Because while it may be quiet work, it is also tiring, making myself new.

But I’ll let you in on a secret. My imagination is working, and I can picture it now: where I want to go. Where I am going. And who I’m going to be. There was always that part of me imagining what I secretly wanted but thought could never happen. Only now I believe in it. That belief makes it almost close enough to touch. (Maybe I’m already touching.)

Whatever it is I’m doing, it’s no longer a comfortable suffering. Instead it’s something that reminds me what it feels like to be alive.

Posted in Life, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments »

A Great Example of New Media Storytelling

January 3, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

But first, it’s the time of year when science fiction and fantasy writers begin to mention award season. I’ll make this short and sweet.

I am in my second (and final) year of eligibility for the Campbell Award for best new writer in science fiction and fantasy. You can vote for this award if you are voting for the Hugos. Here is my list of publications to date. I’m happy to send you a copy of anything on that list–just shoot me an email at practicalfreespirit@gmail.com

Also for the Hugos, I can be nominated in the Fan Writer category for my writing on this blog. I recently updated my Best of Blog page to include some blog posts from 2012. And if you’re looking for other people to nominate, I recommend checking out Theodora Goss and Ferrett Steinmetz, both of whom have strong blogs relevant to fandom and our community.

I had four short stories published last year, all of which can be nominated for the Nebulas and the Hugos. The complete list is here, but in my opinion the strongest one is Daddy’s Girl.

And now, for something completely different.

I have something new I’m really excited about. It’s a vlog called The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, and one of its executive producers is Hank Green of Vlogbrothers fame (he vlogs with his brother, writer John Green).

This vlog combines modern media and storytelling in a way that is special. Its conceit? It’s a modern-day adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. The main vlog belongs to Lizzie (aka Elizabeth) Bennet, who starts it with her friend Charlotte as a project for her communications masters. We are slowly introduced to the concerns and people of Lizzie’s world, and the acting and writing are both quite strong.

The audience can watch only these main videos and have a great time. However, for those who want more, it’s out there to find. Lizzie’s little sister Lydia starts her own vlog. Charlotte’s little sister Maria does a short series of videos as well. Each of the characters in the vlog has their own Twitter handle, and they tweet at each other and with the audience. (Unfortunately, whoever’s in charge of the Twitter accounts doesn’t understand the technicalities of how Twitter works so the responses aren’t threaded to each other in a way that is easy to read. Still very cool, though.) One of the characters (Jane) has a semi-active Tumblr account. There’s even a fake website of the company Lizzie is about to go visit for an independent study project next week.

Lizzie and Charlotte, dressed up as Lizzie’s parents

I’m fascinated by how the story is being updated to modern times. For example, the proposal of Mr. Collins to Lizzie isn’t exactly what it was in the book, even while it remains true to the spirit. There are plenty of references to catch for those who love Pride and Prejudice. I particularly love how so far the videos are very effective at highlighting the flaws in Lizzie’s character. But even for those who aren’t so into the book, this is a fascinating experiment of a different way of storytelling using a combination of video, websites, and social media.

I don’t know how I avoided hearing about this for so long, but now that I’m all caught up, I’m looking forward to experiencing the serial feel going forward. Another thing I really like about this vlog is how each episode feels complete in itself even while maintaining suspense and forward momentum. When I watch my other favorite web series, The Guild, I am often frustrated by how short each episode seems and how I feel like I’m constantly left hanging (maybe I got spoiled by getting to watch the first five seasons after they were completed, making them more like five movies). In contrast, each episode of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries has its own mini-arc that leaves me feeling satisfied.

I would love love love to be involved in the writing and/or producing of a project like this. Truly fabulous storytelling.

What media are you geeking out over right now?

Posted in Arts, Science fiction and fantasy, Social Media, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Blog Retrospective 2012

January 1, 2013 by Amy Sundberg

It’s been another good year here at the Practical Free Spirit. I haven’t run out of things to talk about yet, which is certainly encouraging. The site views have more than doubled from last year, and December of 2012 was the second highest traffic month in the blog’s history. The first was April of 2012, when people got very excited that I was talking about intelligent women (or intelligence at all, for that matter, because as it turns out, intelligence is a complicated and highly nuanced concept to talk about, not least because of the difficulty in defining it).

If you’ve been reading me for any length of time at all, you probably know how much I love writing for this blog. That hasn’t changed. I continue to learn so much from doing this: my writing continues to improve, my understanding grows from having to organize my thoughts into blog post form, and you, my readers, often respond in ways that cause me to think more deeply. Writing a blog is one way to allow my voice to be heard, and it’s certainly a way that works well for me.

Most Popular Posts of 2012:

I’m really pleased to see that the five top posts of 2012 are all posts that are among my personal favorites as well. The topics: feminism, intelligence, being an artist, and personal growth.

A Highly Intelligent Woman Speaks Out

Combine two controversial topics–intelligence and gender perceptions–and watch the fireworks!

