I want to write about acceptance, but it’s tricky. I don’t know if I have any insight to offer. Maybe you have insight to offer me.
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There are some open questions about the stages of grief: how valid it is as a model, whether there are five stages or seven stages. But the stages, along with some religious thought, emphasize the culmination of grief and healing from grief as acceptance.
What is acceptance? At first glance, it seems to be agreeing with basic reality: This person is now gone. This person isn’t in my life anymore. This terrible thing did actually happen. (And of course, this can be true in situations that have nothing to do with death and still everything to do with grief.)
Or maybe acceptance can be thought of as letting go. Letting go of what used to be, or what you wanted to be, or what you thought was except it really wasn’t ever. Letting go of controlling what you cannot control.
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But I think acceptance encompasses something more than this.
Acceptance is also about understanding the reality of how life has changed because of what happened. Not just, this person died, but how is my life now different because of this death? Not just, this relationship ended, but what does mean for me to be single? Not just, my body doesn’t work the way it used to, but how do I have to live my life differently now that I don’t have certain physical capacities?
Acceptance involves integrating these changes, which can sometimes feel like consequences, into your life and into your concept of who you are.
Who am I now that I can no longer walk? Who am I now that I am no longer a spouse/sibling/parent/friend to this person? Who am I now that I have survived this terrible ordeal?
Who am I?
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Acceptance, I am beginning to believe, requires a generous amount of compassion for the self. Because as you sort out who you are in this new landscape, you are bound to find wounds and doubts and weaknesses and regrets. You probably won’t like everything you see.
But until you can love this new self, including any perceived drawbacks, including the tender and misshapen bits, I wonder if the process of acceptance can be completed.
I suspect it can’t.
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So then. When you are grieving, know this. It might be hard to remember, even impossible in this moment, but. You are still a beautiful and worthwhile individual.
You still shine with the light of a thousand stars.
Photo Credit: Skiwalker79 via Compfight cc
The Practical Free Spirit 
Its a tricky question. I’m reminded of that Dylan Thomas quote, ” Rage rage against the dying of the light, Do not go quietly into that dark night” etc. Which is the other end of the coin. “While there is life there is hope” etc, but I agree that in living a life you may have to see beyond the limitations and scars inflicted by time, loss or grief
I think a big part of acceptance is coming to terms with the fact that you are a different person than you were, and that the world is a different place than you thought.
There is pain you had not experienced before. Your sense of self has been disrupted, and you’re forced to find out who the new you is.
I really like this insight.
Acceptance can mean more than just one thing. In your context, it sounds more to me like you are describing “adaptation”, because adapting to a new chapter in life after some changing consequence is more of a process than acceptance is. I think acceptance is the aftermath of adapting and changing and feeling differently. Whether it is physically, emotionally, or mentally.
I’ve found that learning to live a different lifestyle takes a lot of mental challenges and self-control — Self control in your emotions (if you are sad about a death/end of a relationship), in your decisions (weight goals and choosing to eat a salad over pizza) in your daily routine (changing jobs/careers). These lifestyle changes that you’ve either put upon yourself or just happened without warning become changes you need to adapt to — with that said, everything ALWAYS falls into place one way or another, and you learn to adapt and live with these changes –henceforth ACCEPTING the changes.
Though it may be difficult at times to ever imagine being able to accept such extreme changes in our lives, I for one am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and as cheesy as it sounds, we can only grow stronger and wiser with every change we come by. They may seem like obstacles that are getting in the way of our goals and what we are used to, and even sometimes what we think we love and can’t live without, but as we adapt to these changes we will realize that things WILL get better, and this was the route you were supposed to take.
Life is full of surprises, Once you embrace change and accept the reality that things WILL change no matter how hard you try to keep them the same, the smoother the adaptation process will be.
food for thought 😉 Thanks for your posts! i enjoy reading them!
I think you’re so very right, especially about the requirement for compassion for the self — for me, that means allowing that shift into acceptance, and allowing that it can be slow going, and bumpy. Seems we’re taught to aspire to an ideal state of everything – instead of exploring the real stages of growth, and/or grief. Thank you for writing this, as always.
(I hesitated to post this comment, as I didn’t want to derail your birthday week posts by pinging older thoughts. I did want to comment and say thank you when my thoughts came together on this, after a week of mulling. I hope that it doesn’t derail anything.)
Thank you so much for your comments (and I’m glad you went ahead and said something, Fran. No derailment whatsoever!) I’ve read over what each of you had to say several times, and I feel like you’ve really helped to develop my understanding further.