How to Become More Assertive

April 19, 2011 by Amy Sundberg

Last week I wrote about some of the symptoms of being a people pleaser, and I promised to share techniques I’ve used to move away from that behavior. I wish I could write an article entitled “How to Become the Happier and More Assertive You in Four Easy Steps,” but the truth of the matter is that it probably won’t be easy, and some of the strategies I’ve used might not work for you. Whenever we set out to change ourselves, especially in such a significant way, we are engaged in the personal equivalent of scaling Mount Everest. Should we set such lofty goals for ourselves? YES! But we also need to pace ourselves, be gentle to ourselves, and expect some setbacks along the way.

I’ve found the following to be helpful:

1. Blogging: Yes, you already know how in love with blogging I am. But there’s a neat side effect that helps with assertiveness. In order to write a decent blog, I have to share my thoughts and opinions on a regular basis. Twice a week, in fact. And people read them. After blogging for over nine months, I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable sharing my thoughts and opinions in person as well. It’s begun to feel natural because I do it so often.

And for those of you saying, “But no one would read my blog,” I would respond that what matters the most about this technique is that you’vre sharing your opinion and you’re making it public. Even if tons of people aren’t reading, they could read anytime in the future. Especially if you link your blog posts to your Facebook and Twitter accounts, which I think you should do. It’s about the practice of entering a certain frame of mind more than it’s about page view numbers.

2. Providing structure: When we know that we are people pleasers, there are certain aspects of our behavior that we can predict. For example, I know that I’m going to struggle to say no in many situations. Especially in situations that regularly repeat themselves, we can create a framework to help us behave in the way we want to behave rather than the way we tend to behave.

Even though I’m a people pleaser, I started a service-oriented business. Can you imagine all the things that could go wrong with that combination? But right from the beginning, I was extremely dedicated to my business policy. I spent a few years tweaking it until it worked the way I wanted it to work, and then I made every client sign the policy before we’d start lessons. That way, whenever I had to say no–and there were many, many such times–I had a template I could fall back on. “I hear that you want x, but I’m afraid that my policy states that I don’t do x.” This also protected me from worry stemming from being overly conscientious and making excuses for my clients, because since they had signed the document, I knew they knew what our agreement was. (Other examples of creating structure might be a weekly scheduled and inviolate “me time” or a strict definition of when a certain task is “finished” to avoid over perfectionism.)

3. Insisting on respect and surrounding ourselves with supportive people:This is a tricky one because as people pleasers, we aren’t very good at this. We want to believe the best of everyone, we want everyone to like us, we want to help everyone because we have such an overflow of empathy, and we attract people who are at best inattentive and at worst may be trying to take advantage of an easy target. Sometimes it is easy for us to believe that everyone lives like this. Well, news flash: They don’t.

Interestingly, what I’ve found is that when I’m able to present myself in a more confident and assertive manner, I stop attracting many of the people who want to take advantage of my niceness (and those I do attract, I tend to recognize more quickly). And I’m able to present myself better when I’m not weighed down by said people. A bit of a Catch-22, isn’t it? We don’t want to let go of our unhealthy relationships because then we’ll be lonely, but until we do, we won’t meet more supportive people, and guess what? We’ll still be lonely.That’s why I use the word “insisting” above. Do you know how many times a week I tell myself, “Amy, you deserve to be treated well” or “Amy, you are interesting and worthy of respect” or “Stop being so hard on yourself, you’re doing the best you can?” Well, it depends on how bad a week I’m having, but it’s usually many, many times. I’m in the process of reprogramming the way my brain responds, so the more repetitions, the better. Eventually I begin to really believe it, and then I find myself arguing with the car salesman who is being rude to me (something I would never have done even a year or two ago). Even though it’s difficult at first, I think aggressive setting of boundaries can be very helpful when people pleasers are trying to create an environment for themselves that involves more mutual respect.

4. Exploring root causes and putting your foot down: Ultimately there is probably a reason (or many reasons) why we are people pleasers. Our behavior had to start somewhere, right? At some point we had to decide (often unconsciously) that being a people pleaser was a good life strategy. Maybe we had an important role model who was a people pleaser. Maybe our people pleasing behavior was rewarded in certain ways (or maybe other behavior was punished). Maybe our contributions were devalued, or perhaps we took society’s “good girl” myth a little (or a lot) too far. If we address our behavior from its root cause, the results can be dramatic. Once we’ve identified the cause, we have a better understanding of our behavior, and from understanding comes empowerment. (Sometimes we’ll do this backwards, acting in an empowered way as we’ve been practicing, and then realizing the root cause from the results. Either way works.)

This is a hard but rewarding journey. Some people in your life won’t be too happy about your growing self-respect. This is sad but inevitable, and will cause conflict (the conflict you may have been avoiding all this time). Other people will be cheering you on the whole way. And you may begin to feel more like the real you, an amazing person who’s just been waiting for a chance to shine.

And now, dear readers, it’s your turn. Any additional strategies or examples you can share? (I love examples because they allow us to visualize possibilities.) I’d love to hear from you!

Edit: I’ve written more about being assertive here.

Posted in Life | Tagged Amy Sundberg, assertiveness, behavior, blogging, people pleaser, self respect, support | 15 Comments

15 Responses

on April 19, 2011 at 9:26 am | Reply Sean Craven

I’ve recently gotten an interesting lesson in exactly this.

My approach to life is to try and be as good as possible, and then reap the inevitable rewards.

This works out exactly the way you would imagine.

