Sometimes I am wishy-washy before I even set fingers to keyboard. I think of a subject that would make an interesting blog post, and then I veto it, not because it is inappropriate but because it crosses the threshold of my comfort zone. Because it would be hard to write about. Because it would be challenging to read about. So for my last backbone project post, I’m going to tackle such a subject head on.
I don’t drink alcohol. Not at all. No, I’m not a Mormon. I’m also not allergic, nor do I have stomach problems. I’m not a recovering alcoholic, and I’m not trying to avoid calories or sleepiness.
An interesting aspect of not drinking is that everyone always wants to know WHY. On the one hand, I can see how making a minority lifestyle choice could prompt questions, but on the other hand, I don’t think most of the people who ask really want to have a ten-minute-long philosophical discussion with me. Plus it gets tedious to be asked the same, slightly-but-not-quite-rude question so many times. Nowadays I’ve wised up, and I usually mention a family history of alcoholism, which kills the topic. Occasionally I’ll also mention that I hate the taste and make a joke about how it all tastes like cough syrup to me (although this is a dangerous tactic, as it encourages people to suggest alcohol that I might like). Both of these answers are true but incomplete.
The fact is, the decision not to drink alcohol is not made lightly. It becomes a big deal, like it or not, because it would be so much easier to acquire the taste and drink socially, at least a bit. Otherwise, people will heckle you, and question you, and try to change your mind, and be baffled and uncomfortable. If I’m choosing to go through all of that, then I’m really making A Choice. My original reasons have morphed over the years to adjust to the extreme reaction people sometimes have to my assertion that I don’t drink. To give you an idea of the magnitude of that choice, I can tell you that back in my dating days, there were two conversations I dreaded having with a new date: the one in which I had to share that my mom is dead, and the one in which I had to explain that I don’t drink any alcohol. Believe me, you can learn a lot about a person by how they respond to those two pieces of information.
So why don’t I drink? My decision was born from the determination to not ruin my life the way I saw other lives be ruined by alcohol and drugs, to create something better for myself. It was a direct response to a family history of drug and alcohol abuse. But it became more than that. As I watched people around me become uncomfortable that I wasn’t drinking, I didn’t want to start doing something that would cause me to become so insecure. I didn’t want to do stupid things and be able to blame it on having too much to drink; if I was going to do stupid things (and believe me, I have), I wanted to do them on my own terms and under my own power. I didn’t want to evade responsibility for myself. I didn’t want to say hurtful things to other people because of my drinking. I didn’t want to lubricate social situations for myself; I wanted to learn the social skills that would carry me through them. I wanted to be less shy all the time and not depend on a possible crutch. And perhaps most of all, I wanted to be accepted for who I was, even if who I was didn’t fit into some neat little box of expectations. My determination not to drink became a symbol saying that I didn’t have to be like everybody else, and reminding me that some things in life are worth a little alienation and judgment.
Now that I’ve gotten older, my choice carries less of an onus. I’m less likely to encounter peer pressure about the subject. I’m less likely to be in environments where the sole purpose of being there is to drink. I still have to survive through long and boring stories of stupid drunks (believe me, they’re a lot less amusing if you haven’t ever been drunk yourself) and lengthy explanations of various cocktail concoctions or wine snobbery (which is the equivalent of talking to someone who has never played nor had any interest in RPGs about the intricacies of your current campaign). And I still have to answer the WHY question. But it seems to have lost much of its previous significance. And yet, this choice of mine not to drink has played a very real part in shaping who I am today.
I know it’s my backbone project and not yours, but I’m going to ask anyway: What choice have you made or circumstance have you faced that has been met with judgmental attitudes? What is a way in which you are different from the mainstream? What stereotypes do people tend to believe about you that aren’t actually true?
You know, I think it’s great that you made a choice, and then had the integrity to stick with it for as long as you have. Most people don’t have that kind of willpower, especially when it comes to things like drinking that are encouraged in many different social situations. I admire that.
*applause*
I really didn’t want to post this essay. Last night, I was pretty much getting ready to take it down, but you know, this is all about me developing my backbone, so I had to go through with it. Thank you so much for writing such a supportive comment, and the first comment to boot. You’ve given me an infusion of courage. 🙂
There’s absolutely no reason not to post this. Thank you for writing and posting it.
I really appreciated this. I too do not drink and always dread answering why. I don’t have a nice tight why, sometimes I’ll say family reasons, but that’s not exactly true, and until I read your piece I couldn’t quite pin it down until I saw this:
“I didn’t want to evade responsibility for myself. ”
yes! that. exactly!
(and what I hate, the pity that seems to accompany the why.)
An interesting thing about humans: when we enjoy something, we tend to assume that everyone else should enjoy the same thing, and if for some reason they can’t (or don’t), then we feel pity. I know I do this same thing around things like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and certain sugary treats. I love both of these things so much that it’s hard for me to imagine not having them, and my first instinct is to feel pity for those who don’t appreciate these wonderful things as much as I do. Which is patently ridiculous! We’re all different and we all have our special things that we like. Why do they have to be the same? I’m going to be working harder to clobber those first instincts of mine. 🙂
Hiya – here via TheFerrett:
I don’t drink and I know exactly what you mean (I don’t know where you live but in the UK it’s even MORE unusual to be a teetotaller than in the US, say).
The difference is that I used to drink. Big Time. And one day I really wanted to stop. So I did. That was 6.5 years ago (I was 33) and I have never had any desire to drink since then. Just something that holds zero interest for me – but with no emotional issues at all – it’s exactly like how I have no interest in betting on the horses. Some people like it, some people have serious problems with it, but it’s just something that is irrelevant to me now.
My mood is in general so much better that I’d just never consider drinking – this happened really fast – 3 weeks or so.
I ‘bucked the trend’ with this in so many ways:
I didn’t reach “rock bottom”, I had no overt health issues of which I was aware, I had a good job, great life, great marriage, not even particularly moody/depressed etc. – I just drank an awful lot.
I also didn’t do any kind of giving up program or support group or anything. Just stopped. That’s apparently incredibly unusual (but I don’t see why).
My grandfather was a big drinker, and my uncle (on the other side of the family) died of liver problems that were probably alcohol-related – but that was years before I gave up. I don’t thik any of that influenced me.
My dad (not a big drinker AT ALL) gave up drinking in his thirties – I dont know the full reasons, he just felt better without it as far as I know. Maybe that’s why I knew it was simple…
I’m not at all evangelical, but I like to share my experience sometimes because it is so unlike the stereotype ex-drinker story and I think it’s a very positive example.
It’s unusual to just stop drinking, but it does happen. There’s likely a genetic predisposition against addiction, just as there seems to be one (or many) towards addiction.
Please google rat park for info on addiction. I too just stopped drinking btw. For 25 years I drank and I kept falling over so I decided to stop, along with cigarettes, pot and facebook. Now I enjoy my kids.
Thanks Amy for the post, its real and exactly what a blog should be.
I lived in London for about a year, plus I’m a musician so was always in pubs in order to play and hear music… and oh wow are you right about how unusual it is not to drink. It seemed completely *alien*. Also I drank so much Sprite that after awhile I just couldn’t take it any longer.
Thanks for taking the time to share your story; I think it IS a positive example and serves as a good illustration for how people’s experiences differ.
Excellent post. I recently witnessed someone being (somewhat tipsily) grilled as to their choice not to drink, and… it was surprising to me. I guess I understand that reaction: hey, we’re having fun here, are you sure don’t you want to have fun too? But it’s totally not appropriate.
As for my own choice that meets with judgement, that’s easy: I’m Catholic. And I mean to be, too, since I’m a convert.
It’s been years since someone argued with me about it, though. I honestly don’t know if that means that I’m behaving properly or or not! 🙂
Oh wow. When people argue about religion with the intent to change your mind, it always weirds me out. Faith is such a deeply personal experience, after all. And yet, this is said by the granddaughter of two sets of Christian missionaries….
Wine drinker and RPG player here — laughed out loud at your “intricacies of your current campaign” comparison.
Excellent! I have sat through way too many campaign stories in my day–and I’m actually *interested* in RPGs, so I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone who isn’t….
Good job, taking on this topic.
As you know, I hardly ever drink. I think I get less comments about not drinking than you do because I’m a man, and people seem more reticent to question men. Or maybe I get less comments because I do very rarely drink, I don’t know. I’m sure, however, that when I say I don’t really drink then people still seem to feel uncomfortable. I hardly ever bring it up – except around others who don’t or rarely drink. Strength in numbers, maybe?
I got some pretty difficult to handle reactions from some people when I declared myself as a witch (a religion I’m no longer involved in, preferring skepticism). This particularly because I’m from the Bible Belt. I still deal with a certain (mostly) unspoken sadness from my highly religious family – perhaps more now they know I’m an agnostic, which from their perspective may sound more serious, less like something I’d ‘grow out of’.
Being a dual citizen, I get interesting reactions from people when they find out that I’m American or Canadian when they thought I was the other. An example of people being right but not completely. It’s interesting what you can learn about people in these situations. I’ve also gotten a few comments about the dual citizen thing specifically.
Also:
If people look at me funny when I say that I don’t really drink (they never ask ‘why’, they just look at me funny, which is enough), my new plan is to say, “They call them spirits for a reason, y’know.” Then I’ll move in close, and whisper in their ear while indicating their glass: “That one was Madame Blavatsky. The irony, can you imagine?” And then shudder.
