In the wake of the sexual harassment at Readercon that is being discussed all over the internet, (and there is a petition you can sign if you wish to object to the Board’s handling of the case), I’ve been thinking a lot about sexual harassment. I’ve written about it a bit before, and I want to call up one of the comments that old post received, from Cyndi:
“As another post said, life isn’t fair. Get over it. Live your life, your way, and stop looking for ways to claim you’ve been oppressed/denied/overlooked. We all have been, in one way or another.”
What, you may ask, did I say in the post to elicit such a response? Was I whining or crying or talking about how unfair life is? Um, no. I wrote a calm and reasoned essay talking about what it meant to me to be a feminist, and bringing up, among other points, the existence of sexual harassment that women experience in their professional lives. Which, apparently, we are all supposed to just get over.
In fact, we’re not even allowed to talk about sexual harassment without being dismissed or being told that we’re looking for “special” treatment. Because apparently having one’s sexual and physical boundaries be repeatedly violated is par for the course, and we should lie down and take it without a murmur.
And then we wonder why feminists are sometimes angry.
Genevieve Valentine was incredibly brave, both in reporting the harassing incidents to the Readercon board and in publicizing what was happening. Both of these actions are ones that many women will choose not to do, for many reasons. Because we don’t want to be any trouble or cause a fuss. Because it is embarrassing. Because we might not be taken seriously or be believed. Because it might have future repercussions to our careers or to our very safety. Because we don’t want more confrontation with the person who has harassed us. Because we don’t want it to have happened.
But it IS happening. And it is not expecting special treatment or playing the victim card to bring it up, to talk about it, to ask that one’s basic expectations of safety while attending a convention be met. Not only was Genevieve Valentine harassed, but the same man who harassed her had previously harassed another woman to the point where she no longer felt comfortable volunteering. There was the infamous series of incidents at World Fantasy in 2011. I myself had an uncomfortable incident occur at Worldcon in Reno last year, which–guess what?–I did not report. And that is not the first such incident I’ve personally experienced in the field, either.
I firmly believe that this is not a problem for only the people who are harassed, but rather a problem that faces our entire community. And on a larger scale, a problem that faces our society. Because when we look the other way, when we say that this behavior isn’t so bad, then we are perpetuating the problem. When someone says, “Oh, but this has never happened to me,” that person is saying that because they haven’t experienced something personally, that means–what? That it’s never happened? That it’s not really a problem? That they don’t want to be bothered with dealing with something they aren’t forced to deal with?
Unfortunately, some of us don’t have a choice as to whether we’re going to deal with harassment.
Another quote from that old post of mine, this one from Jessica:
“Life isn’t fair, period. Only we can decide how to navigate through it & when we say we believe in equality perhaps we should consider what that word really means because it takes countless selfless acts & the removal of one’s own selfish needs to see what’s truly needed for a greater good.”
It sounds like she is saying that sexism in the workplace is needed for the greater good, and objecting to sexism and harassment is therefore selfish. And I’m sorry, I generally try to be respectful, but that is one of the stupidest ideas I have ever heard. It is not selfish to not want to be treated badly. It is not selfish to want to feel physically safe while working, whether at an office or at a convention. It is not selfish to want to feel physically safe period. It is not necessary for women to be selfless and allow men to paw them and make sexual jokes at the woman’s expense. Please. Next thing I’ll be hearing is that it’s selfish for a woman to not want to be raped…especially if she is wearing a low-cut top and a short skirt. Oh, wait. People say that kind of stupid thing, too.
Talking about the problem is the first step. I don’t know what the next steps look like. But I know that saying “get over it” isn’t one of them.
I’d love to hear from you: your experiences (at the workplace or not, as a writer or not, from any gender because I’m very aware that it’s not just women who get harassed), your thoughts about sexual harassment and the Readercon debacle in particular, etc. I am going to be wielding a particularly hefty mallet in the comments section for this post, because I want this to be a safe place for discussion of a difficult issue.
