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Posts Tagged ‘change’

Change is an Inside Job

I’ve gotten two pieces of advice repeatedly over the last week, and they’ve both proven to be quite helpful, so I thought I’d share.

  1. “Things will get better now that the pretending is passed.” aka you don’t have to pretend everything is completely fine.
  2. Talk to your friends about your problems.

So I followed this advice. I stopped pretending, and I talked, and I talked, and I talked some more, and some more after that. And in between I did nice things for myself and gave myself a lot of alone time.

And eventually the clouds began to lift, and I began to feel better.

In the process, I learned something interesting about change.

There’s this feeling I’ve been having for quite some time, a fear that the change I’ve been working toward all this time isn’t real or long-term, that it won’t stick, that one day it will disappear without warning, that I’ll find myself back where I started. It’s very powerful, this fear, and not all that helpful.

Here is what I have realized: conscious change does not ultimately depend on external factors. Change does not rest on the shoulders of one or two key people in our lives, or on a job, or on geography. Change does not rest on our communities, or on a hobby, or on a lifestyle choice. All of these things can help facilitate change, yes, absolutely. But strip any of them away, and what are we left with?

The internal change. We can be thrown into situations that we might have hoped all this change would have prevented. But if there has been internal change, we will respond differently. We will have different skills and different strengths. We will see the situation differently, we might be aware of different options, and we will be able to make different choices if that is what we want to do.

Internal change is not something that just goes away. Can we experience a backslide? Sure. Some confusion? You bet. But I could no more find myself back where I started than I could snap my fingers and cause instantaneous deep change on a whim. Everything–all the hard work, all the insights, all the frustrations and setbacks, all the small victories–builds on itself to create the change.

And perhaps one of the last steps is to gain the confidence that such change can be both true and lasting. That it is not something that can be irrevocably lost or taken away. That failures and difficult situations are an opportunity to learn more rather than some kind of final grim judgment of self-worth.

That the change is not dependent on any one thing or any one person except myself.

Photo Credit: Bindaas Madhavi via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Bindaas Madhavi via Compfight cc

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Joining the Dance

Okay, I have a great quote for you guys today. No surprise, I found it on Jonathan Carroll’s Facebook page, which remains a great inspiration.

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” – Alan Wilson Watts

Photo Credit: CEBImagery.com via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: CEBImagery.com via Compfight cc

I’ve been thinking about breaking up this quote onto different pieces of paper and posting it around my living room. We shall see, though, because I don’t want my living room to remind me of an inspirational calendar. Well, at least not an overly cheesy inspirational calendar.

Anyway. I am of course right in the thick of a long, extended period of change, and within such periods, there are spikes of bigger change and then those times when you can get a little rest. I’m definitely in the middle of a spike at present. And I’ve been thinking about what I want my life to look like.

I have a few thoughts about creating a life vision, if you will.

First, a life vision will be constantly evolving. That’s in its nature. As we learn new things, as we experience setbacks, as circumstances change, as who we are changes, our life vision will shift and grow to fit the present time. How many times have I thought I wanted a particular thing in my life only to find out once I had it that I didn’t want it after all? Enough times to know this is a thing that happens, that’s for sure. But it can be difficult to allow our vision to change because it’s so easy to get attached to the old way of thinking.

Second, as much as I wish I could think or imagine everything out ahead of time, that is not necessarily the best strategy. Hence the above quote. I am a planner and a thinker, so that’s where my comfort zone lies. But sometimes we have to take a leap and see what happens, and then adapt to it. Sometimes we have to try things out to experience them for ourselves. I feel like this can be especially powerful when something isn’t working. Sometimes when we can loosen up our thinking, we find a completely different solution or direction that wasn’t in the original vision at all.

Third, I’m interested in the inevitable biases that creep into our visions of what our lives could be. To me, an obvious one is that of our family of origin. (Another one is the broader society in which we are raised.) When we’re kids, we learn what is possible by watching our parents and close family groups. That sets our basis for what is “normal.” As adults then, we are constantly challenged to learn from our surroundings and seek out exposure to different people and ideas. We can use these to disrupt our original basis for understanding reality in order to create visions that more truly reflect who we are and what we’d like to see for ourselves.

