Elizabeth Bear recently wrote an essay in which she stated her intention to try not to self-denigrate herself out loud. You should go read it because it is thought-provoking and also because she references Sondheim in an awesome way, and who doesn’t love that?
That being said, it was a painful essay to read, at least for me. Yes, a great step would be for people to keep those tenacious feelings of self loathing to themselves so they don’t model them for others. Perhaps without the vocalization and implicit validation of those feelings, they will even lessen over time. But I can’t help but see the tragedy that those feelings of self-hatred and self belittlement are so prevalent in the first place.
In the comments section for the post, there is some mention of bragging, and how terrible it would be if one were to accidentally brag. (Okay, that’s not actually what is said, but that’s how it translated in my own head.) I mean, really, didn’t you know the world will END if you brag? Especially if you are a woman. Heaven forbid that you actually appreciate something awesome about yourself and want to share it with others. Heaven forbid that you give yourself a public pat on the back like I did last week. (And yes, I felt fairly uncomfortable about doing that, which was a signal to myself that it was important to do.) Humility is a great trait to embrace, but according to a recent Psychology Today blog post, “humble people are not self-deprecating but rather accurate in how they regard and present themselves.” And that is a big difference indeed.
I see this kind of unproductive behavior all the time. I talked to a friend this weekend who knows she is under charging for her valuable services. This is not the first friend I’ve talked to with this problem. I’ve talked to award-winning writers who are convinced they suck. On Twitter, a friend was talking about her husband, and how he gets a fabulous performance review every time at work, and then within a week or so he’s already back to worrying about how he’s doing. So many of us have so much trouble embracing our strengths and talents and believing in ourselves.
I recently read some blogging advice that said that in every post, you should be revealing all of your own weaknesses and mess-ups and personal disasters because that is what people like to read. And it’s true, there is a certain appealing rawness to that sort of writing, and certainly it’s not always the most helpful or communicative (or honest) to set oneself up as perfect. But aren’t success stories also instructive? Do I really have to focus only on the parts of me I don’t like in order to engage an audience? We as a culture seem to have this idea that we aren’t allowed to acknowledge our own awesomeness. Instead we wallow in insecurity and resentment, and at our low point, we try to tear other people down because we can’t raise ourselves up.
Photo by Kate McCarthy
Well, screw that! I love that Elizabeth Bear shows how this kind of behavior doesn’t just hurt ourselves, it hurts the people for whom we are role models–it is particularly brilliant because it tricks people into healthier behavior by playing on their concern for others. But can we take it a step further? Let’s have this concern for ourselves. Let’s acknowledge when we do something well, or when we come through in a difficult situation, or when we face our fears and do important work anyway. Let’s acknowledge that we are allowed to have something to say, that we are allowed to have opinions, that we are allowed to value our own expertise. Let’s acknowledge that we are worth it.
And let’s all take a moment to brag and celebrate our own awesomeness. (Oh, the horror!) Leave me a comment and tell me something amazing about you. It can be something small, like the way you rocked your To-Do list yesterday, or it can be something large, like how you raised millions of dollars for charity. Tell me how great you look in that outfit, or how many books you read last year, or the amazing high score you got on your GRE/SAT/whatever test you want. Tell me about the awards you’ve been nominated for (or won!), or the way you totally helped someone out, or how you met one of your goals. The sky is the limit, and the only rule is, you have to brag. About yourself.
I’ll start us off. I sold six stories in my first year of selling anything at all. I am super smart. I have a great smile. I spend most of my time doing things that I love and/or really care about. I read thirty books in the past three months. I am a passionate and dedicated blogger. I am an intellectual bad ass.
Yeesh, that was uncomfortable. And now it’s your turn. Guilt-free bragging! Who’s with me?
I can’t wait to read about how amazing you all are.
