My husband was telling me about a friend of his who is a good listener. “But I think she’s the one who needs emotional support right now,” he told me.
So we are going to be revisiting a topic I’ve talked about before, problem comparing, because obviously one time was not enough.
Just because your friend has problems does not mean you can’t talk about your own problems. Even if your friend has really big problems. Keep the following in mind:
1. Your friend may have more times during which they can’t listen to you. If they’re fully in crisis mode, right in the middle of dealing with their problem, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional, they probably can’t be there for you right this minute. However, unless there’s a problem with codependence in your friendship (and if there is, that’s a whole separate issue), they will tell you if now isn’t a good time. And if it’s not a good time, that doesn’t mean there won’t be a better time in the future.
2. Your friend may not be able to track you as well. Meaning, they may not have the bandwidth to check up on you, make sure you’re doing okay, send you texts and invitations, and come to you to see if you need anything. That doesn’t mean that if you go to them, they won’t be able to listen.
3. Your friend might find it a welcome break to hear about someone else’s problems for a change. Distraction can be very helpful in certain circumstances. They might also feel better knowing they’ve been able to be supportive to a good friend.
The other aspect of this issue I’ve noticed lately is how invalidated some people feel when their problem isn’t the one getting the full spotlight. It’s as if there’s some kind of suffering quota that they’re afraid is going to be filled up before it’s their turn.
Let me help you out. Everyone suffers. Every single person. And everyone deserves compassion for the suffering they face. It doesn’t matter if your suffering is different than mine, or worse than mine, or not as bad as mine. You still deserve compassion because suffering is hard for everyone.
But when we use our own personal suffering as an excuse to shut down conversations about institutionalized suffering, we are becoming so caught up in our own heads that we are not showing compassion to others. I see this kind of thought process again and again in conversations about race, gender, class, and sexual orientation. Just because we are talking about these issues, just because there is lots of statistical evidence that institutionalized injustice exists, does not mean your own personal suffering does not also exist. But not every conversation has to be about you. Sometimes we need to talk about suffering that affects wide swathes of people, even though you are not one of those people.
Don’t worry. The suffering quota won’t be filled up any time soon.
The Practical Free Spirit 
This post has uncanny timing for me today. It’s true that sometimes others can’t be there for you because of what they’re dealing with and that it doesn’t mean they don’t still care. And vice versa. And when it IS vice versa, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for it – you’re dealing with a lot and if they’re a good friend, they get it.
Thanks for this post today, Amy.
You are most welcome. 🙂 I kind of feel like I should bookmark this post so I can remind myself of these important facts from time to time. Yes, my own post. Why can’t I remember all the important things all the time?