Well, I’m home from WorldCon, at which I got to spend time with old friends and make new ones. And now I’m exhausted and sick and all I really want to do is take a nap, watch some Desperate Housewives, and read Zelazny. So this essay is going to be short and to-the-point.
Robert Barnes shared this quotation by Mohandas Gandhi on Google+ the other day:
A “No” uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a “Yes” merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
I have spent most of my life trying to avoid trouble. Sometimes I have done this by saying yes when I don’t mean it; sometimes I have done it by saying no to myself. Sometimes I do both at the same time. I think this idea cuts to the core of what it means to be a people pleaser. We want to please people, yes, but even more we want to avoid trouble, or conflict, or rocking the boat. Even when we might be willing to say “No” on behalf of others, we’re not necessarily willing to do the same for ourselves.
What I am coming to realize is that conflict isn’t always inherently bad, even on an interpersonal level. It can bring about much-needed change; it can allow us to finally find our voices. It can open up channels of communication, help us discover and create new opportunities, and allow us to stand up for ourselves when we’re being treated poorly.
Granted, I usually find conflict to be very taxing and stressful. But my negative experience of conflict doesn’t mean it’s not necessary or important. In fact, in my experience, the important things in life are usually difficult at least some of the time.
So nowadays, I am trying to remember to ask myself this question: am I doing something because I want to avoid causing trouble, or am I doing something because I truly believe it is the right thing to do?
Now Fudge is a troublemaker worthy of emulation.
In elementary school, there were the good kids and the troublemakers. I was always one of the good kids. I got my name put up on the board one time in second grade, and I thought I was going to die. I followed every rule as best as I was able. I did all my homework. I raised my hand before I spoke.
Who knew that one day I would be doing my best to join the troublemakers?
I had you pegged as a troublemaker from the start at Taos. Water balloons at 1am, spitballs in class, the avalanche… Yep. Trouble!
Darn! I’m still trying to figure out what blew my cover… 😉
Wow, this cuts close to home. I am very much like you regarding conflict. Don’t like it, do what I can to avoid it, back down or disappear very quickly.
Like you, I’m working on it. Years ago a therapist bestowed upon me a revelation: when you’re angry, you don’t have to shout. Blew my mind. I was raised in a home where disagreements involved yelling, cursing, slamming doors and histrionics such as threatening suicide. Any wonder I don’t want any conflict?
It’s hard to shake old conditioning, but your post reminds me it’s my job to stay aware instead of slipping into old habits. No one dies if I say “No” or speak up for myself.
Thanks for another great post, Amy!
You are most welcome, Jeff!
Old habits are extremely hard to break. I know I only catch myself part of the time. Happily my husband sometimes sanity checks for me as well. 🙂
And in the meantime, I keep reminding myself that the world doesn’t end when I disagree or say no.
“am I doing something because I want to avoid causing trouble, or am I doing something because I truly believe it is the right thing to do?”
Brilliant.
I almost feel like I should tattoo that on the inside of one of my arms to make sure I remember. 🙂
[…] Amy Sundberg recently wrote the post, Becoming a Troublemaker. […]
That’s what we call “recovering students”. “Troublemakers” tend to have more fun. I’m not talking about jail breaking type but the type that follow their bliss. If I had learned then what I learned now, I’ll probably be a “troublemaker”, too. I have my moments of becoming a troublemaker but as of right now, I feel that I should follow my bliss. 🙂
Ha, recovering students! That’s great.
I’d rather follow my bliss as well.
I think the good or bad of troublemaking is very much what kind of trouble and why you are making it. Adults making honest conflict is much different than a kid in school misbehaving because he’s bored.
I was definitely one of the good kids in school too. Nowadays…I stand on confusing ground. I’m a mix of strong opinions and beliefs (many of them not typically held together, albiet not actually contradictory) with a sense of pragmatic tolerance and compromise. But I’m still not good about saying “no” forcefully or as often as I should, though I am better at applied no’s. I’ve never been a confrontation person by nature.
Over the weekend at the gaming store, a certain person was there who for various reasons I would like to never see or speak to again. He asks me a question on a couple occasions; I try to ignore him and eventually blow him off with a curt “no”. Years ago, I might’ve just simmered about him while dealing with him; however, my attempts to ignore him and hope he gets the hint are a poor way to deal with it and I should’ve just taken him aside and bluntly told him how I feel. Much more direct and definitive.
I was raised not only to be a good kid who didn’t get in trouble, but also that the way of dealing with people you don’t like was to ignore them and eventually they’d go away. In particular, this was how I grew up dealing with people who would pick on me (which happened alot): if I don’t give them a reaction, eventually they get bored and stop picking on me. Being direct and standing up for myself would prove they were getting under my skin. I’m still working to grow myself out of that and be more direct and confrontational and I think that mindset is the bigger problem that avoiding any teacher’s wrath.
It can be so difficult to be direct and stand up for oneself. I was raised to be extremely polite, and unfortunately politeness and directness are often in opposition to each other. It’s so easy to fall back onto my lifetime training of politeness above all else, but strangely, even politeness can lead to some excessively awkward situations.