The Practical Free Spirit 
There are few things in this world I hate. Sexism is one of those few. It saddens me that sexual harassment shows up as often in the sf/f community as it does.
Me too. I never had problems with this kind of thing as a music teacher, which I am really grateful about.
[…] Amy Sundberg: “Sexual Harassment: Not Something to Just ‘Get Over’” […]
As someone who has been sexually harassed and also experienced that sexist glass ceiling in the workplace, I wholeheartedly applause this post and thank you for writing it.
A club I participated in in high school had a parent volunteer, an older man, who thought it was okay to pinch us girls, hug us, rub and nuzzle our arms and back, etc. Wholly and entirely inappropriate. When I look back on it now, I just cringe. The sick thing was, this man was given a pass because he’d been involved in the organization for so many years, and had devoted so much of his time and he was “such a nice man”. On one occasion, I found myself alone in an equipment room with him. He pinched my butt and I backhanded him across his face. Mind you, I was maybe 15 and he was a large man, probably late 40s, early 50s. When I hit him, he laughed at me. After speaking with some of the other girls, who had had similar experiences, several of us complained to the director of our club, who was a teacher at the school. He considered our concerns, and talked to the man. The man’s response? “There’s nothing wrong with this. This is how I treat my daughters. I think of these girls as my daughters.” Again, I cringe. The director of the club decided that the adult volunteer could stay, because he was such an asset to the organization. We girls were shocked. But then again, the director himself was a “touchy, feely” guy. Not to the same degree, but my guess is, in today’s standards, he’d not be allowed to interact with students the way he did then. All of it makes me sick. I think back to how I felt then, fifteen and powerless. I think of what we should have done. How we should have gotten our parents involved (though most of them also were wrapped in a veil of denial), how we should have taken this to the administration.
I experienced another situation as a student working for a charismatic professor in a university department. He would make questionable statements, passing them off with a brilliant smile. For example, if he needed an errand run, he’d say, “Amy, I need your legs.” It wasn’t as overt as the dirty old man in high school, but the comments made me uncomfortable. But I needed the job, so I kept my mouth shut.
And then there’s the glass ceiling of sexism in the workplace. I had the schooling and experience to do the same work as my male colleagues in one particular job, and my supervisor asked to perform the same duties as my male colleagues. After doing the job well for a time, I asked for a raise. My supervisor told me no, because the other ladies in the office would be jealous if I made more than them. It didn’t matter that I had a completely different job description. It only mattered that I was female, and as such would have to stay at the current pay scale. In other words, do the work but not receive adequate compensation because of my sex. I resigned for a position with a different company that did pay me what I was worth, and didn’t hold my gender against me.
Reading about the situation at Readercon reminded me of my own experiences, and filled me with a slew of ugly feelings. Shame. Anger. Regret.
Get over it? Hmm. While I have moved on with my life and I’m certainly more aware of my interactions with others, I don’t know that I’ve ever really gotten over it. Those yucky feelings are still there. I think because in the situations where I was sexually harassed I was in a place of powerlessness (being young and naive in high school, and then needing to keep the job in college), I’ll always have those feelings of shame and anger and regret. I really wish those situations hadn’t happened. I really wish I’d stood up for myself. Maybe if I had, I’d be able to get over it.
I think the only response in the face of sexual harassment and sexism is standing up to it, calling it out and refusing to be treated in that manner. Exactly as Ms. Valentine did at Readercon. That is empowering. That is how change comes about. Yes, it’s ugly and messy, but it might just spare another woman (or man) having to endure such a degrading experience.
Oh man, Amy. I’m so sorry those things happened to you. Such inappropriate and creepy behavior. And that glass ceiling story? Ugh. Just ugh.
The way “getting over it” was used in this context was that the subject wasn’t even worth discussion. Also, I think it’s hard to “get over” something when it keeps happening. For example, how do you get over a break up? By stopping seeing the other person. But it’s harder to get over sexual harassment, because often it keeps happening as opposed to being an isolated incident, and it is something I have to be aware of in order to keep myself safe.
I completely agree that speaking up can be very empowering, as well as a way to begin a process of change.