This is a FABULOUS answer!
That is indeed awesome. 🙂
Oh Rich! You crack me up!
Yes, I could see that you would get some interesting reactions by declaring yourself a witch in the Bible Belt. I don’t know if I’d have the je ne sais quoi to do that. I actually very rarely talk about religion, and I live in a fairly live-and-let-live part of the country.
The nationality thing is a good example too, and one I hadn’t thought of. But how people perceive your nationality totally affects how they perceive you personally, at least until they get to know you better. So having TWO nationalities probably means you’re breaking stereotypes in all directions!
You know, on the subject of not getting as much flak because of being a man — I’ve seen much the same. (I don’t drink much myself, but don’t tend to get much flak over it) I wonder how much of the pressure to drink has to do with sexual / gender power plays. Which makes it all the more creepy.
This is fascinating and not something I’ve given a lot of explicit thought to before. I’m thinking though, and it’s true that most of the really overt peer pressure and weird reactions I’ve received have been from men. Make of that what you will.
Women, on the other hand, usually don’t seem to care. I can only think of one or two incidences in which they did (compared to numerous examples of men).
I think men still get flak for not drinking because ‘Men Drink, Dammit!’ So many men have trouble understanding a man who doesn’t.
It seems to me that there are very different pressures put on men who don’t X vs women who don’t X. I can only view the pressures on men from the outside, but it looks very different from what I’ve experienced (and witnessed) as a woman saying no.
Mainly, that it’s hard to be taken seriously.
There always seems to be this assumption that you haven’t put a lot of thought into the decision. That you just need the right person (man) to talk you into it. That you’re being silly. That it’s the opening of some weird flirtation. Or that you simply can’t understand the implications of the decision.
A simple no is rarely enough.
I’ve seen women (heck, I’ve seen Amy) have to justify their choice not to drink. I’ve seen them have to justify their choice not to eat certain things. I’ve seen women (including myself) had to justify the choice not to have children. And there is often (not always, but often) a hint of patronization even in the very friendly cajoling.
This is what’s called “mansplaining” by some feminists. I like this definition by Zuska.
http://scienceblogs.com/thusspakezuska/2010/01/you_may_be_a_mansplainer_if.php
Interesting article. And yes, it can be hard to be taken seriously. Especially perhaps because I am always smiling. While usually a bonus, it can sometimes give people the wrong idea….
I choose to live poly, loving more than one person.
I am and have been different all my life visually because I have albinism, and in attitude because if you ask me a direct question, I’ll answer you.
And the stereotype is basically eek, you’re too different, ew! 🙂 I guess some may think I’m promiscuous as well, though no one has said so. People make ridiculous assumptions.
I admire deliberate life choices. I recognize that they will be harder when they are not mainstream, so you’re going to have to defend your choice fairly regularly.
The attitude you meet regarding not drinking is probably mostly because the other person feels confronted with his or her own choice. We do not much like being wrong. If not everyone is doing *thing* then *I* might be wrong! No! Make other person do *thing*!!!
The whole question of wrongness is an interesting one. When I meet a person who does something differently, my reaction is usually more of curiosity and interest. I might very well want to know WHY (in fact, who am I kidding, I always want to know WHY, although it’s sometimes not appropriate to ask), but I want to know because I am genuinely fascinated by the choices people make, particularly when they’re unusual. However, I do understand (intellectually at least) that some people will respond with the “Different? Yuck” reaction instead.
Linked from TheFerrett.
I liked your essay, and the backbone it took to put it out there.
Where am I judged for being different from the mainstream? Well, I don’t have my picture taken. Like you, over the years my reasons have changed and part of the reason is the reactions I’ve gotten.
-Alex
I would never have thought of this in a million years, but YES! I have seen people who really don’t want their photo taken, and people pressure them like crazy.
Wow, that must be *so* annoying. Good on you for sticking up for yourself.
I’m one of these people. I don’t know what started it, but sometime when I was a child I just decided “no more”. School photo day was a particular nightmare for me.
Hi, skated over from Ferrett.
I don’t doubt people have been judgmental towards you for not drinking, but a lot of them are afraid you’re judging them. Usually when someone states “I don’t (do that)” it’s because they feel there’s something wrong with it, and may think less of people for doing it. From your essay, that’s not inaccurate. Having a drink does not equal being drunk, and not everyone acts like an ass when they are drunk, but your essay paints that as the default you want to avoid. Thus when people ask about why they don’t drink, they’re probably trying to gauge how damaging it is to their relationship with you if they do order a drink.
I’ve found a surprising amount of people are judgmental about my going to an art college. Sure working in web design is only tangentially related to my major of Time-Based Media Studies (animation), but that’s true of most people.
I’ve had people assume I’m not very smart because I didn’t go to a “real college”.
I’ve had people assume I didn’t take any “real” classes, like I sat around and played with finger paint all day. My ex, who was terrible about this, went to a state U and took a Beatles music appreciate class. I’m pretty confident in the comparative usefulness of our courses.
I had a friend remark I was surprisingly punctual for someone going to art school.
I’ve gone to a job interview where after immediately covering my BFA they carefully explained I’d have to show up for all 40 hours of work.
There’s this notion that because I went to a College of Art and Design I fit every irresponsible, pretentious, self absorbed, unreliable artist stereotype they can think of, when really, I went to a school because it offered a greater level of technical specification than I could find at more generalized schools.
I’d find merit in your suggestion … except I get the same reaction when I tell people that I’m allergic, when I gleefully go to the same parties, & when I offer to be designated driver.
Even after having completely non-judgmental reasons for not drinking and not assuming all drinking leads to stupidity, I have never made it through a conversation about not drinking without being grilled, pressured into “just try this one”, and proclamations of being “weird” or disbelieving that alcohol allergies exist.
You know, after I finished this essay, I knew someone would say that not everyone who drinks exhibits any of the behaviors I mentioned. I almost went back and revised, but then I remembered that I was trying not to be conciliatory.
So yes, for the record, I will state that I don’t believe that everyone who drinks exhibits all or ANY of the behaviors I’ve mentioned. I will also say it took me awhile to realize this fact, and even longer to internalize it, so there was a fairly judgmental period in my late teens/early 20s (although I will also say that people being mean about me not drinking certainly didn’t help me come to a different conclusion). However, as with most things there is a range, and I have witnessed these behaviors on a fairly regular basis, and they are a driving force behind my decision not to drink.
That being said, I’m probably going to judge both the drunk person who says something mean and the sober person who says something mean. Ultimately, mean is mean. Although perhaps I’ll give the drunk person less of a pass than some people would? That might be true.
I can’t believe people have such crazy ideas about art school! Well, okay, I guess I can believe it, but man, that sucks. Art college is hard core, and I always admire those who have gone through it.
People are weird.
I’m vegan these days. Which would maybe raise an eyebrow or two but when people ask me I am always brutally honest. It’s not an allergy thing, it’s not a animal rights thing. It’s because I believe a vegan diet is way safer than an omni one. I live in the UK and grew up through salmonella, BSE, CJD, scrapie and foot and mouth scares. I just realised one day that I wanted to opt out of potentially eating my way into one of those news stories. I’m not pushy or confrontational about food, other people’s dinners are their own business, but if you ask me, you’ll get an honest and possibly uncomfortable answer. 🙂
Yeah, I could see how people might look at their food with new eyes after hearing your reasons. 🙂
When I was living in the UK, I tried very hard not to eat any beef because of mad cow (this might or might not have been paranoid, but it’s what I decided). And then I got invited to this family dinner where they served beef, and I didn’t have the nerve not to eat it because I didn’t want to be rude.
Now, I kind of wish I had stuck to my guns, but wow is there a powerful social need to conform and be polite.
I’m glad you tell it like it is when people ask.
(also wandered over from TheFerrett)
Well it takes a bit of gumption to say (about anything) this is how I am and if you don’t like it go lump it. So I would definitely say this is going well on your backbone project.
I DO drink somewhat, but I find I dislike drinking in any social situation (see bar) where there is the faintest possibility that I might have to drive home. I live where public transport is not an option, and the DD (unless one of my AA friends) often forgets that’s what they are. I find if I order a cranberry and soda water, it looks like a “drink” and I don’t get bothered. As far as I am concerned my not drinking has nothing to do with other people and I get tired of being pestered why I am not drinking. Especially since drunk people ask the same question over and over, and don’t actually listen to the answer.
I am totally with you on the responsibility for actions thing. I don’t like it when people use alcohol (or drugs or whatnot) to excuse their actions. Considering it lowers inhibitions, it just means that’s what they really mean when they are sober, but are too polite to say.
When I go to parties I often bring a bottle of wine (I live in the wine country) and also a thing of juice or soda. I find that I am usually the only one bring non-alcoholic drinks and they always get drunk (sometimes before I can get any!).
So in other less rambling words. Go you!
That’s a great idea, bringing a non-alcoholic beverage offering to parties along with wine. I bet it does go fast! I will start doing that too.
I recently went to a technically focused social meetup, and they only had wine there. I do drink some alcohol, but I prefer to be picky about time and place. I had to ask if the organizer could locate water, at which point about half the people there started drinking it too.