The Practical Free Spirit 
Oh I love, love, love this post, Amy! Very positive! And you should be proud of all those things you listed and more 🙂
I’m going to brag about – running two miles yesterday with an icky cold, starting a discussion at a panel at FOGCon, and continuing to write and plot despite the fact that I haven’t yet sold much, because I have faith that some day, I will.
Yes! Those are all awesome things, requiring much bravery and determination. You rock! 🙂
I was nodding my head the entire time I was reading this. I used to be one to use self-deprecating humor all the time. Then I realized that nobody wants to be around somebody that knocks on themselves all the time. It is awkward for the person who has to hear it, almost forcing them to say something positive about the person who is being self-deprecating. Also, if one says something bad about themselves, that thought is put out there and maybe gets believed a bit subconsciously, no matter how untrue it is.
So anyway, I agreed with this entire post then read your challenge to say something positive about myself and my first thought was to write something self-deprecating! Old habits die hard:
So, here is something positive about me. I’m good at making people laugh.I’ve also had several chapters published in my local newspaper’s writing contest/collaborative story projects.
Paul
Re: old habits, do they ever die hard! But I wholeheartedly believe awareness is the first step to making a real change. 🙂
Great post Amy! You are amazing with your positive spirit and awesome accomplishments.
But enough about you… 😛
I’ve sold 5 stories since I decided to get serious about this writing thing (some of which have gotten some glowing reviews & mentions), kick butt at a day job that’s one of the world’s best places to work, I have a great sense of humor and love to make my friends laugh, and I actually played the Narrator/Mysterious Man in a production of the aforementioned Sondheim show. (One of the first non-broadway performances of that musical.) 🙂 I’m very proud of all of those things.
Thanks Amy!
Oh, I would love to perform in Into the Woods. That is extra especially exciting for this Sondheim geek. 🙂
apparently i make people happy! who knew!? 🙂
I suspected as much. 🙂
aaww :blush: 🙂
I embarrassed myself by saying “I’m awesome” on Facebook the other day, almost deleted it, but decided to leave it 🙂
I cast & paint plaster skulls. It started out as a hobby, but now I am selling them on Etsy. I haven’t sold a one yet, but I keep painting them because hey are fantastic and make me smile a lot. I can’t help but believe they could make someone else smile too.
I have raised an amazing daughter and helped some in raising an amazing step-son. They make me very, very proud.
Also, I have awesome hair.
You forgot to add a link to your awesome Etsy skulls! 🙂
Ha! I suppose I did. 🙂
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ofemptymen
favorited. hey you!! 😛
I’m glad you decided to leave your status on Facebook! You are being a positive role model to having good self esteem. Go you!
I talk about how great I am all the time – with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek. Hopefully people can tell that I’m doing that. 🙂
Let’s see. I occasionally ride my bike 22 miles to work. I taught Aikido for a couple of years to people at my job. I’m a dedicated DIY’er, and I’m good at it – landscaping, construction, tile, flooring, you name it. I’ve been known to write pretty decent stories now and again.
I’m a pretty affable person – I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t like me. I like pretty much everyone, too.
I have no hair, but if I had some it would be awesome.
I could tell just by looking at you that your hair would obviously be most incredible. Or maybe that was just the hat…? 🙂
I’m extremely well educated and deep thinking. I can write a fine bit of rhetoric and a vivid bit of description. I can be very focused, so much so that if I care about learning to do something I can become skilled at it faster than anyone else I’ve ever met. I am surprisingly resilient long-term, having survived a number of difficult situations I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My tastes are varied, and I’m good at looking at the forest from the trees. I am as close to a Rennaissance Man as this present overspecialized world allows, and I spend most of my time doing things I want to do. I’ve been told that I’m quite patient with others. To top it all off, I’ve managed to get a couple short stories published in the last couple years.
This is an interesting exercise. A good number of the things that I’ve mentioned I would not on my own see from a purely positive direction. ‘Yes, this is a good thing,’ I’d think, ‘but it also comes with this other thing,’ a thing which is a challenge I face. I suspect we often don’t look towards our successes or our positive traits because we’re busy facing the challenges that come along with them, and then we maybe start to forget that those positives exist. Regardless, good exercise.