There are so many ideas in our brains, and we haven’t necessarily had a chance to deeply examine them. What it means to be a certain age. What it means to be a certain gender. How we choose to express ourselves. What goals are worthy of pursuit. What gives life its meaning. How we run our social lives. And lots of smaller stuff, like the proper way to bake cookies and what kind of food is comforting and the amazing sweetness of fluffy poodley little dogs and habits of making lists and what kind of stuff you like to do for fun.

A lot of these ideas are great and useful and practical and work really well. But sometimes they don’t all work so well. And sometimes even when they do work well, they act as barriers between ourselves and other people with different biases. Sometimes they even work as ways of shutting down empathy. And sometimes they can keep our life visions more limited than they’d otherwise have to be.

So right now I’m doing my best to put at least part of my inner planner on the back burner and enjoy plunging into the change. I don’t know exactly what will happen next, but then, right now, that’s the entire point.

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I was approached by a few people who read my last blog post and were concerned that bad things had happened to me on my vacation.

On the contrary, friends. On the contrary. I had an amazing trip.

The plan was as follows: to begin in East London at WorldCon, to move to central London to enjoy a week of blissful London time, and then to end with a few days in southeast Wales. This turned out to be an excellent plan.

I had an emotionally challenging summer. Any time your best inspirational words are “things get worse before they get better,” you know things aren’t going so great at that particular moment, however optimistic you may feel about the future. My hope was that my vacation would give me a chance to clear my head, gain perspective, and get some emotional rest. And it certainly succeeded at giving me all these things.

For me, travel, whether it is recreational or to a convention or a combination of both, takes me outside of my familiar, everyday world. I see people I normally wouldn’t see, I have conversations I normally wouldn’t have, I learn about things I wouldn’t normally learn about, I spend my time differently. Not only does this refill the creative wells, but it also serves in a larger sense as a reminder of what is possible.

I think this is always valuable, but when you are having a difficult time, it becomes even more so because it shows you potential ways forward. It encourages movement instead of paralysis. It encourages analysis with an eye toward positive change instead of hopelessness. It gives new context to old problems.

It allows space to imagine a better world. Or at least a healthier life.

Why is this important? Because you can’t move closer to that life unless you can see enough to know what direction to take. It’s difficult to make choices based on your priorities until you are very clear on what those priorities are. And sometimes they need to be reaffirmed several times before they become truly internalized.

The other helpful ingredient for imagining a healthier life is hope. And WorldCon delivered big time on this one. I cried at the Hugo ceremony. Okay, I always cry at the Hugo ceremony, but this time was different. Kameron Hurley and her double win for Fan Writer and for her brilliant essay “We Have Always Fought” meant a lot to me. This recognition from my community for such important work gave me hope. The respect and support of my colleagues gave me hope. The steps forward I had been making in recent months, however difficult, began to give me hope too.

So yes, it was a wonderful vacation indeed. And I’m looking forward to what’s coming next.

At the Hugos.

At the Hugos.

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Isn’t there a saying that everything in this life worth having requires a certain amount of risk?

If there isn’t, there should be.

Life doesn’t come with a guarantee.

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The trick, then, is figuring out what you’re willing to risk and what you’re not willing to risk. Or if you’re me, figuring out which risks are healthy and which risks are dysfunctional.

Fear, unfortunately, does not tend to be the most reliable indicator. Fear can exist for both positive risks and harmful risks. Sometimes we are more afraid of risks that will be good for us than risks that will be actively detrimental.

Sometimes we want to choose a risk that would be bad for us because those old unhealthy patterns are so very comfortable.

Sometimes what we want has nothing at all to do with the wise course of action.

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Photo Credit: Martin Gommel via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Martin Gommel via Compfight cc

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Here’s what happens when you aren’t willing to risk at all:

Nothing happens!

Unless life forces itself on you, which it has a habit of doing. So maybe a few things will happen. Eventually. Randomly. And inevitably. The days will pass, and you will get older, and the world will slowly change around you.