Compare the way people talk about other tough events “life” dishes out: if you get sick at a restaurant, it’s considered reasonable to ask if it had something to do with the food preparation, rather than blaming the diner’s sensitive constitution. If hotel rooms are burgled, the hotel will have to answer some questions about security. Etc., etc. Sexual harassment doesn’t get nearly the same attention focused on the perpetrator in order to effect change.
Completely agree. Instead it becomes the target’s fault and responsibility, as has been demonstrated in this most recent conversation. This fact makes me very angry.
On a related note, all this talk of, “But then how can we flirt?” is merely derailing the conversation. If one can’t flirt without harassing, then perhaps one should stop flirting.
Great post.
Men need to realize that it’s not okay to treat women in this way. The only way they’ll realize it is if there are consequences for their actions. Like you say, “Because when we look the other way, when we say that this behavior isn’t so bad, then we are perpetuating the problem.”
Paul
Yes, consequences discourage certain behavior. Giving people a pass encourages certain behavior. The Readercon Board’s decision is sending the message (whether intentional or not) to others that it is okay to harass women at their convention…at least if you’re important enough.
I’ve been involved in a couple of harassment cases, and have two opinions to share: first, I think only the victim has the right to decide whether or not they are being harassed. Third parties need to respect what the victim has to say, not be dismissive (or overly sensitive).
Second, the victim should respond, immediately. (This relies on them feeling that my first point is true, of course.) I think Ms. Valentine’s reaction was perfectly appropriate, especially since it has inspired a great deal of discussion about this topic. I would have even liked to see her report it even more quickly – while at the con, so the organizers could do something about it right then.
I really admire how Genevieve handled this situation. I think this adds to my distress, actually, because she handled it SO WELL, exactly as I would have wished to do it myself, and yet the results are so much less than I would have hoped. I’m not confident I could handle it as well, so … where does that leave me exactly? Hopefully I am underestimating my own abilities.
I do think that Readercon dropped the ball here. Why not say ‘you’re not welcome here ever’ and stick with it? What’s the trouble? Even if this guy was Big Name Number Four, I still don’t see the problem. There’s no such thing as the Essential Man, no matter how influential they might seem.
I guess the trouble here is that harassment is a black and white issue, but social interaction is a very complex arena. Since our society teaches men that we’re the ones who make the first move, we have to make a lot of first moves if we ever hope to find someone. That said, it’s even more important that we recognize when the woman isn’t interested. Generally, for most of us, ‘No thanks’ does the trick.
But men run the gamut, from the socially awkward who have no idea what No means, to the socially aggressive for whom No means Ask Again Later. It’s these guys that need the education, so the hue and cry over incidents like this need big spotlights on them.
One point that I’m a little baffled by though is: Why wouldn’t a woman feeling harassed find a friend or three to stand in her defense? It’s not even a ‘beat up that guy’ thing. Just ‘Hey, this guy is pestering me, would you mind sticking near me for a while?’
Technically, con security should be the ones to handle this kind of thing. You should be able to go to them and have the issue handled. But, since that’s not happening, I fear it’ll fall on friends to band together against this crap. Is that a big problem? I’m probably being simplistic. I just know that if a friend comes to me and says ‘Help’ I’m bloody well helping.
I do recognize that men are often expected to make the first move, but having been the recipient of many such first moves, I am able to definitively say that there is a very distinct difference between a first move and sexual harassment. And honestly, if there is any doubt which is happening, a first move might simply not be appropriate.
As for the friends thing: I have been harassed by a stranger while standing with a group of friends. No one did anything. No one supported me, no one asked the man to stop, no one gave me an easy exit. I have also been harassed in longer-lasting situations in which no one else seemed to notice or feel the behavior was inappropriate, even though it very much was. Sure, I didn’t communicate loudly or effectively about these things to others at the time, for various reasons not unlike some of the ones I listed above. But sometimes friends, supportive or not, are simply not enough.
