Last year at this time, I was feeling uncomfortable about my age.
Am I 5 or 50? Hmm….
One reason I was feeling uncomfortable about my age was that I was dating someone who was some years younger than me. Six, to be precise. I had my moment of discomfort, and then I caught myself and said, “No, this is not going to be what I’m doing. I am fine with myself at exactly the age I am.”
But after this, he managed to bring up my age several more times in the short time we were dating. This sucked. I felt uncomfortable. And then I felt frustrated with myself about feeling uncomfortable about something over which I had precisely zero control. We can’t pick how old we are. We can’t pick when we were born.
My birthday is on Saturday, and this year I’m feeling fine with the age I’m turning. Occasionally I feel the ghost of this age discomfort. But if someone has a problem with my age, there is absolutely zero I can do about it. So I’ve mostly stopped caring.
No, this year I’ve been feeling uncomfortable about different things.
But what I’ve realized is that this discomfort doesn’t stem from where I thought it did. I’m okay with who I am. In fact, I’m happy about it. I’m okay with where I’ve come from. I’m okay with my emotions. I’m okay with me. All this discomfort is actually coming from one place. True to my empathetic, people pleaser roots, I am still worrying about what other people will think of me. I am still worrying about smoothing things over. I’m still worrying about keeping things from becoming awkward.
Just as I felt uncomfortable about my age even though I’m actually perfectly happy being the age I am, and always have been.
That’s it. That’s all it is.
Of course, now that I’ve recognized this, I have a choice. I can remain bogged down in the discomfort, and instead of accidentally giving “people” this power over me, I can continue to give it to them consciously. Or….
Instead I can say, “Actually, this is very silly.” This is where I come from. This is how I feel. This is what I want. This is what I’m doing. Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable about some of these things, and that is just another part of how I’m feeling.
I can remember that I don’t really care what people think of my past, or what I’m doing with my life, or how I feel. That what they think doesn’t change anything, doesn’t steal away any validity or value or inherent truth.
I can think about how vulnerability is not about the response I receive. It’s about accepting who I am and where I am, and about sharing these things when I choose. It’s about having a choice in the first place.
Well then.
Actually, this is very silly.
How’s that for a birthday epiphany?
The Practical Free Spirit 
Reblogged this on My Blog News.
Glad you shared this and put it out there, more people should reach this way of seeing it for their own good :)!
I have something to share, as a sort of life choice: when I was a teen and growing up, I had this moment when I felt like lost of my peers young or old had these very strong opinions on subjects which had never even entered my mind. So I started , first of all, wondering why I felt a bit out of touch with those subjects (even if it was a movie, trip idea etc.) and secondly, why I felt I could not take a side in the discussion and have an opinion.
So I decided that I would pay more attention, show more interest in what’s going on, and most importantly, give myself the time to form and be sure of my opinions. Because I had already seen how others simply parrot or take other people’s ideas without really being their own.
The non-problematic age opinion is one of the first simple ones I got to, exactly as you say it: we are who we are, we were born as we were born, grew as we grew. And the thing is , so are THEY. The opinions and judgement of people who are unable to see that about themselves are simply not worth taking into account. Which brings us to the peace. The peace of being ourselves, our age, young at heart forever or adult before your time. It is the beauty even of human nature and the interesting part of knowing more people is the richness it brings.
So yes, I’m happy at least one other person on this planet has reached this conclusion 🙂 I am happy for you Amy, and pre-Happy Birthday for this weekend, love having one more, enjoy all you’re lived and seen good or bad or ugly, it’s part of us and only builds upon our character and strength in time! have a fun party too , that’s also cool, as we grow old we can say we’ve got lots more parties up our belt haha!!
Age, or thoughts of it should never stop being what we want to be, or living as fully as we can. That being said I hope you have a great time on Saturday and get properly spoiled 🙂