Occasionally I read an article that makes me really excited because it puts an idea or concept so elegantly into words that even if I’ve thought about the topic many times before, I feel like I’ve made a brand new discovery. This happened a couple of days ago when I read Toni Bernhard’s “Why Judging People Makes Us Happy.”
In the article, she explains the distinction between discernment and judgment:
“Discernment means perceiving the way things are, period. Judgment is what we add to discernment when we make a comparison (implicit or explicit) between how things or people are and how we think they ought to be. So, in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things be the way we want them to be.”
When I was younger, I wanted so badly to be nonjudgmental that I often didn’t even allow myself to practice discernment. This had results about as unfortunate as you might expect.
When I started allowing myself to have opinions again, I had no idea what to do with them. Plus I’d been storing them up for quite some time. I felt like I was having judgmental thoughts left and right.
That’s why I like the idea of discernment, the middle ground of seeing the truth of what’s going on around you. Discernment doesn’t require excuse-making (for ourselves or for anybody else). It also doesn’t require us to change anything (or wish anybody would change). What it does allow for is seeing a situation as it is unfolding, for seeing how other people are acting and reacting, and for noticing how what’s going on is affecting our own states, whether that be emotionally or physically.
Photo Credit: jef safi \ ‘pictosophizing via Compfight cc
Discernment gives us data, the data of what actually is as opposed to wishes about what could be. Once we have data, then we can make good decisions for ourselves as to what actions we wish to take and what boundaries we might want to set. Without data, it’s hard to figure out the best way to take care of ourselves.
Let’s say I have a friend, and I notice that every time we’re together, he’s talking in a negative way. At that point I can pay attention to how that’s affecting me: Am I tired after we hang out? Do I feel more negative myself? What emotions am I feeling? Do I brush off the negativity fairly easily or does it linger for the rest of the day?
Maybe it doesn’t affect me very strongly, and I feel compassionate towards my friend because I know he’s having a hard time, in which case I don’t have to do anything at all. Or maybe I’m feeling drained or some other way that I don’t like feeling, and I realize I only want to spend time with my friend when I have a certain amount of energy. Maybe some other stuff is going on in the friendship too, and I decide I need some distance. Or maybe I have a conversation about it with my friend. All of these choices are fine, and they simply depend on the dynamics of that particular friendship.
Discernment and then action move us away from the blame game. Instead of thoughts of “it’s her fault, and why does she have to be that way?”, we move to “what do I need to do to take care of myself?” Taking care of ourselves is something we can act upon, and doing so allows us to have more compassion for those around us.
What do you think? Do you agree with Toni Bernhard’s definition of discernment vs. judgment?
The Practical Free Spirit 
This sounds very much like the Landmark Education idea of ‘story’. They use two circles to represent events; one is what happened, and the other is what you tell yourself happened. These two things are usually different in some way, the result of us applying our past experiences–and judgement–to whatever it happening to us.
And, similar to the idea you postulate, the goal becomes to recognize the difference between them and make decisions based not upon what you believe but upon what actually happened, to make sure you’re doing the right thing for you. Sometimes this will line up with your ‘story’, and sometimes it won’t.
One way or the other, it’s a challenging habit. People are not often willing to acknowledge that their own point of view could be incorrect.
Thanks for sharing this insight. *reblogging*
Discernment is one of my favorite words. Sometimes i wonder if I’m spending too much time trying to figure out the best course of action, but I value the process of turning emotional responses to thoughtful actions. Thanks Amy!
I sure do relate to your experience of wanting go be nonjudgmental when you were young. I think it shows open mindedness & a great ability to empathetically put yourself in other people’s shoes. It’s just hard to find that happy medium where we allow ourselves to have an opinion yet not judge those who feel differently. Your insight on discernment is so helpful here. I strive to be more decisive & sure-footed about how I feel & decisions I make. “Discernment means perceiving the way things are, Period” is so well said by Toni Bernhard. Living with discernment more often would help with getting away from thinking too much and second-guessing or adding judgment. If things ‘are what they are just because they are’ life would be simpler and our brains could take a break more often. It might allow for a closer connection to our Souls
Bernhard’s definition seems pretty good to separate the two things, but it seems incredibly difficult to implement.
I grew up pretty judgmental. I would guess it was mostly a combination of being smarter and better behaved than most of my peers while also being mistreated by them for being an odd child (quiet, shy introvert with glasses). I think my parents were a bit judgmental too.
In high school and afterwards, I became less quiet and outwardly judgmental. I caught a great deal of flak about it. I tried to become less judgmental, but I think mostly over the years I learned more how to internalize my judgmental thinking rather than actually get rid of it. I don’t know that I can actually let go of being judgmental, especially not by the “discernment vs judgment” definition you offer. To my eyes, the world is too fundamentally “wrong” not to be judgmental. Mind you, I have a long running internal debate as to whether the world is deeply wrong or if I am the aberration. Someone in college once said “You never stop arguing that you are right, but you never stop questioning whether you are wrong.”
There is one part of my life were discernment and judgment actually coexist rather well: my study of history. For example, my favorite historical subject is the Civil War. On a certain level, I really hate the South for being a bunch of ignorant racists clinging desperately to an idealized vision of their history rather than admitting how screwed up and mistaken they were. But if you listen to me lecture on the Civil War (or even casually discuss the subject with me), I think none of that comes across and I can passionately discuss military maneuvers and politic debates in an unbiased manner.
Maybe that difference comes from the past vs the present/future. I might be able to change what people know or think about the Civil War, but I can’t change what actually happened. On the other hand, I can change the thoughts and values of people going forward, limited only by my persuasive skills.
(This may all be related to the fact that I have a strong conscience but poor empathy.)