That is awesome that you bring both kinds of beverages to parties. I have to admit that when someone brings some kind of fancy nonalcoholic beverage as a hostess present, I get pretty excited. 🙂
I am still particularly rigid about driving drunk. I feel like it’s one thing to say something mean or stupid, or do something and then use drinking as an excuse, and then it’s a whole other thing to drive drunk and potentially put other people in physical danger. I have no tolerance for the second.
And yes, having a drink in the hand definitely helps not get bothered. The only problem with that is that sometimes my drink looks pretty and someone asks what it is, and I can’t bring myself to lie. 🙂
This is a great blog post and I’m enjoying the clued-in comments too.
Being rigid about drunk driving strikes me as a good thing to be rigid about. Drunk drivers kill people. That’s not OK. The law is pretty rigid about drunk driving too.
I was a teetotaller for a couple of years in my twenties. My experiences with going to parties and drinking only non-alcoholic drinks are similar to yours. For some reason there’s always one person who keeps bringing up the topic. They just can’t let go and they’re projecting their own judgment of their drinking habits onto me.
Sometimes when telling people about this type of experience, they start victim-blaming. No matter what I say or don’t, they find fault with my behavior. It took me a while to figure that out. If somebody is trying to control my drinking so they’ll feel comfortable with their own choices, that’s because of them. Not me. Same when somebody engages in victim-blaming. It’s their actions, their responsibility.
Good post! Here from the ferret. I do think, more than judgmental, it’s human nature to want to know WHY someone is different than we are and try to convince them to be more like us. I’m not saying it isn’t hurtful or intrusive or impolite, it’s all of those things, but it seems to come up for whatever choices we might make that differ, not just from the norm, but from whomever we’re interacting with.
Related anecdote: My husband doesn’t drink, not really for any particular reason. As he says, he just never got started. He’s also extremely picky about what he eats and drinks. If I can’t convince the man to eat cauliflower, good luck getting him hooked on your favorite beer. We constantly get questions about it. And whatever we answer, it’s “oh, you need to try X!” In contrast, I do drink on occasion, but not wine (migraines), and not beer (I don’t like the taste). And I constantly get questions about it and “oh, you need to try X!” Tangentially related, my friend doesn’t like rollercoasters and constantly gets questions about it. “Oh, you need to try X!” And so on down the line.
Cauliflower, huh? 😉
I think you’re right and it is human nature. Sometimes it’s nice, kind of like a really excited dog who is jumping around with a ball in her mouth, and you know she’s saying, “Playing fetch is the best! We’ll all be so happy playing fetch!” And of course, sometimes we just want people to accept us as we are.
As another example of the whole convincing thing, in my last post about geek cred, I got several comments about what anime I should try that might win me over. In that case, however, it was more on the cute, excited dog side of the equation.
Like so many, I wandered over here from TheFerrett’s livejournal.
I don’t drink, either. Unlike you, I attempted to acquire the taste for alcohol when I was in college and I failed miserably. I really just don’t like the taste. And I hate the feeling of not being in control (you know, when you’re saying something stupid and you KNOW you’re saying something stupid and, yet, you can do nothing to stop the stupid things from coming out of your mouth).
As I’ve gotten older, it has been less of an issue for people around me. They sometimes ask me why I don’t drink and I just say, “I don’t like it.” Most of the time, it stops them cold. The ruder ones push the issue. Luckily, I used to be a public defense lawyer, so I’m used to rude and know how to handle it/diffuse it. What sometimes worries me is the people who DON’T ask, who I know are making assumptions about me: thinking that I am a recovering alcoholic or a religious nut or someone who otherwise disapproves of drinking. Then I have to remind myself that I can’t stop them from making assumptions.
Anyway, I really just wanted to provide the internet equivalent of a knowing head nod in your direction that lets you know you aren’t alone. I get it.
Oh God, and we can commiserate together about the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad TASTE! I honestly don’t know if I could even acquire it at this point, alcohol tastes so bad to me.
When I go to Hawaii, I tend to drink a lot of virgin lava flows, which is this amazing, sweet drink that involves ice cream and strawberry sauce. And once they accidentally gave me a non-virgin lava flow instead. I couldn’t believe people would actually prefer the one with alcohol! The virgin one is like the best tasting drink ever.
Yum.
You know, if done right, you’re not supposed to taste more than a hint of the alcohol in drinks like that. They’re my favorites, and my preferred drink when I don’t have any imminent responsibilities or a vehicle to operate. Which is, of course, why I almost never have them.
However, I can definitely see a non-drinker have a wtf? moment after just a sip.
I like GentleEleos’s technique. People are going to make assumptions. It can’t be stopped. So why trouble yourself? Now, SAYING that and FEELING that are two different things, but it does start with the assertion that their opinion of you doesn’t alter who you are. If they’re going to snap to a judgement solely based on choice of beverage, then their opinions on a wide range of topics probably aren’t worth worrying over.
I believe there is some evidence to suggest that some people can taste alcohol where others can’t. Possibly a genetic disposition. I’m another of those people for whom the taste of alcohol is not pleasant. I have, on rare occasions had a sip or two of something alcoholic, but the only times I haven’t done the ‘ewww’ face is when the alcohol is extremely heavily overpowered by another flavour. And you know aniseed balls are a lot cheaper than sambuca.
My technique for dealing with being in a social situation where others are drinking alcohol is usually to have something like an LLB (Lemon, Lime and Bitters: technically this does have a little alcohol from the bitters, but the bitters masks the flavour and I suspect I’d hit the LD50 for water before I got drunk drinking them – this is apparently not a well known drink outside Australia, unless of course your barperson is Australian) which looks not quite soft drink-like, but isn’t actually anything that could get you drunk.
I do have other reasons apart from the taste, most of them to do with control. I don’t like not being in control of what I say or do, and the idea of deliberately imbibing something that will reduce my inhibitions and reduce that control makes me shudder.
But apart from the not drinking the main thing that I’ve had issues with people about is the whole dating and attraction thing. On the whole I don’t. I guess I primarily identify as asexual, in the sense that I don’t get attracted to people based on physical appearance. If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to tell me ‘You’ll find someone someday’… I get the same WTF look if I try to tell them that I’m not even looking.
I have that same problem with coffee drinks. I can’t stand the taste of coffee, and I can always taste it — even just a little. But people insist that I should try X — no matter how much I insist it will taste bad to me.
LOL When they say it’s “only a little coffee taste”, I go “OK, so it will only be a little disgusting?”
I tend to not hang out with people who are that controlling. Because that’s what this is. I’m in my forties, I’ve tried enough stuff with “only a little coffee taste” to know that I won’t like it. It’s not OK to crap all over my boundaries by telling me that I don’t know what I like.
Oh I get you! Virgin strawberry daiquiri = awesome tasting slushie. Virgin mudslide = awesome tasting milkshake. Virgin creamsicle margarita = awesome tasting orangey-sherberty milkshake. The alcoholic versions of those drinks = ruined dessert. S’all I’m saying.
And now I’m going to have to look up the recipe for a virgin lava flow.
Yes, ruined dessert! Exactly! Ah, a virgin drink kindred spirit. 🙂
LOL. I *liked* the taste of alcoholic drinks (wine, beer, cider ratehr than cocktails, though), I wish you could get such a complex bitter/sour/fiery taste in non-alcoholic form. Yes I have tried TONS of non-alc stuff – YEUCH!
Oh, I forgot, there’s a coupla German non-alc lagers that are actually Ok – but I never liked lager!!!
I’m not much of a sweet tooth, so in pubs I end up with pints of water, or maybe soda water with a dash of lime cordial.
Yeah, I know people who swear by the taste of certain drinks. Whereas my sweet tooth runs rampant above all else. 🙂
I’m going to have to remember that drink. I am boggled that people like the taste of alcohol, personally. Once someone gave me some “sippin’ tequila” and I swear it tasted like gasoline smells. Mixing it into things just makes the things you mixed it into taste terrible, too.
That said, I’m also a vegetarian. Meat tastes terrible to me so I am continually reminded that my tastes are considered odd.
I don’t drive.
And I am often baffled by how much this has garnered some baffling (to me) reactions from others.
Aside of the typical, incredulous first response “Why the HELL not?” which is followed by any number of bizarre second response assumptions, as
1) I must be mentally/physically handicapped in some way. (which is a bit true — I do have poor binocular vision/ poor depth perception, but my brain has actually compensated enough for that, in many ways. I mean, one eyed drivers can and do exist…)
2) My husband must be a misogynist control freak because how would he/how could he support my lack of driving? Doesn’t he want me to drive? Why isn’t he making me learn?
3) I must be agoraphobic. The reasoning seems to be that it must be difficult for me to get around (which it can be, if there is no public transportation/too far to walk/too far to ride a bike), so therefore, not driving means I must never leave the house. Hm. Evidently, some people have forgotten that one could walk or ride a bike to a place a short distance away.
4) I must be crazy/lazy/stupid/paranoid/refusing to be independent/whatever because…they can’t imagine not knowing how to drive or insist that their lives would be lonely, horrible nightmare if they didn’t know how to drive. It must be so inconvenient for me and everyone else involved in my life! How can I be so selfish/stubborn?
It used to make me feel ashamed. It has made me feel a bit less of a person at times. I’ve had people actually count me out of their social events, because “I didn’t want to be such a bother to you, since it must be a bother for you to get a ride, you know…so I didn’t bother to invite you.” *sigh*
That is the most disconcerting part of my not driving. To think that I don’t want ”the hassle” of being invited to someone’s party.