That’s true, if there’s any doubt, then a first move is inappropriate. That’s the part of the equation that relies on a judgement call in the perpetrator’s head, which is, unfortunately, rarely a roadblock. If it were, then this sort of thing wouldn’t crop up so often.
As for friends: What the hell? Seriously?
I can see them not saying anything if they’re unsure of the situation. In that regard, SAY SOMETHING! Just anything! At one convention I helped run, some of the guests of honor had a signal (scratching their right eyebrow). That meant ‘Get this fanboy off me’. Maybe work out something of the sort ahead of time so you don’t have to directly confront the guy but can still phone in backup. And, of course, texting is a strong possibility these days too.
But, more than that, friends need to backup friends! I’m rather stunned that they did nothing at all if it was that obvious. Let me tell you, if I know someone wants out of a situation, I’ll get them out. I know most folks aren’t as comfortable with confrontations as I am, but it isn’t even a matter of ‘You leave her alone’ as ‘Hey, Amy, come with me. Sorry, pal, private conversation.’ Anyone can accomplish that.
You said above that talking about the problem is the first step. Yes! You said that you’re not sure what the next steps are. I believe it’s: Keep talking about it, and have a plan. Find out who’s going and work out some way to summon help when needed. If you’re going to an event solo, check with the event organizers for their policy and their own plan. I know that this Readercon thing rather shakes the trust of convention authorities, but the only other option is to never go solo. Or, rather, don’t go solo to any venue that doesn’t have a policy in place or a untrustworthy venue, which is what Readercon has show itself to be.
Does all that sound reasonable and workable?
I truly appreciate your desire to help me improve my own personal situation. But I want to get this discussion back on track.
When I said I don’t know what the next step is, I meant the next step for us in the SF/F world, as a community, in order to create lasting and systemic change. The fact that anything I said in this post is at all controversial is absurd. The fact that we are still having to explain that this behavior is inappropriate is absurd. The fact that perpetrators are still getting a pass for their actions, for whatever reason, is absurd. These attitudes towards harassment, and frankly, towards *women,* are what need to change.
In the meantime, obviously, I will have to continue to be concerned and alert to my own personal safety, and I agree with you that having a plan should something untoward happen is a fabulous idea. Especially since I often do attend cons solo (including my recent attendance at Readercon).
I completely agree. There’s nothing controversial about your post at all. It is perfectly reasonable for anyone to attend a con and feel perfectly safe at all times.
My notion of ‘have a plan’ isn’t for just you. Everyone should have a plan. When you get to the hotel, do you know where the fire exits are? If not, why not? Same thing here, really. And friends need to be willing to back each other up. That’s the vital point. It only works if we all help.
I honestly think that’s where the systemic change begins. With us, individually, being willing to stand up against this problem and not let it slide.
I suggest not letting the matter drop. Keep pressure on Readercon and any venue that doesn’t punish inappropriate behavior. If they can’t or won’t develop a policy they’ll stick to, then we should not attend.
In this specific instance, having read the complaint and the Readercon response, I agree that the possibility of reform should be accounted for, but that was not their policy at the time. If they want to change the policy now, fine, but it should not apply retroactively.
Going forward, cons should have a better response time. A twitter account that’s constantly monitored, perhaps. Or a number you can text. Or a security presence at every venue. At the very least on every floor.
Ultimately, though, a systemic change to a culture has to start with the individuals participating in the culture. Thus, you, me, and everyone reading this, has to be willing to speak up and not be silent.
If I’m running a con and turn a deaf ear to an issue like this, I’m contributing to the problem. If someone is being harassed in my presence and I turn a blind eye, I’m contributing to the problem. If I’m being harassed and I say nothing to the harasser, or at the very least to security, then I’m contributing to the problem.
The zero-tolerance policy starts with each of us individually. That’s how we get bring about a change.
I gotta agree with EF here. Change comes because of awareness; if people aren’t aware of the issue (as I wasn’t until this Readercon thing came up) then they can’t do anything about it. That means that people who are being harassed need to speak up, every time, and say something – starting with, “excuse me, but that comment you just made? that’s inappropriate” and escalating to “hey, friend whom I trust, this person is harassing me, can you come with me while I go tell everyone that will listen”.
