Last night I asked my husband what I should write about next for the blog. “If you don’t tell me what to write,” I said, “I’m going to talk about teeth.” He looked horrified and gave me a few topic suggestions. And here I am writing about teeth anyway.
I’ve been trying really hard not to whine about my dental problems too much, which is hard, because I feel this pressing need to whine. Seven months and counting, and right this minute I have a not insignificant toothache from the same tooth that’s been causing the problems all along. I’ve been through two root canals, an onlay, two permanent crowns, and three or four temporary crowns for this one tooth, not to mention gum surgery, several courses of antibiotics and steroids, and countess bite adjustments. It still hurts. And now a new filling on the opposite side of my mouth has decided to act up and hate on anything cold. Eating has become an interesting exercise since I now have two bum teeth on opposite sides of my mouth.
I can question the competence of my dentists all I want, but ultimately they just really really want to save this tooth. They care about saving the tooth more than they care about the pain it is causing me or the subsequent deterioration of my quality of life. My tooth is, after all, irreplaceable; no prosthesis will be as good as the real thing.
It occurs to me as I obsess about my mouth that this is a more universal problem. How do we decide when it’s time to let go of something? I think it’s probably about time for an extraction of my tooth, but without 100% support from the dental establishment, I have hesitated for several months now. I’m kicking myself because maybe all this pain could have ended last December. But how do I decide when it’s time to give up on the tooth?
How do we decide when to give up on anything? What is it that tips us over the edge into deciding a marriage just isn’t going to work? What motivates us to change careers? What is the key information we need to make the call that a business relationship isn’t working out or a person is just never going to treat us respectfully? How do we make the call that “enough is enough” and that something has got to change?
I have a lot of trouble letting go. My stubbornness is an extremely useful trait in many ways, but it can occasionally be inconvenient. What kills me the most is that so often, we’ll never know for sure. We won’t know what would have happened if we’d made a different choice. Maybe if I’d stuck with that relationship for another month or two, that extra time would have made the difference. That’s the insidious whisper that plays inside my head. Maybe if I try one more dental treatment, I’ll get to keep my original tooth. Maybe if I can persevere at a task for a while longer, it will become more rewarding. Maybe maybe maybe.
Or maybe it’s time to make a hard decision and extract that broken molar from its roots, rip the band aid off the skin, take a stand and say, “This is where I draw the line.” There’s giving up and then there’s embracing change; the line between the two is murky but important, because one feels like defeat while the other one can be liberating. A sad and bracing liberation, to be sure, but I’ll take it over straightforward defeat any day.
So tell me: how do YOU make such decisions? When is giving up the right thing to do?
The Practical Free Spirit 
I pretend to make a decision, and then I sit quietly and pretend it is a done deal. I visualize how my days will unfold, having made that decision. I try to feel it, as if it really is now the status quo. Then I do the same with the opposite choice. If I give it enough time and attention, this method really works for me. Somehow you uncover things you hadn’t thought of in the passionless process of drawing a line down the middle of a page and listing pros and cons of each choice. You FEEL it. And you can feel whether you’d be able to live with it.
Best wishes.
This is very similar to some good advice my mom gave me, which is what I do sometimes for HUGE decisions. She told me to make up my mind, and then sleep on it and wait a few days. Then to see how I felt and base my *real* decision on that. I often do the pros/cons before this, but you’re right that this helps me go an extra step.
I usually make a decision with my instincts. If I make a mistake, I reevaluate and see if there are any factors I wasn’t aware of when I made the decision. Letting go and moving on helps, as is being comfortable with change. But I am becoming more comfortable making mistakes, as it facilitates learning.
Get better Amy!
Yes, I agree with you: I am trying to embrace my mistakes! It’s an uphill battle for this recovering perfectionist. 🙂
This is a topic which fascinates me. I did a lot of thinking and writing about it a couple of years ago. In the end I think I give up on things when I want something else more. That way I am making a decision of power rather than admitting defeat. I spend more words on the subject in my post “Sometimes Giving Up is the Right Thing to Do.”