I haven’t driven for more than a decade. I never think about it because I live in a city where lots of people don’t drive. So you’re not alone. Not only do other people not drive, but indeed some of us live in places where not driving is common.
Wow. Human beings are really good at being exceptionally judgmental, aren’t we? I feel like I’m learning a lot hearing about other people’s experiences. And there’s a certain solidarity from making these unconventional choices, isn’t there? Whether it’s driving or drinking or photo-taking or religion.
At the same time, this is a good reminder to me to be vigilant about the assumptions I make.
Re: “I still have to survive through long and boring stories of stupid drunks (believe me, they’re a lot less amusing if you haven’t ever been drunk yourself)”
I didn’t drink until I was in my mid-20s, but I always found such stories amusing, for the schadenfreude and feeling of superiority that I’d never put myself in such a situation. Self-righteousness is fun, right?
I wish I found self-righteousness to be fun. More I usually felt left out or like I didn’t belong. Now I’m just bored, or mildly amused if it’s a good story.
Here via TheFerrett, as a ton of others have said.
I hear you about dietary preferences and the judgementalism you can get.
I have dairy allergy, and you wouldn’t believe how many people get offended when I won’t eat something they offer me, or if they do bring something and go “I read the ingredients and didn’t see the word milk, it must be safe!” and then I look at the ingredients, and I see the words whey or casein or even sometimes butter- I’ve heard “well butter isn’t milk” before- and I have to say “no, I can’t eat this” and they get horribly upset at me. It’s like I decided to have this or something, like I clearly must enjoy having to not go out to eat or just have a soda at a party. Or I’ve been told “well why don’t you take a single bite? Surely it won’t hurt” and have to explain that if they’d like to see me break out in a rash adn throw up all over their shoes, they can feed me that bite.
Second, I also (rarely) drink. Unlike you, I’m not a total teetotaler, mostly because I really like kahlua in almond milk. But the thing is I don’t drink very much, I’ll mix something like a teaspoon of Kahlua into an 8oz glass of milk, and I’ll have it once every few weeks, so a tiny sampler bottle can last me half a year. And I never, ever drink when other people are around. So I do not socially drink. And being in college, in a dorm, and when coupled with my food allergy, it’s incredibly frustrating to me to be told that I am “so hard to plan for” or get comments like “well clearly there’s nothing fun in your life”. Because clearly I don’t have the right to make a judgement that social drinking makes me uncomfortable, being around drunk people makes me uncomfortable, and I’m not allowed to have the autonomy to do that because it disturbs people.
I shudder to think of what’ll happen if I do do what I keep thinking about and go totally vegan.
Yes, any kind of dietary restriction seems like it’s really hard. I have a friend who can’t have any gluten, and she’s told me some stories. Plus I’ve seen first-hand how difficult it is for her to eat out. I’m sure vegans and those who keep kosher probably have similar problems.
I hate that fun comment. I’ve gotten it some too, although I shoot it down nowadays. I can declare categorically that I’ve had a lot of fun in my life, and I plan to have a lot more fun in the future. And I can be pretty fun to be around in the right mood, especially if you understand my sense of humor. Silly haters.
I started pre-empting the “there’s nothing fun in your life” comment by giving as my excuse “I don’t NEED alcohol to get me into trouble! I can do that just fine on my own, thanks!”
When pressed, I will also respond with “actually, I prefer to be able to REMEMBER my fun. Besides, someone needs to be sober to take pictures of you doing all the stupid stuff you won’t remember tomorrow!”
I drink very little, and almost exclusively at home. I have to admit, I would like to not drink at all, but I found it easier to drink a small amount just occasionally so people think that I just don’t like it but I haven’t made That Choice and don’t heckle me about it anymore. People have been very rude and confrontational to me [including my own family] when I say I just don’t drink. Others seem to think that by me deciding I personally don’t drink, I am judging them. Which I think reveals quite a bit about their own views of it…
One of the things that really pushed me to not want to drink was the whole drama of alcohol at weddings. Apparently a lot of people feel that they must have alcohol to have a good time–even non-guests would get angry when I told them! What kind of life is that? Nothing is enjoyable without a good drink? I really did not want to end up like that.
My major reason is simply that I don’t do drugs and I consider alcohol one. I personally don’t see a difference between marijuana and alcohol–and I’d prefer not to use either. That response however makes people extremely angry and defensive.
Luckily, “it tastes terrible to me” gets me out of it pretty well–probably because most of my friends drink only lightly mixed drinks/beer/wine so they don’t have creative solutions to my alcohol dislike. I wish I could more easily share my actual feelings about it however, instead of lying.
Aha! Yes! It is easier to drink a small amount. Thank you for validating me. 🙂
Yes, see my comment above about fun. Honestly, I promise I still have fun. I even still have fun at parties. Shocking, I know. 😉
And yes, I hate lying about it. Which is why I don’t if asked a direct question. Otherwise I feel like I’m supposed to feel ashamed for the choices I’ve made, and I’m not ashamed.
When I find myself at a bar or at an event like a wedding with a bar, I will often get a drink made of equal parts orange juice, Sprite, and cranberry juice. It doesn’t look like water or a soda & most people won’t ask what it is and I don’t have to go through the whole explanation problem.
Speaking as a drinker that has run into his share of ‘I don’t drink’ statements, I’d like to echo Roni Pare above. The assertion can come off as a superior attitude sometimes, usually based on the answer to ‘Would you like a drink?’ Responses run the gamut, but here are the three settings on the pendulum, from extreme to middle to extreme:
‘No, I don’t drink.’
-Middle of the road. Eyebrow goes up. These days, I shrug. In my 20’s I would ask ‘Why?’ The difficulty with this statement is that you’re announcing the choice. For some reason, it’s important to you to tell me that you do not drink alcohol. Since I like and enjoy alcohol, I would like to know why someone would avoid it. This statement invites the question, much as if someone had said ‘I don’t like puppies.’
‘No, I don’t need alcohol.’
-The judgmental statement. Even if unintended, the natural implication is that while you don’t ‘need’ it, I do. Instantly puts me on the defensive, as though I’m both causing offense, and proving my inferiority as a person by ordering a beer. This one has even floated across the room at a party where a young man, age 21, announced to a room full of tipsy to drunk people ‘I don’t need alcohol to have a good time.’ This was pretty much just picking a fight, though, as most of use were late 20’s to early 30’s, it resulted in him simply being ignored, and having a rotten time.
‘No, thanks.’
– Probably the best statement of all. Perfectly understandable, and makes no assertions, either implied or literal, towards judgement or superiority. Only the real dicks will demand that you share a beverage with them, and that lets you know immediately what kind of people they are. Alcohol IS a drug, after all. Just a legal one.
As I recall, the last method is the one you used at Taos. In fact, I don’t recall you mentioning that you don’t ‘need to’ drink, so you never tripped the ‘Ah, someone wants some attention’ switch in my brain. In fact, I don’t even recall a ‘I don’t drink’ statement, thus raising the eyebrow.
As for personal choices that garner the ‘But why??’ query, I don’t want children. My response is usually tailored to the method of query. The more insane they think me, the more insane my answer. My stock answers:
‘I’d run social experiments on them, deliberately retarding their development in areas and enhancing it in others. No really. You know me. Do you think I could resist?’
‘I’m forbidden from procreating. Yes, ‘forbidden’. By higher powers. Best not to discuss it.’
‘You’re a new mother, yes? You’re swimming in hormones. Every emotion related to your newborn is tainted through that biologic lens so that you don’t destroy this squalling creature that is utterly dependent upon you for survival. Give it ten years, then you’ll be ready for a real answer.’
‘The world is overpopulated as-is. If I want to take on that responsibility, I’ll adopt.’
That last one is usually the best, and given to honest queries. The biology one is handed to family members, and requires me being pressed hard on the topic. The others are just for entertainment.
Another difference from the mainstream: I dislike football. Yet I’m a white male in his upper 30’s who lives in Texas. You would be shocked to hear how often someone at the checkout counter asks ‘How was the game?’ My stock answer is along the lines of ‘Pretty good. We’re at phase 3 on Cho’gall, but still struggling with Nefarian. I think we’ll have Twilight Sanctum done next time though.’ If their expression is anything but baffled, then I’ve done my job wrong.
I’ve noticed that “no, thanks” sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t — I’ve seen many people respond to that by asking again, and repeatedly. (Generally people who are already somewhat drunk themselves. Part of the problem with this is, of course, that the cases in which this comes up are disproportionately ones which involve people who aren’t sober, and so whose ability to pick up on social cues isn’t the best)
That’s a good point, and I wonder if that isn’t the gender inequality thing again. For my part, when I don’t want a drink, I say so, and that’s the end of it. Rare, I admit, but sometimes I’ve already had one or two, or I’m just not in the mood. Even around strangers, the ‘No, I’m good’ seems to do the trick, but then, I’m not a gorgeous woman.
If I think I’m going to be seeing someone at multiple events in the future, or if someone asks a couple of times at the same party if I’d like a drink, I tell them, “No, I don’t drink” so they’ll know not to ask again. In my case it’s just a matter of years and years of being asked, not because I’ve been pestered or had drinks foisted on me or something.
