It is at times like these that I wish I had a book or movie review blog, or a recipe blog (ha! good one, Amy), or maybe even a tech blog. Then I could write up a topical essay instead of writing about what I’m about to write about. I could satisfy my current introverted yearnings and hide behind the text instead of infusing myself throughout the text. But, into the fray I go!
I want to talk about negativity, and more specifically, about how easily it spreads. Sometimes it feels like we are being hit by a constant bombardment of negativity: complaints, mean comments, subtle put-downs, defensiveness, bare naked insecurity, and reams upon reams of advice (the dreaded “shoulds”). Between our in-person social interactions and the pervasiveness of the internet, it can be hard to escape. All of this negativity becomes like white noise, this constant presence that we sometimes don’t even notice.
One problem with this negativity, aside from the obvious, is how easily it can rub off on us. Negativity is contagious. So when I’m spending time reading updates from writers who are, in various ways, freaking out about their writing in public, I will eventually start freaking out about my own writing without necessarily even realizing why. When I’m reading all this writing advice that appears to lay down rules from Heaven, even if I keep a skeptical mind, I will eventually start second-guessing my own process. If I hear enough complaints about Google+ and why would any normal person choose to use it instead of Facebook (and it’s always instead of, I notice), then I begin to worry about the long-term viability of Google+, even though I’m enjoying it a lot right now.
I get the impression that some people are able to shield themselves from this effect without much thought, but for the rest of us, it takes more care. Sometimes I have to take internet breaks. Right now I severely limit the amount of writing advice I read, especially on blogs, because I find that the advice hurts as often as it helps. I also try to avoid other writers’ word count posts. I make a mental note of the people within my acquaintance who are likely to let loose with the verbal zingers. I try to distance myself (and don’t we all have experience with that, given the amount of bad news we’re exposed to from the media alone?)
It’s a tricky line to walk. On the one hand, everyone needs to complain sometimes. And I certainly want to be supportive to my friends and colleagues. But on the other hand, if my work and/or mood is being materially affected, then something has gone wrong. Perhaps this is a side effect of living in the Information Age, when we are blasted by stronger streams of sharing than was previously possible.
But I confess that when I’m deciding what to share, I try (and granted, sometimes fail) to take this into account. It’s not that we should shy away from discussing the difficult things. Indeed, when a real discussion is taking place, I often feel more connected and less negative. Tackling difficult topics can educate, instigate change, and bring people closer together. Plus I truly believe it is rewarding to pursue authenticity and honesty when possible. But I also think it’s important to ask ourselves how we are affecting others. And if we are sharing with a large stream of people (as we so often do with social media), I think some relevant questions to ask are these: how am I contributing to these people’s lives by what I’m about to say? Am I helping to lift people up or accidentally bringing them down? Am I blasting out a burst of negativity to no purpose? It’s not that we need to represent ourselves as living under a permanent rainbow. But neither do we want to end up sharing life under a perpetual rain cloud.
As you can tell, I’m still grappling with these questions. So tell me, what do you think? How do you protect yourself from other people’s negativity? How do you decide what to share? Where is the line between being honest and spreading negativity?
The Practical Free Spirit 
I see a really tremendous amount of this. I’m not really sure what one can do with it, apart from ignoring almost all of what people say; more and more, I feel like everyone has an opinion, and everyone wants to broadcast it, and (especially on the Internet) a surprisingly large fraction of people want to say something negative because it makes them cool to be “above” something else.
Nor is this limited to random sloping-browed troglodytes lurking in their basements; I’ve seen this happen even more in what’s nominally a very professional context than I have on the open internet, with people finding excuses — generally “constructive criticism” which quite palpably isn’t — to deride each other’s work, often as a way of scoring emotional points when they’re feeling insecure. It isn’t always malicious; sometimes people are doing this simply as a form of stress relief, bitching about something distant. And I can’t say that I’ve been innocent of this myself.
I’ve definitely noticed that, the higher your profile, the more of this you get. In a way this is a good thing; it’s better for people to bitch about something which is ultimately very successful and big and seemingly impersonal than, say, about a particular individual around them. Less chance of hurting someone. But sometimes those boundaries slip, especially when you know the people behind the successful thing.
My boss actually gave some good advice on this subject this morning: earlier, we were in a phase where we were receiving tremendous amounts of negative feedback, and we got good at ignoring it. Now we’re receiving lots of positive feedback, and we should ignore that, too. Trust your own instincts about what’s right and what’s wrong; everyone wants to have an opinion, but the set of people whose opinion actually matters is very small and tight and you know who they are in your heart.