The thing that kills me about the situation at Readercon (and so many other situations) is that it doesn’t really matter if the perpetrator was actually harassing or not. What matters is if the victim *feels* harassed.
Now, I’m the first person to say that people should take responsibility for their own feelings, judge things impartially and not from a knee-jerk emotional reaction, etc., etc. but if someone feels harassed? Then they’ve been harassed, no matter what the intention was.
No one should get a free pass just because they say “I didn’t mean it”. What they should get, on a first offense, is a stern warning, and on the second offense they should be ejected from the environment. Done.
I hear you both, and I do think you’re making valid points. But I also wonder if you’re underestimating the extreme difficulty of speaking up in many circumstances. I mean, yes, I’ve decided that I am going to do my best to do better about this myself (and in many ways this feeds very nicely into my on-going Backbone Project). But there are often a lot of consequences for speaking up, and there is currently a lot of pressure put to bear to NOT speak up. Readercon’s response in this particular case illustrates this clearly.
Yes, if everyone who was harassed spoke and complained, that might help. But I think we also have to think about the culture we’re creating, and help change that culture to one in which people are supported in speaking up and feel safer doing so. Otherwise, I can’t feel comfortable supporting an “always speak up” policy because, I mean, it’s hard to do and sometimes has the potential for making the circumstances even worse than they already are (or at least, that’s the way it FEELS at the time).
I mean really, right now I’m reading all kinds of reaction of the “you’re overreacting,” “you’re ruining Readercon for the rest of us who weren’t involved in any way,” “the guy said he was sorry/is actually a nice guy/doesn’t deserve to be burned at the stake/blah blah blah” variety. These reactions are not helpful for showing women that speaking out is a good idea. There’s an entire systemization of blaming and shaming of the one who was harassed that often goes on in cases like these, and that needs to be addressed too.
I mean, think about it. If Genevieve hadn’t reported the incident, then she’d be going on with her every-day life, and she wouldn’t necessarily have to be thinking about this all the time, answering personal attacks, being told that her harasser’s possible redemption is more important than her personal safety, etc. It’s tempting to not say anything so one doesn’t become swamped with the inevitable shaming and blaming. I deeply admire Genevieve for reporting the incident, and I think because of her report the entire community has been able to engage in what will hopefully be a fruitful and productive conversation about the problem. But I couldn’t fault her if she’d decided not to do so, given how unpleasant existing in the middle of this three-ring circus might be. And why is it a three-ring circus to begin with? Because the Board did not take their own policies seriously and therefore declared an internet open season, and because some people still think this harassing behavior is just fine and are super eager to make all kinds of excuses for it.
And this doesn’t even begin to cover the complex emotional responses someone might feel if they are being harassed by someone in a position of power (perceived or real) over them.
I probably am underestimating things. Jen pointed that out to me earlier when she asked how often I’d ever felt physically or socially intimidated. It’s true that it’s impossible for me to completely empathize. 😦 About the best I can do is the best I can do.
Readercon’s decision to bend the rules for this guy was a betrayal of trust, and one they’re getting hammered for. There are the apologists, but I bet they get a substantial drop in attendance next year.
I admire her for speaking out for it too. I’ll note that along with the apologists and harassers there are plenty of folks standing by her side, shouting down the detractors and giving Readercon the bashing it deserves. Change is painful and difficult, and she’s right in the middle of it. For what it’s worth, she’s got my full support, as I’m sure she has yours, and the same from most other people reading this blog.
That said, I recognize that not everyone can be or wants to be Rosa Parks. I really think having a covert way to call for help is a good idea. A text message is about the best way to go, assuming you’ve got some friends available in the vicinity. That sort of thing needs to be prearranged. If such a thing isn’t available, or the con isn’t to be trusted, then I honestly don’t know what else to do other than simply not attend.