“This one has even floated across the room at a party where a young man, age 21, announced to a room full of tipsy to drunk people ‘I don’t need alcohol to have a good time.’ This was pretty much just picking a fight, though, as most of use were late 20′s to early 30′s, it resulted in him simply being ignored, and having a rotten time.”
It’s my personal experience that if you don’t drink then being in a room/party full of tipsy/drunk people probably isn’t going to be fun for you regardless of whether or not you’ve made an anti-alcohol comment that prompts them to ignore you.
Ain’t it the truth? I mean, I’ve been the designated driver before, and still had fun, but it’s true that the party atmosphere is more enjoyable with a tasty beverage or two.
It depends on the party. I still have a great time at many parties. I like music, I like to dance, I like to meet new people and hang out with friends. (This feels a little bit like the old saw that if you don’t drink, you aren’t having as much fun. While this may be true for some people, it’s not true for me.)
Another non-drinker here, but I can’t say that I’ve ever had meaningful pushback over it. Perhaps some combination of being male, stubborn, asocial, completely avoiding the bar scene, and staying out of the part of the house party where the booze is located.
I go to a lot of blues house parties where some people are boozing it up. Most people are just dancing together though, and drunkenness and social dancing definitely do not go together.
I have never been left alone with just “no thanks”. People pester me to have a drink, all in the interest of being “polite”, because it somehow seems rude of them as a host or companion to not make sure I have a drink in my hand at all times. Eventually, I always have to give the longer answer anyway, so I just do it up front now.
I wish not drinking was that simple. I usually default to “No thanks,” but the problem is that often people won’t take no for an answer, or they want to know why not (even before they know I don’t drink). So then I progress to “I don’t drink” (although I occasionally start there preemptively, especially if this is a person I think I’ll be having some kind of ongoing friendship with). I don’t usually say “I don’t need alcohol” because that would be weird, but I would say it if someone were being rude enough and implying that I’m not a fun person (or whatever) because I don’t drink, in which case I would say something like, “I don’t need alcohol. I’m already totally hot.” or whatever.
Taos is actually a good example though. I really didn’t care how much people were or weren’t drinking at Taos, so no judgment there. Occasionally it was funny, occasionally it was inconvenient. I just politely refused any drinks. But towards the end, someone (and I genuinely can’t remember which guy it was) began pressuring me to drink. At which point I indicated that I don’t drink. Then the why question was asked, and I said something like, “Really? Are we really going to have this conversation?” And in fact, yes, we did. I wasn’t being at all judgmental about other people’s drinking, and in the end it was me who was made uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this is par for the course of how things are when you don’t drink, at least in my experience. There are many circumstances in which a “No thanks” just doesn’t work.
The kid thing is crazy. If you don’t have kids, you’re judged, and I’ve also noticed a few people who judge you if you DO have kids. I don’t get it; do people really want others to have kids when they don’t want them? Really? Because I’m sure that would lead to just stellar parenting.
“I don’t need alcohol. I’m already totally hot.”
HA! Nice one. Direct and allows for a humorous defuse. They’re probably hoping that if you have a drink or three, they’ll start looking totally hot to you. Maybe that’s a big part of the pressure placed on women to drink. I know that younger people (males especially) are much more motivated to get women to imbibe to assist with procreation. It would be an utter lie to say that us older males aren’t motivated by the same impulses, but it’s a much milder impulse these days. At least for me.
You’re right that the response has to be tailored to the individual. Much like my responses to the ‘Why no kids?’ query.
It does surprise me that ‘Are we really going to talk about this?’ didn’t shut things down. I know what when I’ve used similar lines, it usually shuts things down. Could that be another gender issue? Or is it the force of delivery? My sister and I have much the same personality. When she doesn’t want to discuss something, it’s not discussed. It’s not as though she’s intimidating physically, either. She’s all of 110lbs, skinny and blond. Yes, as I think about it, you’re a much milder personality, so the comparison isn’t very useful.
But that’s the point of the backbone project, no?
Hee hee, I’m glad you like the football thing. I enjoy making my own assumptions when others thrust theirs upon me.
Yes, I suffer from the “too nice” syndrome. Occasionally, I even suffer from the “way too nice” syndrome. I’m working on it. (And yes, the backbone project is part of that!) I think perhaps because I’m always very polite and smiling, people go farther than they might otherwise.
I try to live by this advice:
“The correct way to punctuate a sentence that states: “Of course it is none of my business, but — ” is to place a period after the word “but.” Don’t use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
Also, I heart your football response. 🙂
You summed up the reactions much better than I could have, Mr. Kelley!
I like your story too. Kudos to both you and Amy for sticking to your guns!!
here via theferret…
i dont drive much. i live in a no-public-transportation-to-speak-of city, in texas. you nearly HAVE to drive.
but diabetes has wrecked my eyes. so i can drive short distances in the daytime (nail salon, dog groomer) and that’s about it.
i dont drink. not only because of the diabetes, but also because i have a wrecked liver. (cirrhosis) i wasnt a big drinker before (beer, ew!) so i really dont miss it. and did you know that the former stance that diabetes causes liver damage is now being found that the liver causes the pancreas to shut down? interesting stuff!
you dont drink? come sit by me and converse. we can giggle at some of the antics of drinkers, and roll our eyes at others. i spent a new year’s eve as the keeper of the keys (i was 4 months pregnant and not drinking) and had a hilarious time not drinking. there was crash space for everyone, there were no arguments about not driving (one couple lived next door and i walked them to the door to unlock it for them…and took the car keys back with me, and hung a note on the icebox that i had the keys), and everyone had a lovely time.
i come from a Baptist upbringing. not drinking is a non issue to me. 🙂
I love people for whom it is a non-issue. Love!
Honestly, sometimes I have a lot of fun being around drunk people. It can be pretty entertaining. As long as they’re not trying to force me to do something I don’t want to do, of course.
Found my way here randomly, but this really resonated.
I DO drink. A bit. With food, or in extreme moderation (absolutely no more than four units per week, ever). I have never been drunk. This has cost me many, many friends, even though I go out of my way not to judge- there are so many social situations where alcohol appears to be an absolute requirement. Even for me, it can be hard. I’m sure it’s much harder for people who don’t drink at all, especially if you don’t have an ‘acceptable’ excuse (Alcoholic/ Family of alcoholics/ Driving/ Mormon/ Methodist/ Muslim/ Pregnant/ Medicated).
Huh. I didn’t realize that not drinking to the point of drunkitude (that should be a word) would still cause some people to become upset with you. I mean, I totally believe you, but man. That seems especially unpleasant.
“I have never been drunk. This has cost me many, many friends”
You don’t need friends like that.
I don’t drink beer or wine because they are both too bitter for me, and I don’t drink most other kinds of alcohol because they are too strong. I don’t like bars because I can’t hear anything anyone says in them. I was also a college student for 14 years. Needless to say, there were a great many times when my friends all went out without me or when people thought I was some kind of Puritan because I would turn down wine or beer. Once they think that you don’t like to drink, they start thinking you’re down on fun in general, and you stop being included in as many social things. It sucks. (Of course, when college students get older and discover there’s life outside the bottle, that changes. But it’s slow.)
I have also received a lot of “thoughtful” bottles of wine as gifts, and many, “hey you should try this beer! It’s not bitter!” invitations. (I also don’t drink coffee because it’s too bitter.) I find those reactions to be both insulting and patronizing. I regift the wine, and I don’t care if the original gifter is insulted in the process.
I do drink, but I would never question anyone’s decision not to drink. It’s annoying enough when people question my own simple dislike of the taste of the thing.
Oh, goodness, the “You just haven’t met the right [X]” crap. If I ever indulge in that with my non-drinking friends, they have my permission to slap me upside the head. I get it myself from friends who like reggae or hip-hop and discover I don’t. “What is it you don’t like about it? Oh, OK, then, this example downplays that trait…” It’s well-meaning and it’s annoying. Like, they can’t accept that I simply don’t *like* something they like; they have to find the *exception.*
But I understand the motivation. I do like the taste of some alcohols, I love scotch tastings and microbrew samplings and wine/beer pairing dinners; and I make delighted squee! noises when I find someone I can share that joy with. Conversely, I may emit a small amount of disappointment when I learn a new-made friend doesn’t drink. But it’s no different from discovering they can’t stand listening to Rush because Geddy Lee’s voice irritates them. The disappointment is the same, and it’s my problem, and I shouldn’t make it their problem. I have a terrible temptation to say something like, “But what about this song? He sounds fantastic on the Presto album!” or “So you don’t like beer… but maybe you’d like this peach lambic? My husband liked it, and he doesn’t like beer either…” But looking for the one exception to a friend’s “I don’t like [X] rule” is incredibly pushy, so I try not to do it unless explicitly invited to.
As someone with an education in music theory, I often get into discussions about music. When people say they don’t like a certain style of music because it all sounds like X, I find myself explaining to them how and why all that style does not, in fact, have that X quality.
But I make sure to be clear that I am not trying to make them like that music. It’s not possible to argue someone into liking a certain form of music. Either you like it when you hear it or you don’t. If you don’t, either you’re interested in learning to appreciate it, or your not. When I rebut people’s assertions about styles of music, it is intended to be a factual correction, not a judgement of taste.
(of course, this doesn’t mean that I trap people into long lectures about a style of music they don’t like – it’s all relative to the person I’m talking to, how well we know each other, etc.)
