A couple of weeks ago I watched a TED talk by Brene Brown entitled “The Power of Vulnerability.” It’s twenty minutes long, but I highly recommend watching it when you get the chance. Brene Brown is a researcher who spent years studying vulnerability, shame, and human connection, and she shares valuable insights from her work and how it has affected her own life.
I’ve been seeing a common theme coming up this year, and it comes up again in this talk: that connection and well-being come from the inside, that they arise from our own beliefs and attitudes about ourselves.
I saw it in James Altucher’s post about Kamal Ravikant, who was desperately ill and miserable until he turned things around for himself and ended up writing a short book about the experience. His secret? He told himself that he loved himself a billion and one times.
I saw it in the reading I was doing about attachment styles. Apparently people with a healthy attachment style tend to assume that their needs will be met. And guess what? More often than not, their needs are met, one way or another. Part of this is probably because they are asking for what they need, and part of it is because they are attracting other people who are okay meeting some of these needs. The fact that they assume their needs are okay and will be met shows a greater sense of self worth.
And now here is Brene Brown, telling us that the one thing separating those people who experience a lot of love and belonging in their lives from those who do not is a sense of worthiness. When we believe that we are worthy of love and connection, when we believe that we are enough just as we are, then we can embrace our vulnerability, find our authenticity, and achieve greater connection.
And in her list of traits that these “heart whole” people have in common, she mentions them having compassion for themselves, because otherwise they are unable to have compassion for other people. This idea relates back to the Nice vs. Kind trap and one of the reasons being a people pleaser ultimately doesn’t work out so well.
At the end of last year, I wrote a post called “You are Worth It,” giving this message in yet another way.
This idea of worthiness circles back around on itself in a feedback loop. Take the recent World Fantasy Convention as an example. I entered into the convention feeling comfortable and like I belonged. Because of that, I was more relaxed, having a better time, and able to be very much Amy. So I could connect more easily with both people I knew and people I was meeting. Then people started joking that I knew everyone (not true, but thank you!), which made me feel like I belonged even more, and so made me connect more. Rinse and repeat.
Very Much Amy
The key point, though, is that the nifty cycle I described started with me. It began with me taking my career seriously and feeling like I belonged in a group of professionals. It began with me taking myself seriously, as a person worthy of respect. Without that, the cycle wouldn’t have had a chance to feed back on itself.
We talk a lot about authenticity: to connect with each other, and in a professional context, to connect with readers. This authenticity comes from the courage to be vulnerable. And make no mistake, it does take courage; this blog has taught me that. And here we find another loop: courage builds feelings of worthiness, and a feeling of self worth increases our courage.
Let’s be brave together.
The Practical Free Spirit 
Wait, you’re not ALWAYS Very Much Amy? I don’t think I can wrap my head around that :-).
I think this is true to some extent, although it’s not JUST belief, It is also attitude, practice, and that bravery you talk about. I went through a period of trying to say I was worthwhile and loved and it did not work. I could not just conjure the belief; I had to practice it and do things that reflected it. You have to translate it into your daily life by embodying it. You have to give it back to people as well, accepting that they are worthwhile and that you want to connect with them, to be part of their life, if only for a short amount of time.
I really like your point about practice. Yes, this belief didn’t just spontaneously happen; it took thought and work and practice and more practice. I do think when I am more open and vulnerable, I am more likely to to be kind and appreciative of other people as well.
Something that makes me very happy is that I’m becoming Very Much Amy more and more of the time. It’s very fun. 🙂
You’ve always struck me as confident and self-worthy, but I’m glad that you can feel even more so sometimes.
Once again, this post speaks to me, and reflects what I’ve seen in my life. Attitude changes everything, and helps to affect even things “out of our control” (like how friends react, or how others treat us). There’s so much to be gained by being positive. So much.
It never ceases to be amazing and wonderful to me how much of a difference I can make in my life from the inside out.
Amy, my friend, you are one of the great ones.
I feel like we’re on somewhat opposite paths pointing towards the same goal. I’ve never been a people pleaser; while I’ve always wanted approval, I watched my dad bend to other people’s too much to ever do it myself. Instead I became someone who put too much criticism on others, kept them at a distance, whenever I didn’t get their approval or was afraid I wouldn’t get it. It comes from the same place, I think: Fear that people will leave.
I’m working on letting people know how I care, building them up rather than seeming like I’m trying to build them up by instead controlling my situation by being critical. We can all be critical enough about ourselves without others doing so, I’m starting to feel. I’m doing it not because I expect they’ll respond positively (one of my favourite lines is, “you are who you love, not who loves you”), but because I need to validate my own feelings. I care about a great many things and people, very, very much – to an extent and with an intensity that I still find hard to consider a good thing. But it is a gift to care so strongly, I think, and I will own it. It, more than anything else, makes me the interesting person that I am.
I was so glad to see you at World Fantasy looking so well. You were very much the person I met at Taos, as much a pleasure to be around as ever, just more centred, more filled up inside. Confidence looks good on you.
Oh, and sorry we didn’t get a chance to play Go. We’ll have to try to get in a game some other time.
Oh sure, I agree there’s a spectrum, and that’s a very astute observation. I like the mental image of us waving at each other as we both draw closer to the center.
About criticism: now that’s a meaty topic. Possibly too meaty for my still somewhat sick brain to take on. Although I will venture the opinion that criticism is generally not well received (with exceptions for critiques and that sort of structured thing).
Intensity is a blessing and a curse. It’s harder to learn to work with, I think, because there is more of it.
I’m sorry we didn’t play Go too. Silly hurricane messing up my schedule. But hopefully we’ll have another opportunity. 🙂
I always appreciate your kind-hearted approach to expression!
❤
Aw, thank you. I had a lot of fun writing this one. 🙂
Very Much Amy!
It sounds like you and I were on a similar deliberate path at WFC. For me — I was experiencing some serious social anxiety about going — about connecting with new people (and even some old friends). But I promised myself I would just get in there and things would be fine. And they were!
Another great post. thank you!
Ha, sometimes I get a little worried ahead of time too. Especially when I’m injured…even though I’ve found that so much of the time, people are very kind and helpful when that is true.
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