Thanks for pointing me to your post; I really enjoyed it. I agree with you that sometimes it’s the right thing to do to stop doing something. Life happens, after all, and priorities change.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much pain. I’ve had two gum surgeries, one on my entire mouth. And I kept freaking about losing my teeth. But I haven’t gone through what you’ve gone through.
I don’t know, Ada. A gum surgery on your entire mouth? That sounds very freakout-able! I’ve decided that tooth/mouth/gum pain pretty much sucks regardless of circumstances.
When I’m really torn about something, I make lists. And then I stay up all night thinking about them. Those very late discussions with myself seem to lead me to better decisions, although I hate losing sleep.
I, too, am sorry that your teeth are still causing you pain. Try a list of pro’s and con’s, maybe? It helps me rationalize decisions, and since I most frequently rely on my gut, it adds a fresh perspective.
Oh, me too! I make tons of lists, sometimes. But then I can’t always decide. I’ve noticed that I tend to subconsciously come up with the same number of items on the pro and con sides. 🙂
The tooth thing is difficult because there is a certain lack of information as to what is causing the pain. Is it a crack in the tooth? Is there inflammation due to so much work in the area in such a short period of time? How much is to blame on jaw tension/TMJ? Or some combination of the above factors? It drives me nuts because each of those things has a different best course of action.
I finally had a gold crown put over a tooth that was causing me pain. I had it shaped by the dentist to merely a post, then he applied this goopy adhesive to it and whammo…slapped a gold crown on it. Zero pain since.
Also, I’m kinda gangsta. But you have to look WAAY in the back to see the gold beastie. It was a no-brainer, in my case.
Ar ar, matey! Strangely, you are not the first person to suggest I go gold. 🙂 Glad to hear that it resolved your problem!
I’m sorry to hear about your tooth. I’ve been through a few things, but they seem minor compared to this story. I hope you get it resolved soon!
Thank you! I’ve been something of a hermit since this began last November, and I’m ready to be done and get on with my life. 🙂
Seems like half of what I write is about my ears, so I think you’re totally entitled to some kvetching, especially about pain. My issue is just an annoying sound that keeps me up at night and partial deafness. Yours HURTS. So hugs for Miss Amy, and I think you’ve stuck with it long enough.
The decision to give up is one of cost vs reward. In all cases, the balancing point between the two must be constantly evaluated. When it tips too far away from reward, you have your answer. Regret is the price, but it need not be a high price if you resolve not to plague yourself with ‘what ifs?’
Oh, I’ve had ear troubles too, as you know, and they are seriously annoying. So I think both issues deserve some MAJOR kvetching. 🙂
It turns out that it will be difficult for me to get in to see an oral surgeon because all the HS kids are getting their wisdom teeth out since it’s summer. And since my case isn’t an emergency, technically, they won’t try very hard to squeeze me in. So, my plan is to do some more work to loosen my jaw muscle, let the area calm down, and then re-evaluate post-birthday (there is no way I’m dealing with surgery until after birthday festivities!!!)
Hi Amy. This post really resonated with me because I am facing a similar type of decision right now (letting go of something I’ve always wanted because getting it may be very unlikely and may cause significant physical and and emotion pain). For me, it boils down to this: is having X thing worth the physical and emotional pain you’d have go through to get it? Imagine life with and without X thing and evaluate how badly you want that thing and what you’re willing to endure to make it happen (and what percentage risk you’re willing to tolerate that you might go through all that pain and it won’t happen anyway). My hubby is a scientist, so we also always make detailed pro and con lists for all outcomes 😉
Gah, tough decisions are tough! I am wishing that we both end up making decisions that we feel content with.
Seems painful. Pull out the tooth and have some tooth implants?
Yes, maybe. Unfortunately if the tooth has no crack and this is a jaw issue, that would make it worse though…. I lack data! 🙂
I tend to go with my gut. As in, “making this decision eases the anxiety in my gut” so I’ll choose it. I have a really sensitive tummy that has issues when I’m doing something big in my life. Anything that calms that down is a good plan for me!