I think sometimes it can be easy to overlook the positive. I mean, just look at the way memory functions. It is designed to help us remember negative things in a stronger way than the positive ones. Crazy stuff.
Pshaw! Oh, come on! This is me we’re talking about! That’s all I need to say!
***
😀
That said, I am a PhD in charge of managing a staff of 35 and 360 students. My reputation at my job is that I can solve any problem judiciously. Heck, I got a call from a potential student in Sudan, and he told me that my reputation among his Sudanese friends was that I was a wise, good person.
I believe that you are not whom others define you to be, but what others think of you tells you a lot about your actions.
***
I am a beautiful woman, even at this weight. My looks are striking. I am part of one of the greatest romances of the 21st century, for which I consider myself lucky.
I am entertaining, sharp-witted, and down right funny. I am one of the most loyal friends you’ll ever meet. And I’m not half bad at writing either.
And, most importantly, I realize that all of these things, whether I worked for them or not, are gifts. Thank goodness, that gives me the humility to feel gratitude for all these things, rather than conceit.
Cath
“And, most importantly, I realize that all of these things, whether I worked for them or not, are gifts. Thank goodness, that gives me the humility to feel gratitude for all these things, rather than conceit.” I love this SO much. Yes. Being humble is one of those gifts. One can be humble and still appreciate oneself.
When I was in high school, one of my teachers took me aside and told me that I needed to brace myself, that while I was the smartest person I’d ever met, I was going to meet people in college that would turn my head around, sixteen-year-old physics majors and so on.
And behold! When I went through my abortive year at UC Santa Cruz, there was a sixteen-year-old physics major in my social circle. “What’s his problem? What did I do to piss him off?” I asked. “He likes you fine,” I was told. “He just finds you intellectually intimidating, and he’s not used to it.”
When I got off at the MacArthur BART station, I had my clothes and linens in a duffelbag, weighed fifty or sixty pounds. I carried it slung over my shoulder, the straps centered, so it was balanced neatly and would pivot if needs must.
When I went to ask directions at the information kiosk, there was a guy chatting up the woman in uniform. He was six feet, a little more, with the kind of build that says either good genes or steroids. He was black, with a short, wild beard and unkempt hair. When I stepped up, he stepped back, glared at me, and went into a convincing boxer’s stance.
I shifted my dufflebag. If he came for me, I’d hand it to him and this really isn’t the venue for my plans following the handoff, but rest assured, it would have been police and emergency rooms for everyone after that.
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman behind the lexan window. “How do I get to Telegraph?”
The guy kept bobbing and weaving, moving his fists, glaring at me. I smiled and kept an eye on him.
“You just go up that way until you get to the main intersection,” the woman said. “You can’t miss it.”
“Thank you very much,” I said, nodded to the man, and turned away.
As I walked off, the man cracked up. “He’s bad,” I heard him say. And there were italics on the bad. He was right: among the cast of thousands, there’s a Hell’s Angel, a Marine in uniform, and a gang of junkies armed with sticks and chains that will back him up on that.
“So where did you study astrophysics?” the telescope operator asked me.
“You’re the only one in the class worth listening to,” the art historian said. “Where did you get your degree?”
“You should have been in the print room,” my digital drawing teacher said. “Sean’s prints were just rolling out, one after another, and it was like the room was electric!”
What do the BBC, the Warner Bros. website, Tor.com, the University of Bristol DinoBase, Scientific American’s Symbiartic website, Lip Service West, and the underground press have in common? Me. I even get press from time to time. Like it or not, successful or not, I’ve demonstrated myself to be a talent of a particular class, and you had better believe I am upwardly mobile.
I am a MENSA genius, and a Hollywood genius, and I got my eye on something better than either of those.
I’ve been in a stable relationship for more than twenty-four years and things are better between us now than they ever have been, and still getting better.