Thanks for this. That’s great advice to trust my instincts instead of allowing my head to be turned by others.
And here I thought I’d have a Big McLargeHuge post about this, but Yonatan summed it up:
“Trust your own instincts about what’s right and what’s wrong; everyone wants to have an opinion, but the set of people whose opinion actually matters is very small and tight and you know who they are in your heart.”
And there you have it.
I learned my lesson about caring too much about others’ opinions. When you care what someone thinks of you, you’re granting them power over you. You have to be very selective, and I’ve found it helpful to have a few lists as to what aspects of your life certain individuals can or should influence.
For instance, my colleagues’ opinions of my writing is rather important (to varying degrees based on individual and circumstance), but their opinions about my personal life are irrelevant. Similarly, I trust the opinions of a few family members about my personal life, but I really don’t care what they think of my writing. (As half of them are Bible-thumping Baptists, and my writing is pulpy demons & angels in a historical/urban fantasy mashup.)
And then there’s knowing when to declare red alert and put the shields up. Even the best of friends can have the worst of days, and sometimes they may be subconsciously looking for a target to vent on.
Consider that if a friend came to you and said ‘Listen, I need to vent here about the hopelessness of ever getting published’ would you let all their negativity affect you? For myself, no, because they’re specifically venting. So, when someone comes along that seems to be dishing out vast amounts of negativity, I’ve found it pretty easy to raise the shields and let all their venting bounce off. And, if it comes out that they’re actually trying to hurt me, well the shields are already in place, and maybe I need to revise my lists.
It’s true–when a friend specifically says they need to vent, it rarely if ever bothers me. And when a friend complains to me in person, that usually doesn’t bother me that much either. Perhaps I need to work harder on getting shields for internet usage, as those little comments can sometimes slip by my radar. 🙂
Great article. I read it from beginning to end, no skimming. Your writing is very clear, so it was easy to do. 😀
I think I’m one of those people who easily blocks out the negativity of others at least online), and by the same token, I tend to keep my problems to myself, perhaps because I’m trying to be professional or because I’m a private person.
However, this post does remind me of how susceptible I can be to writing advice, especially when the advice is geared toward the writing process (something I have trouble with!). I too find myself second-guessing my own ways. I don’t like it. Nowadays, it’s important for us all to develop a stronger sense of which information to take in, and which to eschew, while still being open to letting an unexpected source wow us.
Anyway, keep on writing!
“Nowadays, it’s important for us all to develop a stronger sense of which information to take in, and which to eschew, while still being open to letting an unexpected source wow us.”
Yes! This is exactly it. I’m still working on this skill.
And thank you. 🙂
As someone who suffers from depression, it’s next to impossible for me to shut out the negativity of others. It sees my own and attaches to it without me ever knowing. This is the main reason I listen to pop music. Even when the subject of a song is serious, the music is light and catchy and sort of bubbles through me happily.
I have another friend who watches My Little Pony cartoons to help counter negativity. It’s so great how creatively people cope with this problem! 🙂
I’m quite happy 90% of the time. As far as I know, we shouldn’t ignore our feelings of negativity. The more we do, the more we’ll cover it up, the harder it’s going to bite us in our behinds later on.
That doesn’t mean we should be negative all the time. However, if we get scared to do things just because we’re afraid of them, it’ll haunt us with “what if” questions.
Finding an alone time to meditate does help lessen the negativity. Also, avoiding toxic environment is another.
If we haven’t examined something quite thoroughly, we shouldn’t ignore it. There is a grain of truth in what everyone is saying.
Oh, I don’t think we should ignore our own negativity either. I do think that sometimes broadcasting out to the entire world via social networks is not always wise.
And I think I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t actually think there is always a grain of truth in what everyone is saying. Often, maybe, but not always. That doesn’t mean I think we have free license not to try to understand where people are coming from or to lack compassion in our dealings, but there are times when negativity is just not helpful for me. But I’m sure not everyone feels this way!
I wonder how much of this negativity is due to generational/social change? As in, young people these days seem to mostly want to be cool, smart people. And the easiest way to appear smart and with it is to find a flaw in something. Being the naive, enthusiastic person is a harder image to risk.
Perhaps the generational definition of “cool” has shifted to encompass more negativity? Hmm. Perhaps.
That being said, I think there is a space between being very negative and being naive…