For my part, I plan to look into this BackupProject. And I’d like to see organizations like SFWA put con organizers to the question of how they plan to prevent these issues. Too often con security just can’t be relied on. Also, I’d encourage everyone in the community to safeguard the rights and reputations of the victims. If there’s bashing, point it out. Forum mods hold most of the power here.
And, as ever, I’m open to more suggestions. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I’m keen to help work for the kind of community we all deserve.
Eric, I think you\’re also underestimating the extent to which there are often real consequences to women as a result of speaking up about harassment. Saying something to the harasser often results in an angry response, and (infrequently, but it doesn\’t have to happen often for it to be a scary risk) sometimes even a violent one. I\’ve been called names, shouted at, and once followed home while a guy kept up a steady stream of alternately calling me a bitch and graphically describing sexual acts he wanted to perform on me,all for the crime of ignoring or refusing advances from strangers. And it\’s not like we have any way of knowing in advance whether the person in question is unaware their comments are inappropriate, or if they\’re likely to blow up if told so.
There\’s no promise that anyone will back us up if we do say something, either – especially if the person gets mad, because people\’s desire not-to-be-involved goes into overdrive if that happens. I hope (and believe) that my friends would back me up if someone was harassing me and I spoke up, but I can hardly spend all my time in public (or even just at cons) on the buddy system.
Reporting incidents to the relevant authorities (or even just telling people about them) carries its own consequences, too – anything from people minimizing or dismissing what happened, to insulting or belittling the person reporting it, to labeling them as a \’troublemaker\’, which, especially in a small community like sf is, can have further social consequences.
In short, speaking out is often not just a scary thing, but one that\’s legitimately risky. A lot of women end up making the calculation that it\’s not worth the risk (I have myself, countless times), and I can\’t blame them for it in the slightest.
That said, I appreciate that you\’re taking the time to try to understand 🙂
Thank you, Lisa, for explaining so eloquently what I was having trouble expressing. I completely agree; it’s not just scary but carries non-trivial risks of all kinds. Gaining a reputation as a “troublemaker,” for just one example, can mean losing out on all sorts of opportunities that can help develop a career. Also, I’ve said something before only to have the harassment continue with no change.
I agree that speaking up is a non-trivial thing, and it is not always easy to ask for help. Can we agree that it’s not always obvious when help is required? Obvious cases are easier to deal with. It’s the inobvious that intercessors need help identifying. And, sometimes (oftentimes!) the lady in question is perfectly capable of handling it herself, and may not want the escalation.
I’d like to point out that my intervention is non-trivial as well. Does that guy have a weapon? Is he a psychopath? Budding martial artist maybe? If I’m stepping in, my only legal nuclear option is calling the police. His is to slug me. I can hold my own against an untrained and unarmed opponent thanks to my size, but the best way to win a fight is to swing first. I cannot swing first without being the one going to jail. And, typically, everyone goes to jail while the cops sort it out. This is what runs through my mind when this kind of thing occurs. It runs through your minds as well, I’m sure, but who’s more likely to get slugged? The target of the perpetrators affections, or the guy standing in his way?
I admit physical confrontation is a lot less likely than a verbal one. But the risk is there. I’m willing to help anyway, even for strangers, because the only way I see to affect systemic change is to keep the problem in the light. Letting these creeps get away with it is the only way to keep it recurring.
I recognize that there are no magic bullets or catch-all solutions. You might be solo at the con. You might not want to cause a scene. It might be someplace like DefCon (linked below) which is decidedly unhelpful to female attendees. If you know the risks you’re taking, it makes it easier to plan for. And, I personally wouldn’t think less of anyone for letting something slide if they felt the risk of calling the harasser down wasn’t worth the trouble. Not every solution is good for all people everywhere. As I say, not everyone wants to be (or can be) Rosa Parks.
I just feel that the only way to change the environment is to actively work towards that goal, because the only person whose actions you can truly change is you. Reading through some of the threads Jason linked, I know that I’m not alone in that notion. My suggestion continues to be looking for solutions that work for you and developing plans that work for you.
Check it out! I found this over on Scalzi’s blog: http://www.backupproject.org/
This is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.