Six-three and two hundred pounds, brilliant, kind, gentle, deranged, controlled, erudite, and a dangerous man of honor, I am exactly the kind of person I love to read about in sleazy pulp fiction. Or to put it another way.
When I passed that kid on the sidewalk, he yelled to his mother, “Did you see that man? I want to go with that man! He’s got a jungle hat!”
That’s the kind of man I am. You ought to go with me. I’ve got a jungle hat.
You do realize this could be a full post on your blog, don’t you? But then, I assume that was the point, you amazing writer, you. 🙂
You realize you just asked me to brag about myself. Better get some snacks. This could take a while… 😉
But, if I’m going to be quite serious, I did this:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005FSOP2G
And it’s a damn fine book.
Just came back with my popcorn. Wait, what? You’re not still typing? 😉
Ooh, pretty novel cover.
I had no idea posting the link would also post the cover. Neat feature!
Thanks, Miss Amy, for both the topic and the back pat. I think you’re pretty spiffy yourself. 🙂
This really is a strangely uncomfortable topic. And I wonder how much of the fear is, if you say “I’m awesome!” in public, that someone will point back and say, “No, you’re not. Sit down.” As I sat at my keyboard, trying to compose a list of things to brag about, I found myself trying to come up with things that were empirically measurable and difficult for people to dispute. But that’s kind of defeating the point of the exercise, isn’t it?
So…here goes.
I am smart. I have always been quick to pick up those things I wished to learn. I am a talented musician and a talented writer, and I have worked hard at both those things to convert talent into real skill.
I have worked hard over the years to become the sort of person who can chat with strangers. I have learned to speak up and speak out. I can look confident, even when I don’t feel it, and I do not back down just because someone disagrees with me.
I have a husband who loves me, a family who welcomes me, and a circle of friends that is always expanding. I have led a fortunate life that has put me in a position to do the things I love most with the people I most want to be with.
Yay me!
It is really uncomfortable, and I felt the same thing, that I had to be ready to prove what I was saying was actually true. How bizarre is that?
By golly, I did indeed rock my to-do list yesterday. I rocked it so hard I astonished even myself. My to-do list was even more astonished to be rocked so hard. It never saw me coming. Now it’s duly slaughtered, drawn and quartered, slashed with red ink through all the things I accomplished.
Now I’m going to take this in the opposite direction for a moment: I get discouraged too easily. BUT. I climb back on my feet and keep working, and working HARD, to triumph over the things that defeat me initially.There’s a little adamantium in me, hidden deep inside.
That hidden adamantium is a huge strength!
Thanks, Amy. Another great topic. I am right there with strugglingwriter in terms of the self-deprecation, and the unintentional souring effect this has when we are trying to show humility. I am still a bit uncomfortable about bragging, and so have developed an oblique way of complimenting myself by talking about how lucky I was to have been able to spend time learning from so-and-so, or for having been in such a great program. I think there is something good about this indirect method, but I also recognize that embracing excellence is important. For example, in the past, I have had clients come to me for my expertise, and I have been overly self-deprecating. I have noticed that the client seems to lose a bit of confidence in me, almost retreating a bit. And, it was also pointed out to me that this is, in a way, an insult to the client. They have made a judgement, and I have essentially told them that they are wrong.
So, here goes (with difficulty):
I am good at problem solving, public speaking, teaching, defusing tense situations, and have published journal articles and text book chapters. I am also a much better Renaissance man than Richard Baldwin (LOL… I’m supposed to brag, right?) My eyes and my arms get complimented (which usually embarrasses me). I do not, unfortunately, have a jungle hat like drherpetophilius.
Oh, I agree that the indirect method can be good sometimes. Bragging isn’t always appropriate, I’m very well aware of how obnoxious it can be if done too much or in the wrong circumstance.
