“I aspire to eccentricity,” I said recently at a party. “By the time I reach my sixties, I want to claim it completely. I want to be a full-blown eccentric.”
It takes a special kind of strength to claim our eccentricity, to go against social norms and expectations, to wave the weird flag. There’s a subculture in the US, consisting of artistic types, unconventional types, adventurous types, and free spirits, who consider the statement “You’re weird” to be one of the highest compliments. It’s a reclamation of words that cut to the bone on the elementary school playground.
What’s interesting about being a free spirit, or a rebel, or any of these other labels, is that there isn’t one way to do it. We talked a couple of years ago about Hollywood’s depictions of free spirits as spacy, often irresponsible, Bohemian, manic pixie dream girls. But allowing ourselves to fit into these pre-constructed molds is an inherent act of conformity. In order to truly be a free spirit, to claim that eccentricity within, we do ourselves a disservice if we follow the map society hands us. “Here’s what you’re supposed to be if you’re a free spirit.” Ha! When the whole point is to decide for yourself.
We are held back by these maps, by these preconceptions. The well-honed ability of human beings to practice self-deception will never cease to amaze me. I am so good at it, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It is only when these maps, these boundaries, and these assumptions are challenged that we can begin to truly cultivate ourselves, eccentricities and all. Otherwise, not only do we limit the choices in our stories to a much more narrow band than necessary, but we fail to know ourselves.
Photo by H Koppdelaney
If we look at what lurks underneath this disconnect, we’ll often find fear. Fear of being different. Fear of not being loved. Fear of change. Fear of loss of safety. Fear of having to confront hard truths, of being stuck into the red hot forge until we become malleable enough to be re-shaped and see more clearly.
In order to know ourselves, in order to discover what shape our eccentricities will take, we have to walk into the fear. We have to gently nudge ourselves forward, and we have to experience the pain that comes with seeing that reality does not always conform with our expectations, our beliefs, and our desires. Claiming eccentricity fully means spending our lives exploring, both what it means to be us and how that intersects with the rest of the world. It means ignoring that innate desire to mirror what and who is around us. It means thinking instead of automatically agreeing. It means creating a ripple of discomfort around ourselves, and perhaps learning to defuse it somewhat with humor, charisma, and tact (and sometimes choosing purposefully to let the discomfort stand). It means choosing how we express ourselves.
What we find when we strip ourselves down, layer by layer, is true eccentricity. A lot of people call this authenticity. I think maybe it’s the same thing, only authenticity sounds more noble. It’s simultaneously a loss of innocence and a rebirth of innocence. Nothing is the way it seemed–not society, not the people we know, not even ourselves. (Get stuck here and you achieve bitterness, disillusionment, cynicism.)
Beyond it, though, lies the innocence of being connected to ourselves in the moment. The innocence of “I am.” The innocence of the joy that is generated by living in harmony with who we are.
I made a joke at a party. But this is really what I meant. There’s something a little eccentric about that, don’t you think?
The Practical Free Spirit 
what frustrates me is getting back to the whole “what you do defines you”. Very few people in this world have the luxury of living the life they want without regard for money. In my case, I have more undergrad college debt than most people who attend medical school…These loans don’t wait for anything..On top of that I have a husband and a daughter, typical American family right?..I have to work. I have already come to terms I will never be able to be what my heart desires. However, I could possibly be my second choice, and I am working on making that a reality as we speak. However, most jobs require you to commit to certain social norms in order to stay employed. For instance, someone who has a job in the public eye and is also eccentric may be seen as “different” from their co-workers, and that can work against you in most cases. This is what I struggle with on a constant basis. Having to separate who I really am from my work. I feel like I am not being true to myself by acting different ways around different people, but I also need a monthly income. How do you find a balance? Does it mean you should only take jobs where you are allowed to be eccentric? Those are few and far between 😦
I would disagree with the basic statement of “what you do defines you.” While there is some truth to it, I think it’s more complex than that.
Yes, most of us either need a job/career or want one (or both). And different jobs will require different behavior. I’ve spent most of my life working with kids and teens in one capacity or another, which requires a certain mode of conduct. It may have been partly luck, and also why I was drawn to teaching in the first place, but many of my eccentricities are actually strengths in that field. (It also depends, I think, on where you live geographically.)
I think in many cases it is possible to be very connected to who you are and choose not to fully express that in a professional capacity. It depends, though. For example, if your job requires you to do something you feel is morally wrong, that is much more likely to cause a disconnect than if, say, you’re not allowed to dye your hair purple. (And I’ll add that if your work is monitoring what you’re doing on your off time and has an issue with it, even though it is harming no one and is in no way relevant to your abilities to perform your job, that just completely sucks.)
Even if you’re dealing with the hair dye kind of problem, though, it is not a fun situation to be in to not feel comfortable at the workplace or feel like you’re constantly having to rein yourself in. Perhaps that’s why we have the stereotype of the elderly being particularly eccentric. They’re retired so they don’t have to worry about losing their living as a result.
So true!
Thank you Amy!
Love,
Terryl
Ah, Terryl, it brightened my morning to see your name. 🙂
Eccentricity and weirdness is such a broad term.
You have stereotypical old ladies who live alone with dozens of cats.
I know of someone from grade school who to do this day (he’s also 30ish) usually wears all black with spikes, a classic 70s spiked mohawk, advocates anarchy, and probably has used a frightening amount of drugs is his lifetime. He was one of those kids in grade school who clearly was not normal in the head.
There is another guy who is a regular at my local gaming store. You never know what color his hair or clothes are going to be or what nonsensical words will come out of his mouth. When gaming, he plays the armies with the evil, dark, and/or strange flavor. For anyone familiar with D&D and it’s alignment system, he is one of only two people I’ve ever met I would consider Chaotic Neutral.
I’ve met two other guys, one at college and another in the local gaming scene, who both have no concept of personal space, treat everyone they meet like a close personal friend to the point of creepiness, and use profanity as a seemingly random adjective – but not with the regularity of a Hollywood mobster, which makes it all the more random and jarring. Aspergers? I don’t know.
I read large quantities of thick nonfiction for fun, make obscure references, like to wear shirts that I feel advertise my interests, make terrible puns with glee, espouse some ideas that everyone I’ve ever met finds headscratchingly unusual, act like a ham, shamelessly dance bad due to spontaneous inspiration, and am generally socially out of place especially with classically “normal” people. Yet to a casual observer I might blend in fairly well and I think the other people I’ve listed are off-their-rocker crazies who I want nothing to do with or others of their kind.
I am a weird/eccentric?
Is weird/eccentric inclusive of people who are legitimately diagnosable crazy?
Hiya Joshism – I reckon you’d get a kick out of this comic:
http://www.questionablecontent.net/
Well, I think you get to decide. I think the idea of normality is in many aspects a socially constructed one. Maybe we’re all eccentric inside our own heads.
For me, I think of eccentricity as embracing parts of myself that don’t completely line up with society’s ideas of “normal” or “average” or what-have-you.
And no, I don’t think everyone who is eccentric will automatically get along with everybody else who is eccentric. Isn’t that one of the geek fallacies as well?
You are so wise, Amy, for one so young. Every time I read one of your posts, I am blown away by the insight. Unequivocally, you rock.
Ah, thanks, Laurie. I’m doing my best. 🙂 But I still have so much to learn! Of course, that means life remains fascinating.
Great blog Amy!
I know fear drives me about as much as perceived “love” and there isn’t much I can do but try to learn.
~L