Our new dog has been sleeping on the bed with the rest of us for a while now, and he’s my dog. So he sleeps next to me. And he shoves himself up against me, and will will try and sit on top of me if he wants to make a leftist statement.

So he’ll be shoving at me from one side, and the missus will be shoving at me from the other, and you know what?

I’m sleeping better then ever. Because I’ve resorted to the unspeakable. I’ve been shoving back. Pushing until I have enough space to be comfortable.

I think this falls under heading number four…
- on April 20, 2011 at 11:51 am | Reply Amy Sundberg
  
  Yay for shoving back! This is an awesome anecdote, Sean.
  
  I still try to be as good as possible, but with a clearer definition of what that actually means to me.
on April 19, 2011 at 11:45 am | Reply Melissa

I was waiting for this one, and it’s indeed an awesome post—thank you, Amy. I’ll take it to heart! And I’m thinking of others I know whom I hope will take it to heart. Life’s too short to tiptoe silently around others and never take our power for our own.
- on April 20, 2011 at 11:53 am | Reply Amy Sundberg
  
  Yes, I find the “life’s too short” philosophy to be very helpful in convincing me to empower myself. After all, I want my story to be something I can look back to with pride at the end of my life, that I took chances and respected both myself and others.
on April 19, 2011 at 11:08 pm | Reply Marilag Lubag

My reason for being a people pleaser: pent up anger. I was so angry at my grandmother and my uncle that I learned to ignore my feelings. Basically, I ignored how I feel as a protective mechanism. The moment I let go of that anger, my tendency to please people decreased.
- on April 20, 2011 at 11:55 am | Reply Amy Sundberg
  
  Yes! And of course, being a people pleaser often causes the anger to keep on growing because we’re constantly being taken advantage of, which continues the cycle.
  
  You deserve massive congratulations for breaking the cycle. And also hugs. 🙂
on April 20, 2011 at 11:23 am | Reply Janine Smith

I’ve been a “people pleaser” my entire life, or at least as long as I can remember. It’s just how my personality is, really…I’ve always been a type 9 on the Enneagram. If there was something that triggered that, I’m not sure what it was.

That said, I definitely recognize the need to be more assertive, and I’m trying. I have been trying for a while now. It’s not easy, but I think I’m doing a little better each time I need to speak up for myself. Oftentimes I do resort to my strong inclination to avoid conflict, but now at least I usually recognize when I’m doing it. I figure that’s a step in the right direction, at least!
- on April 20, 2011 at 12:02 pm | Reply Amy Sundberg
  
  You know, as I was writing this essay, I was wondering how much of being a people pleaser is innate in personality vs. how much is learned behavior. I don’t really know the answer, although I can say that for me personally a lot more of it is learned behavior than I realized (or maybe I should call it a defense mechanism like Marilag does above, because that kind of makes sense to me).
  
  Also I completely agree that recognizing what’s going on is a really important part of changing. Possibly the most important part. The fact is that I’m not going to succeed at stifling my people pleaser instincts every time they come up. But if I notice I’m doing it, I can think of strategies for doing better next time or sometimes even punt the problem for later (instead of saying “Yes” when I want to say no, I can say I have to check or I have to think about it, and then wait till I’m feeling stronger).
  
  I have to say that being around people who aren’t invested in me being a people pleaser really helps too. It makes everything that much easier.
on April 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm | Reply Lori

I do believe in fate. And I do believe Danielle has “introduced” us at a couldn’t-be-any-more-perfect time.

I am, RIGHT NOW, trying to become less of a people pleaser and more of a Lori pleaser. I’m trying to let go of those “unhealthy” and negative relationships and seek out the positive, encouraging ones.

I’m having a hard time figuring out how to make decisions based on what I want, not what someone has told me to do. HARD, life-changing decisions… that need to be made soon. It’s so hard. These tips and words you wrote will be helping me more than you can imagine. Or maybe you can since it sounds like we’re both trying to do more for ourselves. 😉
- on April 21, 2011 at 10:45 am | Reply Amy Sundberg
  
  I’m so glad this may be helpful for you! (And Danielle often has uncanny wisdom.)
  
  And yes, I’m right with you. It’s very, very hard. Having a time crunch makes it even harder. But I’m confident that it’s possible to get through it!
on April 21, 2011 at 10:20 am | Reply What It Means to be a People Pleaser « The Practical Free Spirit

[…] « The Stories of Our Lives How to Become More Assertive […]
on September 3, 2011 at 5:55 am | Reply Player87

Great article on how to become assertive. Essentially, being assertive means being confident and comfortable in your own skin. Once you become confident, assertiveness just comes naturally.

Great tips on how to become assertive.

Props!
on November 6, 2011 at 11:18 pm | Reply Jeriea Smith

Thanks for your thoughtful insights. I very much agree, as i said to Andrew, that its a learned skill. And with low self esteem the problem is recognising that you are not responsible for others actions or emotions, true friends will respect you if you state your point of view. Someone who has been taking advantage of your passivity may be a bit shocked and put out!
- on November 7, 2011 at 11:50 am | Reply Amy Sundberg
  
  Yes indeed! We are NOT responsible for others’ actions or emotions, but it can be hard to recognize this fact. Even after we recognize it, there are subtle and insidious ways we can mask what’s going on to ourselves. Tricky, tricky.
on November 27, 2012 at 8:34 am | Reply What Change Looks Like « The Practical Free Spirit

[…] however-many-months-it-takes. Interestingly, I’ve written an article for this blog entitled “How to Become More Assertive,” but upon re-reading it, I’m not finding it super helpful, so obviously I need to write a new […]

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