I’ve been following a conversation on one of the forums I belong to about what works when blogging. You know, the type of discussion in which we talk about what engages the reader and what might increase a blog’s audience, while sharing do and do not tips and all the normal considerations of blogginess.
The estimable Ferrett shared a link on his post on how to get comments. There is much good advice to be had in this essay and the one about blogging that precedes it, but there was one sentence that particularly stood out for me. Ferrett says, “If you’re a conciliatory person by nature, writing a pleasant essay that excuses whatever it is that bugs you with a “But I guess that’s how people are” will not get comments either, because you’ll be so wishy-washy that nobody will be able to disagree with you.”
This sentence popped out at me because I had an instant “ouch” moment of recognition. Yeah. I went through the “Oh no, I probably do that” period to the “Oh God, I hate it when people are wishy-washy” phase to the “I need to stop doing that” realization. It was fun like having a root canal done is fun (and wow, do I now know a whole lot about that). And thus the idea of my newest project was born.
The fact is, I want to be a nice person. And I want you to like me. I don’t even know who you all are, but that doesn’t matter; I just de facto want you to like me. Which I hope you can see can be a bit crazy-making. I enjoy smoothing things over, keeping things calm, following the rules, being reasonable and fair-minded, and not stirring up the pot. Being a people pleaser is, in a way, very reassuring. It allows me to feel that I have some control over life. Never mind that I know intellectually that I have about as much control over my life as I do over the U.S. government (I vote, so there’s my tiny little sliver of control right there).
Unfortunately, there is such a thing as too nice, and sometimes I have trouble finding that line. Plus I definitely do not want to be wishy-washy (the horror!). Hence the project. I am going to write THREE blog posts that are not conciliatory. Well, at least I’m going to try very hard, and you can tell me how I’m doing. I’m planning to publish all three in a row if possible, but in any event I will publish them all in a timely manner. (Really I want to write only one, and then see how it goes, and then maybe write another one if it wasn’t so bad. Talk about wishy-washy! So that’s why I’m committing up front to three.)
I’m depending on you, my readers, to help me make this project a success. Here are some ways you can get involved:
- If you are also a people pleaser and a blogger, you can make your own commitment of writing x number of non-conciliatory posts. I will cheer you on, and we can provide moral support for each other!
- You can tell me how I’m doing and call me out if I’m being too nice in spite of myself. I’m so used to doing it, I’m pretty sure I’ll do it sometimes without even realizing it. So I need your eyes.
- You can function as a part of my own elite cheerleading squad, telling me how great it is that I’m saying things people could disagree with.
- You can disagree with me. In public. Especially if you are a people pleaser too, but really no matter who you are. (Just no trolling. Trolling is not cool and will not advance the cause.)
Right. First post should come out on Thursday. Wish me luck, and feel free to share any last-minute tips (believe me, I’m going to need them).
Good luck, Amy! I’m a huge people pleaser too and I’ve found it carries over to my blog, unfortunately. I think this is a fantastic idea and am looking forward to seeing what you write!!! I may take a stab at it myself when I get back from vacation in a few weeks!
Good luck! *waves pom poms*
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I am already girding my loins for the first essay.
Let me know if you do decide to do it post-vacation so I make sure to come over and cheer for you! 🙂
What a great idea. I don’t know if my posts have been ‘conciliatory’ or not. I know I’m not actively confrontational, although I have gotten into some heated discussions on twitter, so perhaps those topics would be good to broach on my blog, fanfiction vs original fiction, crossing genres, etc. I accept! I normally post on Wednesday, so I shall endeavor to have such a piece ready tomorrow. (Ugh, Grandma and Mom are visiting, I’m going to have trouble getting anything GOOD up tomorrow. Oh well, I CAN DO IT!!)
Excellent! And what a great way to come up with topics, too. 🙂 Can’t wait to read whatever you come up with!
For what it is worth, you have never come across as wishy-washy to me.
