Dating as a feminist has been … eye-opening.
When I began dating, I didn’t really think about this being a sticking point. I didn’t see myself as being particularly noteworthy in my opinions about sexism. I was happy to pay for myself or be treated (as long as I could tell what was happening). I didn’t mind having doors held open for me (especially with a sprain, this is actually super helpful). I didn’t even mind having car doors opened for me, even if it does feel a little bit silly. After all, we all still know I am capable of opening the car door myself, right? Right?
But I was wrong. Dating as a feminist has been different. And I have stopped dating more than one person at least partially because of their beliefs, attitudes, and statements about gender.
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The first time I stopped dating someone because of this, I cried while delivering the news. I cried partly because I was having trouble believing it was actually happening, that this was a reason that had actually come up in my life. But I felt very strongly that it would be hypocritical of me to date this person, given my own feminist beliefs. I was also concerned it would affect my attitudes about my writing career, that I would internalize these sexists ideas I was hearing and they would make me less ambitious, less capable, and less confident.
I learned to never explicitly state that sexist attitudes were a reason for discontinuing dating. (Yeah, I had to learn this through experience. Oops. Trust me, this mistake wasn’t pretty.)
And I learned that a certain degree of sexism is a deal breaker for me.
Really, dealing with sexism is hard enough as it is. It is so easy to internalize all the messages we are receiving from media, from society, from our peers. And the little things do matter.
For example, I heard a sexist remark over the weekend, and I knew at the time it was sexist. And even still, I found myself revisiting it the next day and feeling anxiety as to how I personally fit into the scheme of the joke. At which point I had to remind myself it was sexist and that if anybody was thinking about me in that way, it was somebody about whose opinion I wouldn’t care anyway.
So much effort, because of one stupid off-hand “joke.” Meanwhile, none of the guys who heard this joke had to think about it the next day and talk themselves out of worrying that it applied to them. And this was actually a better outcome than it would have been if I hadn’t noticed and if I’d unconsciously incorporated it into my opinion of myself. This kind of cognitive load is largely invisible, but it can add up to become quite significant.
Now, imagine you’re dating someone who has a lot of unexamined sexist beliefs and who makes a lot of these kinds of jokes and generalizations and is unable to check routine mansplaining (I know a lot of you hate this word, but I don’t have another one that means what I want to say, so we’ll go with it for now). How much cognitive load would it take to avoid internalizing these self-limiting beliefs? And how many would slip through without notice?
Sometimes people laugh at my post about how I think shared interests don’t matter that much in dating. And it’s true I was supporting a rather extreme point of view. Of course it’s nice to share interests with your partner. Of course it’s nice to have fun stuff to do together.
But the longer I’ve been dating, the more convinced I’ve become about what matters more to me. Kindness, honest and clear communication, respect and compassion for each other as we are, not as we wish we were. And how can someone who sees me as a mystery or thinks women are “crazy” or doesn’t trust my basic competence truly respect me? How can they see who I am?
And why would I want to spend a lot of time with someone who listens to and shares ideas that tear me down, that make who I’m allowed to be smaller and more limited, and thinks they’re an amusing joke?
Once you discover respect for yourself, you begin to demand respect from the people around you. This is an important part of dating. And it is also part of what being a feminist means to me.
The Practical Free Spirit 
‘Demanding respect’ is the whole problem with this victimist attitude. Whatever happened to earning it?
I do think that in order to receive respect, it is important to give it. That being said, I also think it is a much more victimist attitude to be a doormat and let people walk all over you than it is to set healthy boundaries and be around people who treat you well.
Well, one of the fundamental issues in these sorts of things is when men don’t give women the respect that they’ve earned. (Or, for that matter, even the baseline levels of respect due to any human being.)
Being respectful to others and expecting to be respected should be a default until there are more data. If a person behaves disrespectfully they *lose* my respect; I don’t ask them to prove they deserve it in the first place. There are other levels of respect — professional, emotional, skill-based, etc. — that do need to be earned because I have no idea whether someone is good at a particular thing or not. But that does not change the fact that each person deserves to be treated with a base level of respect for them as a human being because that is a good, kind, and right thing to do.