Very good point about putting off the clients. It’s the same thing with how much you charge, I found. People hardly ever complained when I raised my rates; in fact, my clients seemed to take me more seriously, and I filled up my roster even faster than before! Psychology is sometimes very strange indeed.
You may be a better Renaissance man than I, sir, but my spelling of the term in my post was far more creative (yeah, that’s how I’ll spin it, not misspelled but creative . . .).
Amy Sundberg, you ROCK!
And so do I, because I am confident, competent, intelligent, and sexy. I just shut down my businesses and moved back to Hawaii because it is where I’m happiest, and I love myself enough to go where I want to be and make things happen so I can stay. I’m also uber-resourceful and friendly. Mahalo very much!
I can’t wait to hear about your new life in Hawaii! I am so excited for you and proud of you for following your passions. Also, you are possibly the friendliest person I’ve ever met. 🙂
I’m so proud of all of us! I think we’re ALL bad ass.
tons of awesome on this page! 🙂
Hello Amy!
I loved your post! It’s great to be aware of how we talk about ourselves. I am determined start saying positive things about myself when I converse and continue to refrain from badmouthing others.
I recently stumbled upon your blog online so you may not know me but here is a little about myself:
I like to inspire others and have done a lot of that by traveling around the world alone. I’m bilingual and very open-minded.
I am independent and enjoy my own company 🙂
I have nice freckles and a cool style.
I’m introspective and very creative. I believe in self-actualization and helping others reach their potentials, all while sharing ideas and connecting with others on a deeper level.
I am a thinker and work hard at putting my ideas into action.
Cheers and thank you!
Ooh, another traveler? How exciting! Also, sounds like we believe in a lot of similar things. 🙂
Re: badmouthing others, at some point I want to write a post just about gossip. Will be tricky but so very interesting.
Aww, I’m totally late to this, and it’s such a great conversation! You always start such interesting discussions.
My parents were elitists of an odd sort. In fact, I was actively encouraged to brag. But I quickly found that it made me no friends, and that a lot of things I thought were cool and special about me weren’t unique at all. I retreated into shyness and modesty because I didn’t know how to find a middle ground, or how to not alienate people when I bragged. I still don’t.
It’s hard to tell people how you’ve succeeded. There’s always someone who’s going to be jealous, and I have done a lot more “big ticket items” than many people, especially women (who aren’t encouraged to be ambitious), that I feel kind of guilty. I hate having going to a moms group and having to explain that I’m getting a PhD in CS, because I feel like everyone there thinks I’m judging them, and I’m not. But I HAVE done a lot that I’m proud of, so whew. Bragging time.
I have put myself through undergrad without ever taking a student loan or having family help, usually while working 1-2 jobs. I have gotten a BS, an MS, and am working on a PhD in a male dominated field in the face of some pretty gnarly sexism. Oh, and while having
a baby. I passed my quals and dissertation proposal less than a year after having a baby, with only half-time child care, and a husband working start up hours. I’ve gone from being a squeaky mouse to being a really compelling public speaker. I have companies throwing money at my research left and right after I give a talk. I’m good at math. I have a crazy high IQ, in the 160s. I’m good at languages. I’m a freaking amazing cook, and have a recipe in a cookbook and the LA Times. And I’m at least reasonably pretty.
(OK, that was really hard. I have a matching set of caveats, complaints, weaknesses, etc, that was running in my head the whole time. But it was therapeutic, too.)
I feel like guilt is this toxic by-product of our culture. When you think about it, it’s absurd to feel guilty for one’s awesome accomplishments, and yet…I know exactly what you mean.
Personally if I were in your mom’s group, I’d be thinking, “Go, Aleatha!” while secretly being glad I didn’t have to be dealing with an infant and grad school at the same time…. What you are doing is amazing, and hopefully there are some enlightened moms in that group who realize that just because you’re doing one thing doesn’t mean you think less of them for doing a different thing.
