Lately I’ve been feeling like a bad feminist.
It kicked up a gear last month when my feminist book club read Feminism is for Everyone, by bell hooks. I learned a lot from the book, but the entire time I was reading it, I was thinking, “Wow, I feel like I’m really falling short, and I don’t even really understand how.” It talked about raising consciousness, and I’m pretty sure my consciousness is completely NOT raised. Whatever that means.
This month we’re reading Bad Feminist, by Roxane Gay, which is making for a nice change of pace. Roxane Gay is smart and insightful and funny, and she also seems like she isn’t perfect, which is reassuring since I am also far from perfect.
For example, I have this fascination with eye makeup. It all started when my friend was visiting this coast from Boston, and the friends he was staying with invited me to stay for dinner. It was a lovely evening of good food and even better company, but I kept being distracted by the woman’s eyelashes. She had AMAZING eyelashes. And I was sitting there at the table, wondering if she glued on fake eyelashes every morning or if she was able to work these wonders with mascara, and if so, why had I never been able to work similar wonders with mascara?
Thus began my fascination. It started with mascara experimentation, but after some months I branched out to an interest in eyeliner and different colors of eye shadow. And a few weeks ago I took a field trip to Sephora and obtained this fat eyeliner pencil that is a modern wonder of cosmetics.
Flawed Feminist
And every time I play with eye makeup, I know I’m probably being a bad feminist. I’m propagating a certain ideal of feminine beauty, and I guess as a feminist I’m supposed to deliberately subvert that ideal, and I don’t. I get almost as annoyed when people imply I shouldn’t wear makeup as I do when people imply I must wear makeup. I want to look the way I want to look, and I want to wear what I want to wear, and I don’t want to care about the messages I’m sending or the subconscious misogynistic ideas I’ve no doubt internalized over the years. And so I wear makeup when I feel like wearing makeup.
Also, when I’m on a date with a guy, I allow him to pay. I’m pretty sure a good feminist would not do this. My rule is never assume, but accept graciously. I cannot pretend that this is motivated by anything but self-interest. I don’t want to get into an argument about who’s paying for dinner (conflict adverse, me?), and also, it’s really nice when someone buys you dinner. The allure of free food and being fed, which to all rights should have died down after college, remains strong. The allure of being treated remains strong. It’s also super unfair, and I know this, and yet. I accept graciously.
Even my language is suspect, and for a writer, this is inexcusable. I like to say and write “you guys.” I like to say, “Man.” I know a good feminist would never say or write these things. And I do try to avoid this gendered language sometimes, especially in tweets. But there aren’t any good alternatives! I’ve tried “you all,” but I’m not from Texas and I’ll never be from Texas. “You people” is horrible. “Friends” sometimes works, but not always. And the best substitutes for “Man” are all profanity. So I have to choose between saying “Man” and swearing a lot.
I imagine if I had my consciousness raised, I wouldn’t do any of these things. I’d effortlessly never say “you guys” and I wouldn’t wear any makeup EVER EVER and I’d insist on going Dutch every single time. So where does this leave me?
I guess it leaves me far from perfect. But that doesn’t mean feminism isn’t important to me. That doesn’t mean being a feminist isn’t part of my identity. I think what it really means is that I’m human and flawed and complicated, and aren’t we all?
You guys, I’m a bad feminist. But even so, I’d rather be a bad feminist grappling with these issues than not be a feminist at all.
The Practical Free Spirit 
I have worked hard to change my language as a person of authority in the classroom, wanting to create a welcoming environment for all. Some solutions I’ve come up with for you guys: y’all, folks, your group, this group. For “Man” as an expression of startlement/critique, the best solutions I can come up with are whoa and wow. And yes, some of them feel false and awkward, but that diminishes with repeated use. (I think it also helps that I’ve spent enough time around horse people and lived in Virginia so it kinda feels like I can use “y’all” genuinely.
I also have the same reaction regarding makeup. My solution is the same as yours: I wear it when I want for myself and no one else. Feminism needs to support all types of people, not just the counter-revolutionaries. I agree, though, that it is difficult when taking an action feels like it’s supporting a destructive stereotype or problematic social ideal.
I’ve been a feminist ever since I could understand what it meant. My mother raised me and my siblings to value the importance of women’s rights. The thing about my mother is that she was a stay at home mom. She loves dresses, makeup, jewelry, and everything girly. My younger sister, on the other hand, is into boxing, wears boy clothing, and almost never wears makeup.
Liking girly things and following traditional gender roles doesn’t make you a bad feminist. What would make you a bad feminist would be if you did those things for the wrong reasons (i.e. because you felt pressured by society/men). So long as the choices you make are for yourself, there’s no harm it. I think you’re doing just fine.
I agree with @akemp0013. Feminists – and people in general – come in all varieties. Some people like to wear dresses and makeup and some don’t. Some like sports and some like shopping. And some like all of the above at different times. It would actually be un-feminist to think that women should never wear dresses or makeup. It’s all about choices and doing what feels right for you. It’s easy to fall into that trap of thinking we “should” do something, but feminism is letting it all fall away and allowing yourself to be whoever you want to be!
I suppose we can all get into a hopeless muddle struggling to adopt what we are told is the correct language or behaviour, and I think we can waste a lot of energy and peace of mind worrying about it all. My attitude has always been to celebrate the person regardless of sex, age, creed, culture or any other variation I can think of, and when I like someone, to do so without agenda. That way, if I say “the wrong thing” I know it is just conditioning and that if my heart is in the right place, that will somehow filter through to those who I care about.
You’ve set me off, because your Blog always sets me off, because you are candid, honest and sincere in your writing, and that matters a lot more to me than anything else about you. Be proud of yourself. You have every right to be 🙂
A question for you, and my two-cents’-worth:
If feminism refers to being for equality of the sexes, why is wearing makeup an issue?
In my humble opinion, if you wear makeup because you like the way you look while wearing it, I don’t see why it should have any bearing on how “good” of a feminist you are.
Regarding who pays for dinner, it seems logical and practical for the person doing the inviting to pay for the meal. If you are not comfortable having your date pay every time, do the inviting, yourself. And you can add, “My treat,” for clarity.
From Vancouver, WA
If you were from various Chicago neighborhoods you’d say, “Yous guys”. So it could be much worse 🙂