My revisions weren’t going so well yesterday. To put it mildly. I took Nala on a walk, but that didn’t help. So then I started chatting with a friend:
Me: “My life is meaningless and full of pain. Being an artist sucks. I mean, it’s obviously better than anything else. But right now it sucks. Why can’t I just write a decent novel???????”
Him: “Ah yes. This is one of the best parts of the creative process: crippling self-doubt.”
At which point there may have been a few tears, but they were relieved tears because putting a name to an emotional experience and having somebody who understands is infinitely better than mucking around in the dark.
Crippling self-doubt has this insidious way of expanding. First, I doubted one issue in my book. Then I doubted the whole book and thought maybe I should throw it all out. Then I doubted my overall writing skills and my ability to ever write a novel. Then I spun around in the fail well for a while.
Then it spread further. Maybe I shouldn’t go to the UK and Iceland in the fall anymore! Because that was partly for research, and maybe I don’t actually need to research and therefore should go somewhere else. Like Bali! Or Italy! (The fact that this train of thought actually might have some validity, in that it’s true I don’t need to take the research trip, did not help.) Then my brain went absolutely haywire and I decided maybe I should go to Antarctica. Never mind that I almost certainly cannot afford to go to Antarctica right now.
Then it sent a few questing tendrils out to the rest of my life. Maybe things weren’t going as well as I thought in general.
This is the point where I put my foot down. I felt I’d been very generous with my crippling self-doubt. I’d allowed it some free rein and let it make me very unhappy for an hour or so. But enough was enough.
The most ridiculous thing was, I already had a plan. A good plan. I knew I would finish this revision, come hell or high water, and then I’d send off the book to some readers. It is perfectly obvious I’ve lost any shred of objectivity I might have ever had about the book, which means it’s a perfect time to seek an outside perspective.
Plus this is what I was planning to do anyway, and when faced with crippling self-doubt, I find the answer is usually to carry on with your plan. The plan you made when you weren’t reeling from a stressful emotional experience.
In the meantime, though, I also had to gently talk myself down from my unhappiness, by reviewing the following points:
- Finishing is the most important thing right now.
- Nothing had actually changed from the day before, when I had been working perfectly happily on my revisions.
- There will be another book after this one. And another book. And another book.
- Even if this book crashes and burns and is an utter disaster, that doesn’t mean all the books I ever write in my entire life will do the same.
- It doesn’t matter what other people think about my writing career.
- Yes, even that one thing that one person said that one time that made me question the fact that I’m writing at all and seemed to call my very self-worth into question. That one doesn’t matter in particular.
- Some writers write at least TEN books before they get one published, which means I still have several to go before I should start really freaking out.
- Meanwhile, I can eat some cheese.
- And work really hard on this book.
- And maybe try to decide where I actually want to travel this fall.
- And think about Disneyland.
- And snuggle the little dog.
- And remember my emotions do not necessarily reflect reality accurately.
- And regain my sense of humor.
- And feel grateful I have friends to whom I can send a melodramatic sentence like “My life is meaningless and full of pain,” which is very satisfying to do, and still have them be sympathetic and insightful.
And now the crippling self-doubt, while not eradicated, is at least behaving itself with a bit more decorum.
What do you do when you’re suffering through a bout of self-doubt?
One of the best cures for self-doubt: the little dog!
The Practical Free Spirit 
I lay on my back on the floor and talk to myself in the mirror when I am going through crippling self doubt. This seems to make the rest of my body more important than my head, which is doing all the criticism, and it makes me laugh and feel like a kid. Also, I whine to good friends as needed. 🙂
Talking to friends is always a good option – speaking of which, remember I’m 10 hours ahead of you so the middle of your night is my morning. Always available when no one else is 🙂
> This is the point where I put my foot down. I felt I’d been very generous with my crippling self-doubt. I’d allowed it some free rein and let it make me very unhappy for an hour or so. But enough was enough.
This is an extremely healthy reaction. No matter how well adjusted we are, we still let our minds run away with themselves from time to time. You just have to notice that it’s happening (which is ok! All this has happened before, and all of it will happen again), to let it go, and to bring your attention back to where you want it. There’s a meditation practice designed to exercise exactly this – to sit and try to focus on a trivial boring thing (usually your own breath), to notice that your mind has started to wander, and to peacefully bring it back to where you want it.
[…] I still feel uncomfortable sometimes (like talking about shame, for example). I still have attacks of writer angst. I still have emotions, I can still be disappointed, I still cry. I still sometimes dither, I still […]