For most of my life, I have bent over backwards to avoid disappointing anyone.
This is classic behavior for the dedicated people pleaser. We hate saying no (even when we force ourselves to say it anyway). We want to make people happy, avoid conflict, and live up to any and all expectations placed on us, even if said expectations are completely insane. As a result, many of us turn into perfectionists, and we drive ourselves up the wall with anxiety trying to live up to an impossible ideal.
So now I practice disappointment. I give myself permission to disappoint someone else if I believe it is the right thing for me to do. After years of putting everyone in front of myself, I practice putting myself first. I ask myself what I feel comfortable with. I ask myself what I feel like doing. I ask myself how I want to be treated. And I try to make my decisions accordingly. Not in the spirit of being unkind or selfish, but in the spirit of finally giving myself control over my own life.
Sometimes practicing is difficult. I had someone make a request of me a month or so ago. It was something to which I had already responded no earlier in the year, and something which, if I agreed to it, would undoubtedly make me very unhappy. I said no again, and the person wrote back to tell me how disappointed they were, and how everything was going to be much more difficult for them now. I, of course, felt like melting into a puddle and wallowing in my failure as a human being.
Instead I made it into an exercise. I thought of all the other nice things I had done for this person over the last year. I reminded myself that I also have a right to be happy. I didn’t ignore, as I usually do, the fact that this person has a habit of asking me for things while not being particularly nice the rest of the time. I realized that disappointment isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things–I am often disappointed myself, and yet somehow I carry on, so the odds were good that this person would be just fine. And somewhere near the end of my thought process, I knew that just because a decision of mine had caused disappointment didn’t mean it was the wrong one.
So now I sometimes disappoint people. I don’t always give the “right” answer. I don’t always hide my own feelings. I still endeavor to be tactful and kind, but I’m able to stand firm when I need to. And even when I fail, I’m much more likely to recognize what’s going on. For those of you who have always been able to do this, it might not sound like much, but for me it’s like living in an entirely different world.
A world in which I’m finally allowed to be me.
The Practical Free Spirit 
Between Kindness and Honesty, one has to learn to balance. keep it up!
Yes, exactly! It’s tricky, especially when one is re-learning how to balance it. 🙂
Beautifully said! Something I struggle with as well~saying no and honoring myself. Thanks for posting. 🙂
It’s good to know there are other people out there working on the same things I am. 🙂
Wonderful article! I can relate to this a lot. It’s definitely something we need to keep in mind, being allowed to disappoint sometimes.
For me it’s kind of a revolutionary idea! I think it will take quite awhile before I’ve completely internalized it.
Great post! I struggle with that word – disappointment. I hate to see that LOOK, to read those words or hear the drop in tone when somebody is disappointed in me.
But I have to accept that the only person I don’t want to disappoint is myself and for everything else, I’ll have to deal with their disappointment.
The word “disappointment” is particularly charged for me too. The same general sentiments expressed differently don’t cause as strong a knee jerk reaction.
But yes, totally agreed that one has to work to not disappoint oneself first!
Nice post, as always.
Saying no to folks I don’t know, or don’t know well, isn’t difficult. It’s when I say it to friends, family, etc. That old fear of rejection and disappointing someone kicks in big time. But you’re right. The world doesn’t end, the person doesn’t die. A friend once gave me wonderful advice if I said no to someone and their reply was, “But I don’t understand.” His advice—say: “I’m not asking you to understand, I’m asking you to accept it.”
That is a great point. I definitely don’t have as much trouble saying no to strangers, or even distant acquaintances. I have a little bit of trouble, but nothing close to as much.
I love that advice. “I’m not asking you to understand, I’m asking you to accept it.” Yes. I typed it over again to help me remember.
Disappointing people is hard. Yesterday, I volunteered for Hay House event and I happened to be the gatekeeper preventing people from going past the VIP section unless they have a pass. That was painful. Some people had tried to get around me but I told them to get back. It’s painful because I hate hurting people’s feelings but I did my best to do my job.
Others still got around me which made me feel guilty–VIPs paid more. I started chanting Cheryl Richardson over and over (according to her talk Saturday Morning, there’s a chapter in her book–The Art of Extreme Self-Care–called “Let Me Disappoint You”). I was glad when it’s over since I didn’t have to disappoint people.
But you know, sometimes you have to disappoint people. If it is to honor you or to honor what you believe is right, you have to do it no matter how hard it is. Be honest with yourself and your preferences. In the long run, you’ll feel great for doing it.
Wow, that Cheryl Richardson book sounds very interesting! Kudos to you for holding strong and doing your best in spite of the pressure.
I notice that the person you disappointed demonstrated inappropriate behavior in response to your refusal. I also notice that Marilag Lubag, above, struggled with disappointing people who were attempting to get more than they paid for.
And so I wonder – can looking for ways someone is overstepping appropriate boundaries make it easier to disappoint them? A way of viewing their response not as suffering but as manipulation?
Obviously sometimes you have to disappoint someone who is totally reasonable in what they’re asking for, and who do not try to guilt trip you about it. That just sucks.
I was really struck by how your friend actually said they were disappointed in you. That feels like a terrible thing to say, when they asked you for a favor! It shows how much they feel entitled to your time and effort.
Excellent point, Courtney. Yes, I think that if your boundaries are being violated and/or someone is behaving in a manipulative way, and you can recognize that fact, then it does become easier to say no. For me, I think the challenge is to trust myself when I feel that someone is behaving inappropriately so that I can actually believe manipulation is at work instead of falling into self-blame.
[…] a massive life re-haul and personality shift this year. I have written a fair amount about being a people pleaser, developing a backbone, and being a perfectionist because these were things that were on my mind. I […]