Thanks for putting it so well. I am completely in agreement about the idea of a base level of respect. Actually, I agree with everything you said.
The sort of respect Amy is talking about here is deserved, not earned. To respect someone as a person, and respect their feelings? That isn’t something that should have to be earned– though it can be lost, if you don’t give respect back in return.
You can earn respect for your skill or competence in a given area– you can earn respect as a writer, or a dancer, or a hostage negotiator. But to be respected as a human being? That isn’t something that should have to be earned.
^this
>‘Demanding respect’ is the whole problem with this victimist attitude. Whatever happened to earning it?
^ This is a little bit mistaken. “Respect” means two different things here. It is certainly possible to earn respect for specific traits, like honor, expertise, kindness, etc. It is certainly mistaken to expect this kind of respect without earning it. There is a different kind of respect; the kind of baseline respect that everyone deserves. “Golden rule” respect; it means taking into account others’ opinions and desires in a Kantian agency-preserving kind of way. It’s basically the difference between applying the golden rule to someone and not considering them an entity to which to apply the golden rule. It is absolutely fair to demand this kind of respect.
I’m curious to know what the sexist remark may have been that was so “over-the-top.”
And the funny thing is that people make assumptions about each other all the time, be they sexist one’s, personality quirks, or personal beliefs. And everyone does it, like it or not, so it’s something that’s inescapable and unavoidable. In fact, you’re doing it right this very entry you just typed. I think demonizing other people’s opinions about anything and everything is really the wrong way to approach it.
But you did get one right thing though: kindness, honesty, and clear communication should be the foundation of any of type of long-term relationship. And respect and compassion should naturally come forward without much conscious effort, if the above three are actively practiced by individuals to start with.
I don’t know which remark you’re referring to. If it’s the joke from this weekend, I didn’t find it over-the-top. I thought it was quite commonplace. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t sexist.
I am very comfortable with the idea that we get to choose who we date, and we also get to choose the criteria by which we choose. I don’t think that’s demonization. One purpose of dating is to find out what is conducive to compatibility and well-being for you and what is not.
One of the first things I do when establishing a close relationship — whether dating or friendship — is ask their opinion on gun control, reproductive rights, and feminism generally. If we disagree on those, we certainly can’t date and the only one I’m willing to put in abeyance for close friends is gun control.
It is important to know your own values, to establish clear boundaries regarding those values, and to act on them.
Dumb sexist jokes (even just one) are a huge red flag. At a minimum, they indicate thoughtlessness; more likely they indicate unexamined sexism. Good job for trusting your instincts. There are millions of dateable folks out there who won’t do that. You have absolutely no obligation to dig beneath the sexism; you have no obligation to try to see the best in anyone, because this is YOUR LIFE. You don’t have to put up with ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable. (And if someone tries to tell you otherwise, that’s a red flag too.)
“And how can someone who sees me as a mystery or thinks women are “crazy” or doesn’t trust my basic competence truly respect me? How can they see who I am?
And why would I want to spend a lot of time with someone who listens to and shares ideas that tear me down, that make who I’m allowed to be smaller and more limited, and thinks they’re an amusing joke?”
This. Amen.
“Kindness, honest and clear communication, respect and compassion for each other as we are, not as we wish we were.” I couldn’t agree more, although I’d say “respect for communication” itself. I’ve been with partners that thought the need for communication was a weakness, an indicator of something being wrong. That is a deal breaker. I was in a relationship were we matched nearly 100% in interests – we listed interests and core beliefs on our second date! – but we did not ask each other about communication style, attitudes, experience. Tragic.
I feel a little bit uneasy when people throw the word “respect” around. Too often it is conflated with “agree with me” or “think like me”. For example, “if you truly respected me, you would have done X”. That’s a dangerous dangerous line of thinking. That’s why Amy’s comment “as we are, not as we wish we were” is critical. The respect comes into play when your partner takes the time to truly listen to you, and is willing to make an effort to learn how to meet your needs. But if a partner tries to shame you for being different, shame you into change – or into faux “respect”? Proceed quickly to the nearest exit sign!
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