You can embrace stagnancy. Which, when you think about it, is actually a pretty big risk to take too. It just takes less effort.

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Here’s what happens when you are willing to take some risks:

Maybe you will fail, and you will be completely and absolutely devastated.

Maybe you will fail, and you will learn something.

Maybe you will fail, and you will realize it wasn’t very important to you after all. Or that it is SUPER important, and you are determined to keep trying.

Maybe you will fail, and you will see that you are strong. Maybe stronger than you think.

Maybe you will succeed!

Maybe you will kind of succeed, and end up taking some strange tangent, and it turns out to be the best thing that could have ever happened.

Maybe you will realize that risks are okay, and pain is okay, and disappointment is okay, and All the Emotions are okay.

Maybe you will succeed, and then you’ll realize you have to take ANOTHER risk. Darn it.

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The past few years, I’ve taken some big risks. Big enough that beforehand, I feel sick to my stomach, and I have to take deep breaths and make strange Amy hand gestures to convince myself to go forward.

(You think I’m kidding about the hand gestures?)

I’ve laid myself bare on the page. I’ve asked for what I needed, even when I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be getting it. I’ve said no, and I’ve said yes. I’ve taken a close look at things I don’t want to look at, and I’ve shared things I’ve been afraid to share. I’ve committed myself to change, and I’ve committed myself to holding boundaries that force me to acknowledge the painful behavior of others.

I have taken a few long shots, because the unlikely payoff would be so freaking beautiful, it makes the risk completely worth it.

I would take them again.

And I have failed

And I have lost.

And I have found things that are infinitely precious to me.

I have cried myself to sleep, and I have been blissfully happy.

And my life is so much richer for it all.

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Everything worthwhile in this life requires a certain amount of risk.

The choice is yours.

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Paul Weimer recently had this to say on Twitter: “Change doesn’t happen by meekly accepting things as they are. That’s a recipe for the continuation of the bullshit.”

How’s that for a truth bomb?

Change does not come in the wake of being nice. Change does not come from silence. Change does not come from a place of making everyone comfortable. Change is not nice, silent, or comfortable.

No, change is a fight against the inexorable pull of the status quo, against the weight of the way things have always been (even if they haven’t in fact always been this way), against apathy and ennui and not wanting to be bothered. Change calls thoughts and ideas, sometimes unexamined, often long-held, into question. Change awakens insecurities that we try to keep under the surface.

Photo Credit: Nanagyei via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Nanagyei via Compfight cc

Change often comes with a certain amount of anger. Anger, because the process of standing against the tide is exhausting and anger provides energy. Anger, because change takes a long time and repeatedly standing up to ignorance and entitlement takes a certain toll. Anger, because sometimes our world is singularly lacking in empathy, and because listening is a hard-won skill that many people have not developed.

Change comes at a high personal cost. Change comes from speaking up, and speaking up comes with consequences: derision, derailment, defensiveness, death threats, rape threats, a loss of personal safety and security. Change involves delving into painful truths. Sometimes those painful truths show us things about ourselves and our society that we’d rather not see.

But change DOES come. When life looks particularly dark, I find this truth comforting: everything changes. Today ends, and tomorrow begins. The situation right now will not be the situation forever. Within a generation, the ideas of a society can shift. And in another generation, they can shift some more.

And I can educate myself and strive to be someone more than who I am today.

I can change too.

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I have a confession to make.

When I’m chatting with someone online and they send me a link, I often don’t want to click on it. Sometimes I even give into temptation and don’t do it. Particularly if it’s a YouTube link. Shocking, I know, but there are only so many viral videos I can take in any given month before I lose all interest. That number, for me, is quite low.

But the other day my friend sent me a link that I clicked on, and I’m glad I did because it features amazing chalkboard art with cool quotations. Here is the one I want to talk about today:

Artwork by two anonymous students at the Columbus College of Art and Design

Artwork by two anonymous students at the Columbus College of Art and Design

“Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping to transform it into a door.” – Coco Chanel

This reminds me of the Serenity prayer, only punchier and with less potential baggage. I talk about change a lot, but what I don’t remember talking about is how to figure out what is possible to change in the first place. Because some things you can change easily, some things you can change if you work your butt off, and some things…well, you probably can’t change them at all.