Interesting! Can’t wait to read it in more depth.
Another interesting thing!
http://singlevoice.net/2012/07/12/sexism-redyellow-cards-at-defcon/
Is “zero tolerance policy” supposed to mean “banned forever if violated”?
In this case, yes, that is how it was defined.
Personally I am not against policies that allow for more nuance. But I also believe that instituting a policy and then when it comes into play, saying, “Oh never mind, we didn’t mean it” is deeply unprofessional (false advertising, at the very least).
Other recent discussions around this topic can be found at:
http://adainitiative.org/
http://skepchick.org/
A good place to see the beginnings of the history of what has been going on in the Skeptical / Atheist communities would be here:
http://skepchick.org/2011/07/the-privilege-delusion/
And the beginnings of the harrowing follow up:
http://skepchick.org/2011/09/mom-dont-read-this/
The Skepchicks haven’t been perfect in their fight, but the toxicity and vitriol has been shocking. Even for the internet. And it began with the reasonable request, “Guys, don’t do that”.
More on what I’m talking about. This article is specific to videogame culture, but still has a good take on pushing things the other direction: http://www.forbes.com/sites/carolpinchefsky/2012/08/03/sexual-harassment-in-videogame-culture/
I know you published this article a few months ago, but really I did not think about sexual harassment until it happened to me. He was a good friend of mine at the place i volunteered that I had known since I was twelve. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much. In the last few months, I had noticed a change in qttitude towards me, but yesterday he attempted to hug me… Wrong. I did not know what to do at the time and simply protested it wit and tried to remove myself from the situation, but at home I could not stop crying and even now I am still so upset. Needless I say I did not tell my parents. Whether its out of worry at repercussions or embarrassment I don’t know. I just know I cannot say it. And now you are telling me that this happens all over, that this shame I am feeling at being violated happens to others and we are just supposed to lie down quietly and take it. Perhaps it is different in my case since he was a close friend, but I feel awful. Is tho te world I am going to leave to my children?
Oh Becca. I’m so sorry that happened to you. And it so completely was NOT your fault.
And no, we don’t have to lie down quietly and take it. The brave actions of Genevieve Valentine and other women like her are changing things…slowly, which is frustrating, but things CAN change.
Right now, though, I think the important thing is for you to get the support and safety you need. If you simply can’t tell your parents (if you can’t tell them verbally, perhaps you can write them a letter instead?), try to find someone else to talk to: a teacher, the parent of one of your friends, a school counselor, an adult involved in an extra curricular activity, etc. And in the meantime, do what you need to do to feel safe. This might mean avoiding being alone with your friend or avoiding him altogether while you decide what to do.
You taking care of yourself is the MOST important thing right now.
I was sexually harassed while working on the fire department. I was the only single female and I should have known better. I was in college when I decided that I wanted to become a firefighter. The men started to place bets to see who could sleep with me first. Then they called me names like a nice piece of ass and a fresh piece of meat. Later, as I kept refusing their advancements I was forced to kiss the men. One of the men forced me to kiss him several times then went around and bragged about it. My chief found out about the harassment but when the men found out that my chief found out they sent me death threats. I got one threat that said that I’m better off dead and another threat that said my death isn’t far enough away from them. As for the effects, I haven’t had a job since college and I am afraid to have a job because I don’t want it to happen again. I want to work but I’m afraid to work. I have nightmares every night and often cry myself to sleep. A lot of nights I can’t sleep. I’d rather be exhausted than wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares. I keep trying to just get over it but it seems that the more I try to just forget the memories just get worse. I wish the working world wasn’t like this but I know it is and I know that eventually I’ll need to get a job and just deal with the harassment and go along with it. The biggest mistake I made was becoming a firefighter. I just didn’t know that it sexual harassment is okay in the working world.
I don’t see how you could have known better, plus that seems to shift the responsibility onto your shoulders when it belongs squarely on the shoulders of those who were harassing you. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a traumatic experience, and I hope you can find a place to work that is much safer than what you’ve had to deal with in the past.