For awhile I thought the Jellyfisher was mainly a fictional creature. Perhaps I could live in this state of blissful denial through the combination of having many male friends (for whatever reason, the Jellyfisher tends to lean female, at least in the media), making the effort to be tactful as much as possible, and blaming myself over others in a pinch. However, I’ve recently had the interesting though dubious distinction of being able to watch one of these bloodthirsty creatures in the wild so I can vouch for their existence.
As far as I can tell, Jellyfishers live to make us feel badly about ourselves. No matter how solid we think our armor is, Jellyfishers will, with consummate skill, locate the few little chinks and stick their stingers right in there. Sometimes they’ll even discover (or create?) a chink we never knew we had. They dress up their phrases with such judgmental gems as “well, if you’re comfortable with that” and “oh, isn’t it nice that you finally [have a boyfriend/sold a story/got a raise/pretty much anything else you can think of]”, with occasional snide remarks about how your clothes/hair/belongings aren’t very nice or you’re obviously an unkind/immodest/unintelligent bitch (except said in a very subtle way or as if joking, sometimes so skillfully that other people involved in the conversation won’t even notice).
No, I am not using this essay as a mere excuse to show you pretty photos of jellyfish. Really…
1. Identify these people as quickly as possible; this way you deprive them of the element of surprise and limit their potential ammunition. When we feel badly after interacting with a particular person on a regular basis, this may be a sign that we are dealing with a closet Jellyfisher.
2. Ignore the stinging comments. Refuse to rise to the bait and become defensive. Instead, smile and make a dismissive comment, or simply change the subject. Then think or talk it through later to avoid internalizing the negative messages this person is giving you about yourself.
3. Avoid this person when possible. Obviously there’s only so much we can do to avoid some people who play a role in our daily lives, but we certainly don’t need to seek them out.
4. Stand up for yourself. Ferrett is trying to teach me that it is not necessary to be polite to people who are behaving rudely. I’m still thinking about that, but even if you’re like me and being rude feels like drowning kittens, it is still possible to stand up for yourself while being polite and firm (often with a dose of deadpan humor). Examples: Jellyfisher: “Well, as long as you’re comfortable with that.” Me: “Why, yes, I am comfortable with that. Thank you for being so supportive.” Jellyfisher: “Do you really think that red is your color?” Me: “Why, yes, I do. I simply adore red. I’m glad you agree.” Jellyfisher: “You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you?” Me: “Why, yes, I actually do have a high IQ. Thanks for noticing.”
Of course, with a close enough friend, bluntness may be called for if you have any interest in saving the friendship from dramatic implosion and/or causing you prolonged misery.
What do you think? How do you deal with the Jellyfishers in your life?
The Practical Free Spirit 
I moved to a different state…. my ‘pond’ was rife with Jellyfishers (including one awful and fierce male jellyfisher), and now in my new home, I carefully evaluate people before allowing them beyond the realm of acquaintance. I’ve found that if I have no vested interest in someone, their words (or actions) don’t have nearly as much sting as they could.
I think that’s true. A new environment can be a great way to start over fresh and carefully avoid negative influences.
I’ve been involved w/ a Jellyfisher from Day One: my mother. Still in therapy working on it, but have improved greatly over the past few years. It’s the worst when you’re a child and you can’t help but believe the most important person in your life is right about you, so you buy it all.
(Mind you, I’m not whining that my mother is responsible for my problems—that was a long time ago, I’m a big boy, and it’s up to me now.)
Jeff P.
Ouch, Jeff. Having a family Jellyfisher is particularly challenging. Good for you for tackling it. I agree that children are even more vulnerable, particularly from criticism from a family member or other influential adult.
i don’t hang out with people like that, and when i realize that someone is a negative influence, i have no qualms about cutting off all further interaction.
maybe not the best approach, but i suppose that i am also fortunate to not really have any close friends that have wandered into that territory. i think if a close friend started jellyfishing, i’d try and think about where that was coming from… are they going through a difficult time? is there some reason that they feel the need for that behavior? if not, maybe call them on it and let them know it’s not cool.
I think it’s great to be selective with your friends. And certainly if a friend who has always been perfectly nice suddenly started behaving strangely, I’d try to find out what was up before doing anything super drastic.
Unfortunately, sometimes it can be hard on a practical level to cut off all interaction with a Jellyfisher. For example, what if it’s a co-worker? Or a member of some group/community that you otherwise really enjoy? That’s when things get particularly tricky.
The geometric shape avatars–the ones standing in for people’s photos in the comments on your blog–now look to me like jellyfish as seen from the top view. Neat.
You are totally right. I’m going to be thinking of that whenever I see them now. 🙂
About all I can think of to say is “Golly.”
Hug for the owie?
Oz
Oh, I’m okay. But yeah, it still surprises me how some people feel the need to attack others…even people they barely know. Although given what we see all the time on the internet, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.
Like Jeff P., the jellyfisher in my life is my mother. I cut off all but the most minimal contact with her for years, but that really isn’t a solution, since I am close to many members of my family. I have come to realize that she doesn’t really mean the mean things she says, she just isn’t aware of how she comes off. And I also believe there is a deep well of hurt inside her and these comments are her way of self-protecting, as well as passive-aggressive attempts to control me. None of it works on me anymore. I just let the comments go by. Then I call my sister and say, “You won’t believe what mom just said to me today . . .”
It sounds like you’ve really tapped into your compassion–I really admire you for it.
[…] one or two) who can give you constructive criticism or even a real honest opinion (beware of the jellyfishers). My feelings are a product of some of the wondrous things that I’ve heard over the years, […]
Hi Amy! I “linked” (or whatever the aitch you call it) to this post (hope you don’t mind) as it was exactly what I was looking for! Hope you like it!