I’ve been thinking about non-attachment.
When we discussed Buddhism in high school, I thought non-attachment sounded very sterile, like it encouraged people to not care about anything. This was a misunderstanding on my part, of course. Any religion that talks so much about compassion and loving-kindness isn’t about the not caring. It’s more complicated than that, and it has to do with our relationship with desire.
We are not always going to get everything we want. When we do get one thing we want, then we want something else. Sometimes we get caught in a trap of thinking, if only I had blah blah blah (where blah blah blah can be a certain type of career, a certain type of relationship, a certain level of health, a certain amount of money, etc. etc.), then everything would be perfect. My life would be complete.
But that generally isn’t so. We get a certain amount of money, and then maybe our health goes down the tubes. We get a certain type of career only to realize we really want to go up another tier or do something else altogether. Our health improves, and then maybe a close friend gets sick, or she moves away and then we miss her and busy ourselves thinking, if only I had more friends. We desperately wish for something in the future, but we can’t be sure of the outcome.
And sometimes we simply don’t get what we want at all. We can’t quit that irritating day job. Our family won’t stop making demands on us that we can’t meet. We have a chronic health condition. We get laid off, we don’t get into the program that would have made all the difference, we can’t afford this workshop or that trip or those material goods.
Right this second my back hurts and I want it to stop hurting. Sometime soon I’ll stop typing and do a few stretches and exercises, and it will probably feel a little better. But that won’t last. Over time I can strengthen my back so it feels more better more of the time. But really I want the pain to stop now, and permanently, with no effort. I’m not going to get what I want. These little moments of not getting what we want happen all the time.
Photo by David Boyle
Which is where non-attachment comes in. I think of it as the acceptance of thwarted desire. It’s the awareness that this is our reality, that we want and yet we’re not going to get everything we want. And that it’s okay that this is true. We will want something, and then that wanting will eventually pass. It might take a long time to do so, or it might not. Everything changes, and changes, and changes again. And the more we can be aware of this movement, and even embrace it, the less suffering we will experience.
At least, this is what I’ve been thinking about. Sitting with the feeling of desire, which keeps coming up. Watching it, and the emotions it often comes with, and remembering this is just one moment. I think it helps to be aware of what’s going on and allow ourselves to pay attention to that experience. But if you want a whole list of great suggestions of how to practice and think about non-attachment, read what Lori Deschene has to say about it.
What do you think?
The Practical Free Spirit 
This has been my life for the last few years – finding a balance between happiness and desire, and generally working toward being happy with what I have (while working to put happy/pleasurable things into my life). I still find myself with a lot of monetary daydreams (especially lately), but optimism serves me very, very well.
I don’t think I’ll ever reach a Buddhist level of detachment, and in a possibly ironic twist, I’m absolutely fine with that.
Ha! Yeah, I’m with you on that last–I don’t think I’ll reach it either, and that’s okay with me. I think both optimism and gratitude really help put a kabosh on endless want want want.
“When we discussed Buddhism in high school”
Kudos for attending a school that actually discussed Buddhism; I don’t think mine ever did.
Personally, I think World Religions should be a required high school class. Not angling for or against, just making students aware of what is (and what used to be) out there in different parts of the world or what the heck is the difference between the 31 flavors of Protestant Christianity.
“I think of it as the acceptance of thwarted desire.”
Which is essentially the antithesis of American society. On average, we’re greedy and impatient as hell. Midnight releases, expanding waistlines, my-way-or-the-highway polarized politics, rampant capitalism and consumerism.
You can’t always get
what you want
but sometimes you just might find
you get what you need.
Oh, I love that poem at the end. Very nice.
Yes, American society is very consumerist, materialistic, keeping up with the Joneses. And we’re encouraged to be that way for the economy’s sake. It can be difficult to move away from this with all the external encouragement.
I agree that World Religions would be great to expose everyone to. Not just Protestant flavors, though, but Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam, etc. It might be difficult for many to teach without bias, however. I actually think the difference between the Protestants is a bit less interesting, although since those tiny differences are used to promote intolerance, I know they’re important too.
I think that what you wrote about is all very true, and also very hard to achieve. But it’s worth trying.
Yes, very hard! But I’m pretty sure I’ll do better if I try than if I decide to ignore it. 🙂
Being human teflon does protect the self but can make for lack of permanence. Thus life is the struggle. ❤
Suffering is unavoidable, the wisdom goes. But I do think there are places of more balance, and other places of less balance. (Maybe that’s my inner optimist again!)
My inner optimist is the 7 year-old little girl who still isn’t afraid to express, and to believe the world is basically good.
Its that struggle to protect her and to keep the crone from overpowering the whole soul.
I like your writings!