Not All Highly Intelligent People are Arrogant Pricks

I love this blog title almost as much as I love exploding some myths about intelligence.

What does it mean to be an artist?

This is a question that is, not surprisingly, of deep and ongoing interest to me. I’m thrilled that other people find it interesting too.

Strong Female Characters Can Still Screw Up, Get Upset, and Cry

I talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, feminism, and ideas about what a strong female character really is.

Nice vs. Kind

In a quest to leave people pleasing behind, I discuss the differences between being nice and being kind.

Other Personal Favorites:

Assertiveness: an Intermediate Guide

I use this post for my own personal reference, that’s how helpful I think it is.

The People Who are No Longer Here

I almost feel like this post is a prose poem.

I Know It When I See It: YA Voice

This is a writing post that I’d been meaning to write for a long time.

How To Be Resilient

Resilience was one of my favorite topics of the year.

Let’s Kick Self Loathing Where It Hurts

I love the comment section of this post, in which I encouraged all of you to brag.

Happy New Year! I’m looking forward to another year of discussing interesting topics with you.

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New Year Wishes at the Close of 2012

December 27, 2012 by Amy Sundberg

While I don’t often make New Year resolutions (except when I do), I like to stop and take stock of my life at the end of the year and set some goals for the year to come. After all, it’s hard to live your life according to your priorities if you don’t know what your priorities are!

amy and nala christmas 2012

Writing:

In 2012, I had several more stories come out, and I qualified to become a full member of SFWA. I also sold my first (and second) science fiction stories. I spent the bulk of the year working on my YA novel The Academy of Forgetting.

My plan for 2013 is to query a large number of agents and complete another YA novel. I’d also like to participate in at least a couple weeks of Codex’s Weekend Warrior (writing flash fiction). And of course, I want to continue to increase my focus, improve my writing skills, and read a lot.

Health:

Well, given that I spent six months waiting for my foot to heal, this year was on the frustrating side. But I was able to stay focused on my writing through it all, which I am very pleased about. My tooth from the drama of 2011 rarely bothers me anymore. And since the fall I’ve definitely been in less overall pain than I have for the last few years.

My wish for 2013 is that I can continue this whole less pain trend. I’d like to begin gradually increasing my strength. What I wish for the most is that I can begin to reintroduce some activities that I love but haven’t been able to do the past few years. Like dancing! And hiking!

Travel:

I wanted to get out of the country in 2012, and that didn’t end up happening. I mean, I went to World Fantasy in Toronto, but given that I pretty much only saw the hotel, I don’t think that really counts. However, I fell in love with Seattle, got to see Chicago for the first time, and faced down a hurricane in New York, so the year wasn’t without its adventures. I attended seven writing events, including three I’d never done before, and had a truly fabulous time.

So my wish for 2013 will be the same as last year’s: that I leave the country. And actually SEE and EXPERIENCE stuff while abroad. I’m considering trying to travel somewhere in Europe pre-World Fantasy in Brighton, which seems the most likely way to make this happen this year. I’ve already mostly planned out which writing events I’ll be attending for the year, although a few remain up in the air.

Personal Growth:

Oh, 2012. I cannot sum it up in one paragraph. I learned a lot, I changed a lot, I made progress towards becoming the person I want to be. My understanding of myself and the world around me is clearer than it’s ever been.

My wish for 2013? To take a loooong vacation. Ha! But seriously, 2013 is going to be a year of external change, when I get to put my clearer understanding into practice. I anticipate a fair amount of trial and error, so that should be … exciting. I’ll build on what I’ve been working on for the past two years, continue to practice my own definition of assertiveness, and look to create good habits so I can conserve energy.

Have any goals for 2013 you’d like to share?

Posted in Life, Personal Development, Writing | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments »

My Christmas Friends

December 25, 2012 by Amy Sundberg

I’d like to introduce you all to my new friend Chewie.

Chewbacca helps in kitchen

Today he was helping me in the kitchen. After Thanksgiving’s success, I made more cranberry sauce…

Chewbacca and cinnamon rolls

And he ate several of my cinnamon rolls. Luckily the pumpkin pie is still safe in the oven, baking.

Meanwhile, Nala was her normal clever self and stole her stocking from where it hung above the fireplace.

IMG_0728

I was able to distract her with Chewie and get the stocking back. She’s finding his name misleading, because she thinks it means he’s another one of her chewtoys.

Nala meets Chewbacca

Chewie also makes strange Wookie noises that encourage Nala to bark. In a friendly way, of course.

We’re ready to celebrate Christmas. For all of you who are celebrating today, Merry Christmas! And for those of you who aren’t, I hope you’re having a fabulous day.

IMG_0721

The days are growing longer once more, and today is a time I’m reminded of the human spirit. Each of us has so much potential and so much to offer the world. Here’s to another year of living large!

Nala says Merry Christmas

I’ll see you on Thursday!

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment »

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