However, I think the best way to grow is to challenge yourself and I think you’ve picked an excellent challenge. I’m still working through some fear, but I may pick up this particular gauntlet. I’ve been following the same forum discussion that you have. I wrote my own post about it and scheduled it to go live first thing tomorrow morning. I was going to make it live this morning, but then got distracted by another issue. Perhaps I can claim that as my first brave post, cause it was pretty scary to address.
Best of luck! I look forward to reading what you write.
Well, I’m glad to hear that you haven’t noticed it. Maybe I’m only wishy-washy on the inside? In any case, I need the practice for sure.
I look forward to your post tomorrow!
Ferrett’s awesome, isn’t he?
I mirror the comments questioning that you’ve washed your wish too often, but if you think that’s a part of your personality that you’d like to eliminate, then have at it. To me, wishy-washy means always agreeing, even when you disagree. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you kowtow to anyone.
I’m looking forward to the posts! 🙂
Yes, I am now a Ferrett fan. 🙂
I don’t usually kowtow too much, it’s true. But I worry about what I say an awful lot, and I tend to smooth over and let things pass without disagreeing. Some of that can be good, but I think I do it more than I’d like.
Also, perhaps my being wishy-washy manifests more in things like what topics I ultimately choose to write about, which none of you know about. I guess we’ll see if there’s much difference between normal and challenge posts.
As I say, I look forward to it! 😀
Judging whether or not to voice disagreement is a skill. Sometimes you can get a good dialog going. Other times people just want a chance to soapbox, or they’re trolling, or nothing you say will convince them otherwise. Remaining silent in those cases shows superior judgement. I mean, why waste the time, right?
You’re only really kowtowing if you’re changing your mind based on who’s talking loudest or longest. I’ve seen you change your mind, but I doubt you’d change your opinions because of that.
It’s true. I try to keep an open mind, but my reaction to someone trying to convince merely based on length or volume is more likely to be boredom or frustration.
I like this call to arms!
Rule No. 4 is necessary, and also made me giggle.
I’ll be cheering you on! And hopefully disagreeing too 🙂
Hooray! I can’t wait to hear your differing opinions.
Great plan. I’ll see what I can do to help!
I suffer primarily from a related issue — I don’t care so much if people like me, but I worry about not seeming clever enough. It’s so bad sometimes I’ll rewrite a few sentences over and over, trying to make them ever more awesome. Eventually I give up and post, only to realize the next day that I’d edited myself into gibberish and probably looked 100x worse than if I’d thoughtlessly knocked something off.
Sigh.
(But even then, no one ever comments on my mismatched tenses and jumbled, repeated, or missing words.)
Looking forward to arguing with you. 😉
I’m right with you on the mismatched tenses. Tense drift is my nemesis.
Excellent! And yes, sometimes I worry about cleverness, although much more often I worry about whether I’m being interesting (it seems to me that these two things are similar).
Ha ha! Good luck!! I am a people pleaser too. But I also try to be honest. I don’t mind if someone disagrees with me, as long as we keep it civil. Perhaps not the entertainment value some people are searching for though?
That’s a good point. I don’t want to argue merely for entertainment value, and I agree with you that I like to keep it civil.
Hmm, does that mean I am ill-suited for the internet? 😉
Yes! I declared 2011 the Year of Chutzpah, and this fits right in with it! I will attempt to write one opinionated, non-conciliatory post a week.
Yay for amazing confluences! And what a great theme for the year. Maybe I will adopt it for myself.
Kudos on a great ongoing goal too. I can’t wait to read what you write.
Good luck! I can relate – I want everyone to like me too, no matter how ridiculous or impossible that goal is. 🙂 But I’m also very opinionated. I probably argue with myself a lot but others don’t see it. LOL
Ha! I’m constantly arguing opinions in my head … or to my husband. I’ve certainly gotten better about saying things in spite of my desire to be liked, but there is room for improvement!
I once disagreed with someone’s post. I was polite about it and careful with my wording in the comments. The blog owner banned me from future comments. Consequently, I don’t disagree anymore. If I don’t agree I won’t comment and move on to the next blog. Is that bad? lol
Wow! I guess it depends on what blog you’re reading, but I’d think someone who didn’t want any disagreement might just disable the comments on that post.