So when someone tries to actually convince someone else to *like* something that they have decided already that they don’t like, that’s just rude. If I am factually wrong about something, by all means, correct me on it. But don’t insult me by implying that I am not capable of determining my own likes and dislikes.
I have never received gifts of alcohol as a way to try to get me to drink. I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t go over well with me, though. I have received bottles of various sorts as gifts from people who don’t know or have forgotten that I don’t drink. It usually just means they don’t know me very well, and I try to serve whatever I receive at parties.
Also, I don’t drink coffee either! I *can* drink it if I add huge heaps of sugar, but I tend to avoid it.
Not only have I received gifts of alcohol specifically as a method to get me to drink, I have received gifts of alcohol disguised as other food or drink specifically to trick me into drinking.
Once, a former boyfriend who knew how much I adore chocolate-dipped strawberries, soaked some strawberries in something – vodka, I think – then dipped them in chocolate, hoping to slip the alcohol in unnoticed so that I could experience being drunk.
Except that the strawberries TASTED like they had been soaked in something. They tasted WRONG. I couldn’t get more than a couple of bites and I was sure they had gone bad or something. Eventually, his mother (who was in on the “joke”) admitted to me what he had done because I would not shut up about how they tasted wrong and I wanted everyone else in the room to try them and see if they could identify what the problem was.
He is a former boyfriend for many reasons, lack of respect for my personal sovereignty high among them.
Also, a friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver. I absolutely do not drink if I am going to be driving anywhere, and this has caused problems between me and friends who are willing to drive after having had a drink. Yes, I know one drink per hour will probably not make you drunk … but why take the risk?
I don’t wear shoes. its just a part of me now. and as I started reading this post about this “slightly-but-not-quite-rude question” people ask, I realised that just yesterday I had an encounter with that issue. “why don’t you wear shoes?” well in summary its my choice and its more comfortable and a few other small reasons etc. but overall cause I WANT TO. fact of the matter is – I don’t wear shoes and probably – if you have to ask then you missed something that I had when I grew up. some secret to life. some strange mystery reason for being. because wearing shoes is an integral part of life right? eeeeeeveryone wears shoes don’t they? don’t they?
I don’t know if maybe by doing something like this we set ourselves up for these “almost awkward questions” but maybe there is a way around it. but generally – people don’t ask the question if they intend to be a good friend. (not that they can’t ask, but maybe it doesn’t matter to a friend so much as it does to a stranger)
I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, as this would defeat the purpose of this conversation, but how do you manage this? I HATE shoes. For most of high school I managed wearing them minimally, but as I now have to go out into the greater world, its difficult since one has to in stores, offices, etc. Do you just not do those things on a regular basis? I would love to know your secret!
well… for starters – I dont really drink 😛 so I dont go to bars.
shopping centres really dont stop you from walking in. as an individual they can tell you to leave (in theory) not that anyone has ever. but you could also just tell them you take risk into your own hands (and feet) and shouldnt the centre be clean anyway?
walking down streets? thats fine. beach = cool. hot summer days can be trouble. parks used to be trouble cause of the bindies but not so much. you watch where you walk anyway.
offices – you need to have a better job. in fact – nothing stops you from walking into an office barefoot… does it?
places of worship – just wear shoes inside those. or at least to the door.
I have a pair of (thong//flip flop shoes) in the car in case of an accident. according to insurance you need to be wearing shoes if you get out of a car at the scene of an accident.
public transport gets cleaned regularly… its very hard to find places where you neeeeeeeeed to wear shoes.
movie cinemas often say they wont let you in next time without shoes. (usually when they see you on the way out) and even so – lots of people take off their shoes when they sit down. dentists…
hospitals need shoes. but lets hope you dont need to go there often!
🙂
Yet another example of something I never would have thought of! It’s amazing how many things we take for granted, like shoes, and yet how well we can actually get along without many of these things.
Where do you live and work? I live in the D.C. area and never in my wildest dreams could I get away with not wearing shoes. I’d love to live in a community that’s that accepting.
I don’t want to have kids, and I haven’t for pretty much my entire life. I spent two years in my mid-twenties looking for a gynecologist who would agree to tie my tubes. One flat-out lied to me and told me that most women who have their tubes tied suffer such severe pain afterward that within five years they have hysterectomies. I finally did manage to get my tubes tied, but only after I a) found a gynecologist willing to listen to me, b) convinced her that I really couldn’t take birth control pills any more (medical issue with clotting), and c) first submitted to the implantation of an IUD device, which was frankly a horror show. Most doctors refused to listen to me because, as they said, I’d change my mind and I didn’t have kids already.
When I was 30 I did go through a period of hormonal overload when babies started looking *really* cute, but each time I found myself awash in chemical love I would sit down and really think about what I wanted in life. A baby was never part of it. When I turned 32 the hormone wash ended and I am still glad I don’t have kids. I love my life just exactly the way it is now.
I have been forced to manufacture a lot of reasons to justify not wanting a child. Simply not wanting one is not good enough to please most other people. The funny thing is, I love children. I am a teacher (and no, seeing children at work all day long has nothing to do with my decision). I appreciate kids all the way from birth to adulthood. I get along great with them. I am a wonderful “aunt.” I just do not want to be a mother.
For what it’s worth, I totally get it. I don’t have kids right now, although I might in the future. And I adore kids and have spent much of my adult life teaching them. But it doesn’t seem at all odd to me that one could love kids and not want to be a parent. While those two things might be related, they are not at all the same.
[…] start with this post here: https://practicalfreespirit.com/2011/06/02/the-teetotaler-manifesto-or-why-i-dont-drink/ […]
I’ve made quite a few non-mainstream lifestyle choices. I’m poly, I’m Wiccan, I’m a woman who decided not to shave, I’m a woman who decided never to have children. And I’m surrounded by friends who’ve made similar choices, such as to be vegetarian or vegan, or to not drink, or to not drive.
And I do understand some people’s “judge them before they judge me” mentality; I have in fact been in situations where I am being explicitly lectured or judged morally wanting because I eat meat, because I eat dairy, because I do drink. I understand how sometimes mainstream folks can hear “I don’t drink” or “I won’t have kids” as the precursor to “And neither should you.”
But the fact is, aggression towards people who make non-mainstream choices occurs far more often than aggression originating from those who make them.
And my mind boggles at the way some people seem to think the non-mainstream choice is ALL ABOUT THEM. Like, my husband’s vegetarianism isn’t really about him making conscious choices about which industries he will or won’t support, or what foods he wants to introduce into his body; it’s really about preaching morality to omnivores? Like, our handfasting wasn’t really designed to be an accurate a reflection of our religious beliefs, our beliefs about gender equality, and the way we wanted to declare our love and commitment to each other; it was actually about hurting my mother as much as possible? Like, our open marriage each isn’t really a simple result of our discussing what we want and need out of our relationship; it’s in fact a way of accusing monogamous couples of selfishness and immaturity or something like that?
Deciding someone else’s personal choices are ALL ABOUT YOU looks like the epitome of egocentrism to me.
The shaving thing is where I feel the most personal discomfort in mainstream society. On the other hand, I probably would wear jeans and sleeved shirts anyway, because I burn red like a lobster in the sun anyway, and living in Boulder means there’s a mile less atmosphere protecting me from those UV rays. But there are times when I wish I could go sleeveless and not feel like I have to choose between A) Making A Statement about body choices, or B) caving in to societal pressure. Because neither shaving or not shaving is a neutral choice. And that sucks. It sort of ties in with realizing that nothing a woman does in sexist society can be construed as neutral either.
Sometimes I make a point of wearing a tank top to the climbing gym. Because there’s nothing like getting to the top of a difficult route for neutralizing my self-consciousness. “Who cares whether people disapprove of my hairiness? I am a total bad-ass!” And maybe some young girl will see me as an example that there are multiple viable options for women, and that’ll be a good thing.
Sorry to ramble. I really appreciate this blog entry in specific and your Backbone Project in general.
“But the fact is, aggression towards people who make non-mainstream choices occurs far more often than aggression originating from those who make them.”
Yes. I think this is true. Thank you for articulating it so well.
I get you on the Catch-22 of the whole body choices thing too. I went to school at UC Santa Cruz so there were a lot of women who didn’t shave, which I think helped. They were still making a statement, but at least it was a common statement to make, so it didn’t have to be quite so “Statement Making.”
Also, handfastings are awesome!
I also don’t shave. This was fine when I went to my hippie college or lived in san francisco… but now I live in LA. In a city that revolves around mainstream beauty. I’ve been here 8 years and I still think about caving some days.
But my choice is important to me. It reminds me that I love myself the way I am… which I need to be reminded of a lot. Especially because I am a recovering “people pleaser.”
No one has ever been rude about it… that doesn’t happen in LA… but sometimes I feel the world staring. And I definitely choose short sleeves over tank tops. Still, I guess it’s a triumph that I’ve stuck to my values, even if I’m more incognito about it that I used to be:)
Thanks for starting this discussion Amy!
I grew up in a family in which my parents drank wine with meals. I didn’t drink in college, drank wine in grad school, didn’t drink much for several decades after that, now drink wine regularly.
I am a baby boomer who has never done drugs. The most awkward I have felt in my entire life was when I went out hiking or something outdoorsy with some fellow grad students and then we came back to one person’s apartment and he lit a joint and passed it around and I said no thanks and just passed it to the next person and felt like I didn’t belong there.
