The first episode establishes the teenage protagonist of the series, Elena, who is starting a new year of high school only a few months after her parents were killed in a tragic accident. We see her getting ready in the morning, telling herself that she’ll no longer be “the sad girl”. And later on, she complains how everyone is asking her “How are you?” when really they don’t care and just want her to be fine. She spends the day lying because, of course, four months after losing her parents, she’s not fine. She’s pretty far away from fine.
A lot of that first episode was bad in a funny way (some of it, I suspect, on purpose). But I keep thinking about that moment of complete truth, because the writers completely nailed the “How are you?” detail. That simple question had the same effect on me. It took me quite awhile to accept its usage as a social nicety and standard greeting rather than the question it purports to be.
Offering this greeting to a grieving person is like jabbing a sore muscle to see if it still hurts…only it’s somebody else’s sore muscle being poked. It’s a reminder that no, you’re actually not doing fine at all, and not only that, but you are now expected to lie about it and pretend everything’s just peachy. That kind of pretending, unfortunately, takes energy, and energy is in fairly short supply when you feel like your chest is going to split open from missing the one you lost. In addition, it causes you to feel like you should be as together as you’re claiming. After awhile, you learn to dread the question.
Another variant of the problem is the person who asks you how you are constantly, like you’re going to explode into a million pieces any second now. (Or, as shown during the episode, the fake, over-concerned, and pitying rendition.) The true answer probably hasn’t changed in the last day or two, but sometimes it’s nice, even necessary, to take a break from the wellspring of grief for the comfort of normalcy. Overasking shatters any possibility of creating moments and experiences of relative peace.
So should we avoid saying “How are you?” altogether? I don’t think so, but wouldn’t it be interesting if we began meaning it as a question again, instead of allowing it to remain just a form? And perhaps thought more about appropriate times to ask it and how to listen in a nonjudgmental way? Then, instead of lying, a grieving person could honor their own difficult feelings and feel more supported by the outside world. Heck, I’m not grieving right now and I’d still like to be asked how I’m really doing. But many people never ask.
Here’s how I’m doing. I’m tired. I’ve been having a hard time this last several months. I’ve been under a lot of stress and in a fair amount of pain. Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed. But I’m also determined, and I’m completely in love with life. So I’m hanging in and appreciating the good things even more than usual, especially the people who I love (and the dog, I can’t forget her). And I’m looking forward to change.
How are you?
The Practical Free Spirit 
I have — for many years now — been treating the social nicety of “how are you?” as an actual question. I think it occasionally hits home to store clerks, etc. when you respond with “well, actually, my great aunt is in the hospital” or somesuch.
As an alternative, I use “how goes?” because that could refer to this moment and external events, rather than an internal condition and gives folks a chance to respond as such.
–Nancy
Yeah, I’ll often ask “How’s it going?” or “What’s up?” for more of an update type conversation. Really, of course, it’s all semantics. I think this sort of thing only bothers me when I don’t feel I have enough support or intimate relationships in my life. (That’s why it might be more prevalent for people who are grieving, because that’s a time when extra support is needed, whether they’re receiving it or not.)
I’m dirty and tired, thanks for asking! I totally understand the frustration with this. I almost never ask it in the sense of ‘tell me your deepest feelings’ I mean it in the sense of ‘what’s new?’ It’s good to tell me you have a headache or your allergies are bad, then fill me in on the dog or your Mom or whatever. I don’t usually ask how you are expecting you to tell me that your life is awful and you’re thinking of killing yourself, though if you did, we’d definitely chat longer than if you didn’t. I’d get curious and overprotective and stuff like that.
Whoa, did I watch the vampire diaries? I sound like a teenager. Sorry about that. I don’t often ask how are you unless it is someone I haven’t talked to in a long time, like a high school friend or cousin. My co-workers, I get specific. How was your weekend? Did your son win his soccer game, etc. How are you is the substitute for I haven’t kept up with you, and although I feel bad about that, give me the ten minute synopsis. 🙂
This doesn’t sound better, it sounds worse and worse. Am I a bad person?! I don’t think so. I think I just can’t keep up with as many people as I try to as well as I’d like to. I think that’s pretty normal.
And I don’t think anyone has been offended by me asking “How are you?” 😀
No, you’re not a bad person at all! And I don’t think “How are you?” is offensive either. I think it can just be a reflection of how isolating social conventions are at times. But obviously none of us is up for discussing hard core emotional topics all of the time! It’s also important to take care of ourselves.
Actually, you don’t sound like a teenager at all and you’re not a bad person. You’re a beautiful woman and smart, too. 🙂
Mmm Glee! Have not yet started The Vampire Diaries although it is in my queue.
Me, I’m sore. Like really sore. I accomplished something great with my PT tonight but my body is rebelling. I wish I wanted to write the fun, easy story, but I keep turning back to the hellish post-apocalyptic one. I want to sleep better AND cuddle with my dog, but when he’s in the bed, I don’t sleep.
So I am a little tired, too. But still amped from training, and still achy.
Thank you for the host. It’s refreshing to be so honest.
*host = post.
See? Tired!
Hope you’re feeling less sore this morning. And I wish I could cuddle with my dog and sleep at the same time, too. 🙂
Ah, the fun easy story. Wish I had one of those…
How am I? Lost with no direction but I’m getting there. All in all, I’m in my happy place.
Glad to hear it!
So how am I?
I’ve been having a hard time these last 15 months. I’ve been under a lot of stress and in great pain. Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed and I am not even seeing a light at the end of the darkness yet. Not only that, but I am expected to lie about it when asked “How are you”? while I feel like my chest is going to split open from missing the one I love.
I really understand you. Thank you for saying that.
I’ve been asking it and answering it as a proper question for a while now, you should see the shocked looks on people’s faces!
That’s awesome! Now I’m imagining different scenarios all ending with the same shocked expressions….
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