“I spend way too much time worrying about whether I’m okay enough for people.” – An anonymous friend
Right now I’m feeling angry. I’m angry that it can be so easy to feel the way my friend feels right now. I’m angry because I’ve felt that way before. I’m angry because now I understand how many people encouraged me to feel that way.
Jim Hines published a brilliant blog post yesterday about boundaries. Please please please, if you have ever liked anything I’ve written on this blog, go read what he has to say. Go right now. I’m serious. Go even if that means you won’t finish reading this.
No. No no no no no.
I grew up being taught, both implicitly and explicitly, that it wasn’t okay for me to say no. I drew a few lines in the sand, but now it pains me to think of how few, and how much inner turmoil I suffered to stand up for them.
A bit more than a year and a half ago, a person I was close to finally pushed me too far. And I started saying no, the way I wish I had done many years before.
This person tried to punish me for saying no. He didn’t want there to be a problem, so he simply ignored it. He pressured me to pretend everything was fine, to be okay with what had happened, to once more make a huge sacrifice for his own convenience. He sent me manipulative emails and the most passive aggressive birthday card imaginable. He took something he knew I cared about and tried to use it to force me to see him against my will.
I only talked about this as it was happening to a few people. Because I believed that not only did this person think it was not okay for me to say no, but that everyone else–society as a whole–would agree with him. I still think that’s true to a certain extent. Many people are not okay with the idea of boundaries, that we have the right to decide what we will and will not do in relation to other people. I’m sure many people would tell me to suck it up, to be the nice girl, the good girl, and preach the power of forgiveness. Even though they aren’t even involved in any way, they would tell me to go back to being a doormat. (Why? Why does me having power have to threaten the entire world order? I have no idea.)
As an old friend of mine used to say, that’s bullshit. I no longer want anybody in my life who is not okay with me saying no. Full stop. I have drawn my line in the sand and this time it runs all the way down to the earth’s core.
It is okay to say no. Even when people react with anger, hurt, and pique, it is okay to say no. Even if it means people will no longer like you, it’s okay to say no. (These are not the people who will love and cherish you and have your back and support you through good times and bad in any case.) It is okay to take care of yourself, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who will support you in doing that.
Never let anyone tell you differently.
The Practical Free Spirit 
I am wrestling with this issue right now. Placing one’s own needs first is incredibly difficult, but I have found that my most frightening mood-swings are the direct result of feeling powerless. What’s difficult for me is taking the stance that I know best and am the one making the decision. I’m so used to seeking approval that it’s hard for me to trust my own opinions. It’s not simply a matter of exchanging a stressful situation for a non-stressful one — it’s developing an ability to cope with stress appropriately, with an acceptable amount of contention.
It gets even more complicated when trying to make a joint decision. Yeesh. And trying to balance keeping an open mind with setting boundaries, saying no, etc. All tricky if you don’t have practice.
Great post! I’m really sorry about the person who wouldn’t take no…
I wondered how feeling like obedience is required got to be so common, but of course it’s because we start out as children, and it’s not okay to say no to your parents on important things. (It’s really not!) But there’s never a clear transition to: okay, now you’re the responsible one, go for it. Being a teenager often makes people rebellious by default — I suppose that’s where we’re supposed to grow our own spines — but in this culture teenage years seem to be about nonsense, not independence. So only the jerks wind up being willful, and the nice people get stuck as obedient children. Hmmm.
There is the cult of nice, and if you are indoctrinated in it when young, I think it contributes to a difficulty in saying no. I think it’s important to teach our young people that it is okay to have needs and take care of themselves, and I don’t think that lesson always get taught.
Well said. Having boundaries and enforcing them is part of being a healthy adult. Anyone who has a problem with this is someone to be leery of.
I am beginning to understand how true this actually is.
I love this post.
Saying “no” is as important (or perhaps moreso) than saying “yes”, especially in terms of personal happiness. Ending something, turning things down, and cutting your losses all have negative connotations, but are some of the most important things we can all do.
It also plays into being able to make decisions, because for many decisions, if you’re saying yes to something, you’re probably saying no to something else.
I’m dealing with this right now in a very specific way: learning to say no if I don’t want to share something about my life with someone, whether THEY consider it private or not. Just because they want to know, or just because they don’t think it’s something I need to keep private because THEY wouldn’t care… to them that means that I SHOULD tell them and if I won’t, they push.
Here’s where I’m learning to say, “No,” and you know what? It’s working.
On another note, in regards to what you said here, “I only talked about this as it was happening to a few people. Because I believed that not only did this person think it was not okay for me to say no, but that everyone else–society as a whole–would agree with him”, that same situation has happened to me. It’s hurtful – you should be able to know that those close to you will side with YOU, not the other person and you should be able to know they’ll have your back. No matter what. I’m sorry you experienced that.
Great post.
Thanks. I’m very pleased with how effective saying no actually is. Plus it gets easier with practice (thank goodness!)
Yes, it does!
You are an honest and powerful woman, be proud. I am 52 and wrextling with this stuff.
Thank you so much.
I imagine I’ll be wrestling with it for a good long while. There are some interesting and complex nuances involved–parts of it are straightforward, but other parts much less so.
This is a marvelous post. I hope that any parents reading it will come away with the idea of teaching their kids when it is appropriate to say no as they grow up, and teach them how other people try to push past their “no,” just as they should teach when it is important to say yes.
I would have loved to be taught that earlier. Although better late than never!
I’m not sure that the saying No is the hard part.
The hard part is owning the conviction that you don’t *owe* anyone an explanation for your own boundaries.
I think different people have different hard parts. For me, both of those can be hard, but I can really see how the “obligation” to explain can be insidious.
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I agree with you (and Jim) completely.
I think one think that makes this problem worse is that many people have an expectation of being coerced, that if you don’t try to persuade them you must not really want them to do something, or that you should refuse politely and then allow the other person to “talk you into it.”
It would be great if we were all just honest with ourselves and others, and we all respected that honesty.
I love that last sentence of yours. Yes. That. It would also be great if we could all behave like adults (well, at least those of us who ARE adults) and deal with our own emotions as they come up instead of trying to make someone who said no to us feel guilty.
You bring up a very real problem, though. I certainly fall into that trap myself on occasion.
I don’t think anyone needs friends who are going to be manipulative or passive-aggressive towards them.
I completely agree. Who needs enemies with friends like that, huh?
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