At the top of my list of things that cannot be changed? Other people. We can communicate, we can express our needs and desires, in certain contexts we can teach them. But when it comes to people, change comes from the inside, not the outside. And sometimes, as Ferrett so eloquently explains, someone is just bad for us, and we have to walk away. I hate that this is true, but there you have it.

All right, but what about personality? I am thrilled to have this opportunity to point you towards this “How to date an INFJ” post, which explains my personality in enough detail to be a little scary.

(Digression: But Amy, you just said a few months ago that you have become more extroverted, so aren’t you an ENFJ? So yeah, about that. I’ve swung over to the more introverted side again, so apparently I flip-flop depending on, I don’t know, life and stuff. In any case, I definitely started out in life as a solid INFJ. Plus, see item: “INFJs can often mimic other types.” Yup.)

So here are two different personality examples from the post:

Example 1: “INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.”

This description used to fit me to a T, but it’s no longer accurate. I initiate things all the time. I plan parties, I organize board game events, I ask people over, I ask people I don’t know very well to do stuff. It took a lot of practice and will power, but this was possible to change.

On the other hand, I still LOVE it when other people initiate. Most people probably don’t know how absurdly happy I become when I get any piece of communication: an e-mail, a text, even a Facebook message. I am SO HAPPY. And when someone invites me to do something and has obviously given thought as to what I would like to do, well, it is THE BEST THING EVER.

But I have changed initiation from something I cannot do into something that doesn’t hold me back.

Example 2: “For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion.”

This description of me is still completely accurate, so much so that when I was typing it out, I realized I have trouble comprehending what it would be like not to think this way. I have tried to work on this, but I have had very limited success. The omission and distortion of information tends to drive me up the wall, and I turn into a stress-ball. My experience so far has confirmed that I cannot emotionally deal with it on a repeated basis and still remain close with the other person involved.

So, never say never, but this aspect of my personality seems a lot less likely to change.

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Figuring out what is possible to change and what is not can take some trial and error. But the more we can differentiate between the two of them, both in ourselves and in the world around us, the better we can allocate our energy. It’s no fun trying to turn a wall into a door, but it’s amazing to open a door that doesn’t need to remain shut.

What do you think you can change? What do you think you can’t?

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It is April 1st, and I have officially moved. All my stuff was in one place, and now it is in a different place. It is mostly in boxes, which is admittedly sad for me. But it is here!

Meanwhile, I am completely exhausted. I want to lie around and do not much for the next several weeks at least. I am not going to do that, because I have a novel to write and stuff to remove from boxes and place in spots that look purposeful. But it sounds like a lovely idea.

Nala and I, collapsed on the floor.

Nala and I, collapsed on the floor.

I gave up the keys to my old place yesterday, and I did feel a pang. I tend towards the sentimental, and even more so when I’m tired. I was only living there for one year, but it was certainly an eventful year, not to mention a year surprisingly well documented with photos. I have many happy memories of time spent in that condo.

It’s strange how leaving a space feels like leaving something more intangible behind. I’ve heard people reference the memories that live in the walls, and I suppose that is some of it. But there’s also, I think, the more pervasive feeling of change. Now that this one major part of my life has changed, how are the ripples of that change going to spread? I’ve talked before about being in a liminal space, and moving certainly triggers that experience, of transition and being in between.

I think maybe that’s why I’m so tired. Okay, realistically, I’m so tired because moving is a huge amount of work and expense and stress. But I also feel slightly off balance, like things are in motion but I’m not quite sure what all they are or where they’re going.

It’s somewhat comforting to consider, then, that my priorities remain much the same. Nala, my novel, my friends. Settling into the new place and getting my body back to its normal state after all the moving strains. Thinking interesting and challenging and wonderful thoughts.

Things change and things stay the same, all in a strange concurrent muddle of life.

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