I think people have a right to choose how to treat their own bodies, except that people who smoke should do it in a way the nonsmokers don’t have to be exposed to it. And people should not have to endure problems because of someone else’s substance abuse.
Yeah, there can definitely be a feeling of not belonging. Plus it feels like it would be so easy to just cave in and do what everyone else is so there is no conflict. (Have I mentioned I’m a little conflict adverse? Ha!)
We most certainly do have a right to choose how we treat our bodies. Sometimes we have to fight for this right, though.
I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I haven’t dated anybody, ever.
I don’t have a family history of alcoholism, but based on the way I play computer games, I suspect I have a low-level addictive personality. I don’t really feel like experimenting to find out if I’m right. Also, I hate what being drunk does to people, and I don’t want to be That Drunk Guy.
Smoking is much the same, with bonus “Dear God why would anybody do that THE SMELL!”
Not dating is based on my perception that I’m not socially apt. This isn’t Asperger’s or anything like that, as far as I know. I just didn’t try to be a social creature, and so I never really learned how to deal with people.
Thankfully (I think?) I never had to worry about smoking, as I have asthma so it would be Obviously Stupid. Plus I’m a singer, so that makes me extra paranoid about things that could harm my voice.
Dealing with people does take a certain amount of energy and skill, I will definitely agree with you there.
There is a very simple reason why drinkers challenge non-drinkers. When everyone is drunk, they are “partners in crime”. No one is above another. When one person abstains, there is someone more lucid to record the stupid things the others do. Someone not “guilty” of impairment who can talk about it the next day as an observer, not a participant. I doubt it’s the same unease that happens with actual crimes, but it’s a subtler version of the same thing. They are trying to bring you into the circle and take away your higher ground.
But not in a bad way! (right?)
Well, I guess that could be true. I hadn’t thought of this one. Huh. I’ll be thinking about it some more now, though. 🙂
I definitely agree with the “partners in crime” theory… and I’ve totally felt that when I’m drinking socially… but still we don’t have to act on all of our gut reactions, right?
I try never to ask “why” when someone isn’t drinking… I feel like it’s their own business, whatever the reason. But I will say that if I don’t know the person, I tend to stay more observant in case the reason _is_ religious or political. I don’t want to say something during general conversation to make the other person uncomfortable.
In other words, I grew up in a conservative state and if I see a sign that someone I’m chatting with might be fairly conservative, I tend to stay away from those sorts of conversation topics. I’m already socially uncomfortable enough;)
Yet another Ferrett-reader here.
I’ve never been a big drinker, though I’d occasionally have a few just to “be sociable”. And there are some types of booze where the flavour works for rather than against.
But in the last few months I’ve had to stop completely for medical reasons, and oh my does the social stuff get difficult. Not just because I’d been using booze as a small crutch (I’m prone to exciting social anxiety issues) but also because Australia has a huge drinking culture.
The primary social activity for single people here is drinking. A lot. If you don’t, well, that cuts off a lot of the options for meeting people. When sober, I don’t find drunk people even remotely entertaining or attractive.
Aside from that difficulty I don’t much miss it and probably won’t bother with it again if and when the medical stuff goes away. Though being able to answer the “WHY?” with “medical foo” is awfully handy.
Yes, medical foo is a great dodge technique. 🙂
And yes, Australia DOES have a huge drinking culture. I’ve actually found a lot of Aussies to be very supportive of my not drinking, but I remember one guy I was dating (not for long, HA) and he just could not understand why I wouldn’t drink. Of course, this was also the jerk who would randomly reach over and pull off my glasses when he barely knew me, because he thought I looked so much better without them, so this is not a high caliber of humanity we’re talking about. 😉
But yes, my Aussie friends and I would spend a fair amount of time at the pub. Luckily we also all liked to dance and see live music so the drinking thing was less of an issue. Or maybe I just had really nice friends.
I hope your medical stuff goes away soon, in any case.
My friends are mostly of the “drink until you’re too drunk to stand up” variety, which is odd as I’ve never really been into that.
I’m presently making a concerted effort to meet people who aren’t drinkers. There certainly are plenty of them around, they just tend not to be hanging out in the “usual” places.
Oh, my other weirdness is that I don’t drive. That’s medical rather than choice too (not blind, but close enough that driving would be dangerous) and most of the western world has evolved assuming that *of course* everybody drives a car. Being able to say “blind” avoids much questioning about it, but it imposes some pretty serious costs, both economic and opportunity.
I think there are certain areas (urban, for the most part) where driving isn’t seen as quite as crucial, but yes, there are lots of assumptions about driving and having access to a car.
Applause x 2 Amy, great article!
I am a very light drinker, more of a social wine with dinner, or maybe a Friday night glass of red or imported beer.
I hated the taste of alcohol when i turned 18 (legal drinking age in Australia) and i remember how ‘alien’ that was to other guys, never or rarely to girls though. I think drinking is a macho type acceptance thing in a way and following the masses into what is normal. I probably was affected by that for about, say 5 minutes, ok maybe 10 minutes in my life! I am so glad i had what i wanted to and no more the majority of the time!
The drinking culture is big in Australia still, but i think there is some more refined sections of the community now who enjoy the odd drink instead of drinking to get sloshed!
I suspect i may be one of those Aussie (hopefully ‘nice’ 😉 ) friends who spent “a fair amount of time at the pub” when in UK. For me, visiting the pub in England was always either about the socialising, the dancing, the music (love and miss the music 🙂 you, Ireland and Mikey rekindled my love of music in that season of life), or about just being able to go to the pub and not drink! That is such a foreign concept here in Australia. Pubs here are mostly all about drink drink drink, and i have hardly found any i have ever liked here so very rarely go. There are only a few old school pubs around and live music is becoming rarer unfortunately. I miss going up to the ‘Holly Bush’ or The Spaniards Inn in Hampstead and being able to sit there with a pint and read a book or something for hours and not feel bothered by anyone or frowned upon by the staff to drink or leave!
Anyways, Happy 10 years since we met on that first night of Haggis in Scotland!! hope we can meet up again soonish.. Hi to Y…
Matt, you are the nicest of the nice friends. 🙂 But I feel like our little group of people from Haggis etc. were so welcoming, friendly, and supportive. I never had moments of awkwardness around that group, always felt included, and feel lucky to have met everyone.
Has it really been 10 years?!?! Happy anniversary to us!
I have the same thing with being vegan, because, like your reasons for not drinking, my reasons are not typical. There’s no religious thing, it’s not for the sake of animals, and it’s really kind of a blurry mess of all the other reasons. Recently I started a thread in a general foodie forum for vegan recipes, with a disclaimer at the start that the wasn’t for for asking general vegan questions and was just for recipes. Of course it came to questions of “why bla bla bla”, and when I responded tersely with “you should google for that” (because there are a whole bucket of different reasons and every single one of them starts a frustrating argument that every long-term vegan has already had a hundred times and most have no interest in having) I got harangued for being “one of those snippy judgemental vegans that’s why people hate vegans bla bla bla”. I wasn’t being judgemental or trying to persuade anyone else of anything, I was just trying to not have an argument, and in so doing I somehow started six more arguments!
I also drink very little for similar reasons (“I don’t like to, I don’t like the feeling, I don’t like the taste in quantity, I don’t like the behavioural effects of drunkenness”) and it causes the same sort of problems – it’s not something I bring up, I don’t start an argument about it, people insistently ask why I don’t want to drink and then if I give in and answer they take it as something judgemental about them. I honestly don’t care if people drink unless it makes them act like a complete prick (drunk driving, infidelity, violence) but somehow my choice not to do it becomes an insult to other people. Like, as a non-drinking vegan I must think you’re an animal-murdering drunk-driving face-stabber for not making the same choices.
It strikes me just now that this reaction is very similar to a thing recently where someone lightheartedly remarked about their mother sleeping with the guy she was dating, and she flipped out and took it as if she was being called a prostitute and started calling everyone else out on their “sluttish” behaviour. Nobody else was being judgmental about it at all, but because she had been quietly judging other people for their “sluttish” actions (in having extra-marital sex) for years, she assumed everyone else was doing the same about her internal hypocrisy. Which makes me wonder, maybe a lot of heavy drinkers actually quietly feel judgmental about their own behaviour, and project that insecurity onto others?
(Also here from theferrett, and also, like an earlier commenter, from the UK – he’s right that the drinking culture there is really really strong. I’ve also lived in Australia, and I’d say the UK’s drinking culture is stronger – Australia drinks socially, the UK drinks to get drunk socially. The US also drinks to get drunk but far less universally.)
Could be worse; it could be Russia. 🙂
I think there’s a lot of truth to what you’re saying; people seem to get a lot angrier about other people’s behavior when they feel uncomfortable justifying their own behavior or secret desires. This seems to most be the case where there’s a social pressure to conform; I’m thinking of the anti-homosexuality crusaders that everyone mutters “closet case” around, and so on.
I think it’s easy to come to the conclusion that because someone has made a choice about something, that means they look down upon everyone who hasn’t made the same choice. I try really hard not to be like that, although of course I’m not perfect.