In any case, you have complete permission to disagree on my blog. If you are basically polite, I really don’t see what the problem is. Plus it generates interesting discussion!
Great post, Amy! (and thanks for the link to Ferrett’s list – I’d missed that on his journal, somehow). I feel your pain; I am also a people pleaser. I’ll try to write a few non-conciliatory posts, and I’ll definitely watch and cheer yours on as well. Good luck!
Thank you! I can’t wait to read your posts!
[…] Comments « The Backbone Project: Help Me Become Less Wishy-Washy […]
Good luck with being Nonconciliatory. It’s not easy since we don’t want to stand out too much.
Hmmm… not so sure about me being a people pleaser. Maybe I am but I haven’t recognized it in myself. Besides, I like it when someone disagrees with me. That’s actually fun. Mom tries to stop me from being too heated with anyone since it’s part of my nature to be argumentative.
I know, it’s very difficult! Especially because I generally really like to be reasonable and to consider other viewpoints.
I think it’s great if you’re not conflict adverse! It can be quite a strength in life to be able to stand firm and state your thoughts.
I enjoy smoothing things over, keeping things calm, following the rules, being reasonable and fair-minded, and not stirring up the pot. Being a people pleaser is, in a way, very reassuring. It allows me to feel that I have some control over life.
…oh. Yes. This describes nearly perfectly how I am, and how it feels. Thank you for that part alone, let alone the rest of the post.
You are most welcome. It’s nice to know there are other people out there who share the same kinds of experience.
Well. I just spent awhile reading the Ferrett ‘s journal and I don’t really understand much of it. What I got mostly out of it was not to worry about getting an adverse reaction to your writing. I am not really in the loop of this type of writing but from time to time i try to just lay it on the line. I think I got more out of your post and it has inspired me to try to find something powerful to write about. If it happens to be people pleasing, so be it.
I think you’re right that in the end, the important thing is finding your voice and writing something that matters to you. Where I find the people pleasing behavior most limiting is when I allow it to keep me from saying what I want to say.
Oh, WOW, Amy, I SO identify with you on this! I am very conciliatory, it’s really important to me to be nice, caring, and compassionate, and I am scared of (get triggered by) conflict…and of being attacked. I also want to be liked, and I know what it’s like to be hated. (I’m an incest and ritual abuse survivor, and I know where these things come from–but I can’t always change them.) I can also be wishy washy–except when it’s something that’s core to me, or that I care about a lot. (Like when I posted on schools putting BMI and weight grades on report cards–I was very strong in my opinion that it’s harmful–though I did say I understood they might be trying to do it to get and keep kids healthy: http://wp.me/p1yz4O-RU )
Sometimes I’ve found myself avoiding blogging about something I have an opinion on, for fear of, well, being jumped on by people who have very passionate views that disagree with mine. Sometimes I’ve wanted to change that, post about the things I think some people will strongly, passionately disagree with me about–but I already make myself vulnerable by being very open about being an incest and ritual abuse-torture survivor, by having used self-harm to cope, and some of the other effects of trauma. Though there is also strength and community in that, too.
So…I really like your project; hurray for you! It can be scary to really stretch ourselves and go far outside our comfort zone. I think you’re doing something very positive.
Thank you!
I think sharing about your past experiences with incest and ritual abuse is an incredibly courageous thing to do…and also something that can help other people. That’s really my goal for this project–to not allow worries etc. to get in the way of me talking about the things I really care about, even if my views are unpopular. And to figure out ways to present ideas that foster discussion…
Thank you, Amy; I really appreciate your saying that! Sometimes it’s hard to speak out. It helps me to do it for other people, especially–to reach them. (I needed to know I wasn’t alone growing up, and i know other teens do, too, now.)
I really like the idea of not allowing worries to get in the way of talking about things you care about. It can be scary sometimes, or so hard…but usually worth it!
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