I can personally attest to your skills in cooking and recipe-making. The Afghan dish with squash that was on your blog in February is now one of our favorite dinners…we’ve already had it several times, and it never fails to please. 🙂
I agree. There’s a lot of ways to live your life, and everyone has to make their own tradeoffs. I envy women who get to spend their days with their children, never missing a beat… My daughter took her first free-standing step at day care, and I wasn’t there for it. I try to make sure we get lots of quality time together, and I hope that she will learn from me that you don’t have to choose between being a good mom and still have a career, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad about the things I miss. For me, having a PhD is (just barely) worth missing my daughter’s first step. I will be there to applaud her second one. But I can easily see how it wouldn’t be for someone else, especially if they don’t love their career.
I’m glad you like the Kadu! I love that one. It’s so healthy and tasty and easy.
Aleatha, I have tremendous respect for anyone who can accomplish what you have. To do this while having a baby is outstanding. (Being a mom is worth bragging about in its own right).
I know what you mean by feeling judged when you’re just talking about what you’re doing. Getting a PhD is just your life right now, but people look at you like you’re throwing it in their face. But, the fact that they feel inferior is, obviously, not your problem. I was once talking about how I had felt like I had always been climbing: there was always a next step for me. And I insulted a friend when I said that, for me, not finishing high school just didn’t even occur to me. I was going to college, and then I was going to go to veterinary school, and then an internship… My friend felt that I was being cocky in talking about high school that way. Maybe I was, but high school graduation didn’t feel like a big landmark to me.
I feel there’s such a balancing act in the act of bragging. There’s sort of a time and a place for it. And there’s so much in the delivery as well. Braggarts come across as insecure, using the self-inflation to make themselves feel better. But staking a claim, somehow, in a self-confident manner shows strength. I am jealous of those who navigate this high wire gracefully, like Amy Sundberg, our gracious hostess in this stimulating discussion.
I know what you mean about there always being another step to climb. I am one of those people who won’t be happy until they find out what their limits are. And I haven’t found them yet, so I am certainly going to keep going! The milestones along the way are…just progress markers. They’re there to be sure I’m going forward, and not in circles. I know not everyone thinks that way. They get to a milestone, and go “whew, I’m done, that box is checked off, I can go on with my life.” I suspect that they’re probably happier on average than I am (I am kind of a stress monkey, especially when I’m facing deadlines), but I think they probably have more “what if” regrets.
The milestone treadmill is only dangerous if we get stuck in the “after I (insert milestone here) I’ll be able to (various ways to say “live life”) trap. For a long time, I think I felt like my life wouldn’t really start until all the ‘afters’ had passed. And then one day I realized that I’ll never run out of goals (which, I agree, is a good thing), and that life is happening now. I think I’m better now at balancing the doing with just being.
This blog post has been nagging at me since I first read it, Amy. I have such a difficult time telling others what I’m good at, or what I’ve accomplished. You’ve really challenged me here. I know a couple of people who are so beyond OBNOXIOUS in their self-praise and narcissism that I’ve all but discontinued associating with them. When I find myself wanting to tell people about something I’ve done or sharing something I’m good at, I always get an image of these people in my mind. I don’t want to be unbecoming. I want to be gracious. The things is, though, I’m doing things and not telling anyone about them and am completely invisible as a result. And invisible sucks.
Here is the truth about me: I’m good at just about everything I try. Graphics. Writing. Painting. Sculpting. Welding. Pottery. Music. Designing. Coding. Gardening. Helping people. Listening. Learning. Sharing. Encouraging. Teaching.
My husband calls me The Queen of All Media.
I like being good at so many things. I like the things I create. So why is it so difficult to share them with the world?
Invisible does suck. And people want to hear about the awesome things you are doing! It is interesting and inspiring, among other fabulous adjectives.
For example, someone might have started a company called Quirky Girl Media, and I might have missed the news, and then been belatedly very excited! 😉
Seriously, though, we’ve all run into those very self-focused people. But the fact that you’re aware of them and worried about being like them probably means you’ll monitor yourself and not go too far.
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