Take my paragraph about the behaviors I saw from drunk people that I didn’t want to emulate. Because I’m not falling over backwards to tell people that, no, I don’t think everyone who drinks does those things, the default assumption is that I’m judging everyone who drinks. Therefore it becomes difficult to even discuss, since I did form my decision based on negative behavior I observed, but if I dare to mention there was ever negative behavior, that instantly labels me as a judgmental bitch.
Yes, I was aware of my comment containing some of that same judgement *of the effects of alcohol* that is easily parsed as judgement of everyone who partakes. I figured I didn’t need to disclaimer it away in this particular context. 🙂
Also came over from Ferrett. 😉
I completely understand your not drinking. I didn’t for a while. (and I’m not suggesting you’ll change – please don’t think I am). My best friend doesn’t drink any alcohol and hasn’t even tried any – no religious thing, just personal reasons. I remember my mother being mortified because she’d made some brandy-marinated strawberries that she’d put on a cake, and my friend grabbed one not realizing it had brandy in it – she ate it and then commented it tasted funny, and my mother was like “oh! I’m so sorry dear! That has alcohol!” and my friend politely put the rest of the strawberries down, then giggled and said “well, that was my first and only taste of alcohol, congrats for witnessing it.”
I grew up in a family of alcoholics. I grew up seeing licenses suspended, friendships ruined, verbal abuses, etc.
I started college young. I was surrounded by people who encouraged me to enjoy being young, party, drink, have a great time. I used to take a respectful glass of champagne at a wedding/birthday/special occasion… and then pour it down the sink when nobody was watching. I used to accept a beer, pretend to take a swig, and again, pour it down the sink.
I felt like i needed to pretend to drink. And I’d taste it – beer, wine, champagne – I did and do still think it tastes disgusting.
Besides tiny sips – I didn’t drink any alcohol really before my 21st birthday. It was very available, very encouraged – but I didn’t drink any.
Once I could go to bars, I had no problem being designated driver. I started to try mixed drinks – sipping on other people’s to experiment. I found my niche, finally. Alcohol I actually enjoy the taste of – and that I enjoy the feel of.
I do drink, nowadays. Not beer, wine, champagne, etc… I drink vodka, tequila or rum and I drink it mixed with very particular things. I do get buzzed but I’ve never fallen over drunk, gotten sick, started a fight, or done something I was embarrassed about…
…and I have no tolerance for people who do. That’s what weirds people out.
If someone is a jerk, a belligerent drunk – I don’t excuse them the next morning because they were drunk. I tell them they were an asshole, and I never want to see them that drunk again.
I never excuse behavior under the influence – you either handle your influence or you don’t, and if you don’t, I have no tolerance for your behavior.
My boyfriend and his roommates drink quite a bit – and at a party they all got a little stupid and mean. And the next morning, the other girlfriends, the friends, everybody else shrugged it off.
I demanded apologies. I was like “hey, you were verbally abusive to your girlfriend. fucking apologize. honey, you kept making fun of me, and nobody thought you were funny but you kept doing it. apologize – and either don’t drink around me or control yourself when you do.”
He controls himself when he does. He knows I don’t give alcohol a free pass. I never have.
As for choices I made that make people defensive –
-vegetarian
-neo-pagan
-nude modelling
that’s all I can think of. Sorry I just went on about booze. I understand not drinking – and now that I do, I’m acutely aware of making sure I don’t become “addicted” like my family members have. I’m careful with my use of it, and other substances. But yeah – I don’t give people the benefit of “drunk”. 😉
And I dig you. Happy Backbone! 😉
I like your attitude. And I’m with you on this. A jerk is a jerk is a jerk. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, like you had a crap day or got really bad news or something. But I think people should basically be held responsible for their actions. Does this make me old fashioned?
I’ll be 30 this fall and don’t drink.
I have drank in the past, though never more than some social drinking (which included being drunk twice but zero hangovers). I had good reasons for never drinking (dad was possibly alcoholic, my own somewhat addictive tendencies, my conservative ethics) but chose to do so anyway. I never drank to the level of most people I know, probably because I hate beer and thus can’t drink cheaply.
As I got older I drank less and less, to the point where some people I knew thought I didn’t drink at all because they’d never seen me drink. I considered swearing off drinking entirely and some time in the last year basically did so. I haven’t declared I will never have a drink ever again, but I’ve labelled myself a non-drinker indefinitely.
What made alcohol slowly lose it’s appeal (besides the cost and the limited varieties I actually like) was the realization that alcohol didn’t really do anything for me. (Yes, it relaxed me on some social occasions, but I have also loosened up in general over time and become a little more socially comfortable when stone cold sober.) Drinking didn’t make me feel different it just made me feel more of whatever I was already feeling. It didn’t change my mood; it only accentuated whatever mood I was in. Some people I know think I’m an angry drunk because the first time I got drunk I tried to start a fight. Except I despised the guy I tried to start the fight with; I’d not got into a fight with him sober because I’m not an aggressive person (not aggressive enough, depending on your point of view).
But that’s only what got me to drink very rarely. What got me to give it up entirely was the realization that I’m surrounded by semi-alcoholics. By the quantity they drink only a few of them are alcoholics in the traditional sense that they should seriously consider AA. But it’s not just the 20-somethings who get roaring drunk on a weekly basis. It’s the 40-something and 50-somethings that “need” to drink. If they’re at a party they “need” to have a beer. After a long exhausting day, they “need” to have a beer. While watching sports they “need” to have a beer. It’s not a need in the true alcoholic sense, but it’s a habit that grew to irk me. The realization of being the only one at a party not drinking made me want to drink LESS.
It’s one thing when you’re 20 and all your peers are drinking because hey that’s what adolescent do. It’s another thing when you’re 30 and surrounded mostly by people old enough to have given birth to you AND THEY’RE ALL STILL DRINKING.
There is absolutely no way I could have traveled through Europe as cheaply as I did if I did drink. I’ve always looked on that as a bonus.
I’m kind of the same way about sugar. If I’m having a hard day, I want an extra treat. Like maybe some chocolate or an extra cookie or something. But I try to limit this because the implications are disturbing.
Another person who found you via ferrett.
I do drink, but my partner doesn’t (he used to but realized he doesn’t know when to stop), so I understand and appreciate both sides of that coin. For me, it’s one of the best pain relievers there is; an amaretto and water does as good a job as the narcotics I’m prescribed, and the side effects are non-existent (unlike the drugs).
But there are a lot of things about me that people question… I’m bisexual and polyamorous, which people don’t get. I am often asked when I’m going to ‘pick a side’ or grow out of this phase (at 45 it isn’t happening), but that’s how I’m wired, and I have wonderful relationships just as I am.
Then there’s appearance; I’ve had a mohawk for 32 years now (these days it’s dark purple) and I dress like a goth/rivethead/punk. People don’t believe I’m 45, that I dress this way all the time, that I could hold down a job and be a freak (in my community that’s not a perjorative). I also don’t wear pants or shoes without heels – I’m more comfortable in skirts and pumps, my gait is more steady and less painful, and the “dainty punk” aesthetic works for me.
I love the idea of a “dainty punk.” It captures the imagination, and kudos to you for doing what makes you comfortable.
Also, asking you when you’ll pick a side? Ugh. So very rude.
That’s in the top 10 most commonly asked questions by reporters & curious onlookers alike about being poly. I’m constantly asked which one I “love more” or which one would I choose if I had to pick one, or if I think I’ll over grow out of this phase.
Ugh.
Some responses to that are:
Do you think you’ll ever grow out of being straight?
Do you think you’ll ever grow out of being monogamous?
Who do you love more, your first child or your second?
If you had to choose one, which of your kids would you keep?
Great responses! I like the turn-around.
I’m finding that putting people on the spot in the position they’re trying to put me in does a couple of things. First, it gives them a way to empathize with me. Second, it forces them to realize that they’ve never really examined many of their default choices and can lead to making more deliberate choices in the future. Third, when someone is being annoying, I like making them feel uncomfortable as penalty 🙂
I’ve used similar responses with people; most frequently something along the lines of when did you decide you were hetero. But I also stopped giving a shit what other people thought when I was at all a teenager, so if the person is being an ass I often don’t bother.
Yeah, I don’t so much as care what people think about me, as I care what our society looks like. And challenging stereotypes and assumptions is one way to make changes in the direction I want to see them go.
I do try to challenge stereotypes whenever I think I’ll make a difference; something about the asshat ‘tourists’ sets me off enough that they’re not worth my time/energy.
I definitely agree that there are people who are not worth my time/energy because I will not make a difference. But I also engage in these kinds of debates, not to change the mind of the person I’m talking to, but to reach all the fence-sitters who are listening/reading. There are far more of them for every 1 person I argue with.
Getting regular emails from people who have appreciated me standing up on their behalf when they were too timid to do it themselves, or from people who overheard one of my arguments & had a change of heart or was introduced to a new concept gives me the motivation to keep doing this.
I also do not drink at all. And, like you, my reasons have changed over the years. I grew up in a neighborhood rife with teenage drug & alcohol abuse, so I also have the same dislike for public stupidity and the same desire to own my mistakes. I refused to ever get *drunk* because I wanted the responsibility of saying that this mistake was one I made consciously. I refused to ever get drunk because I never wanted to forget something I did. I refused to ever get drunk because I didn’t want to say hurtful things or to need to rely on getting drunk as a crutch to be social (I am also painfully shy).
Note, I said “refused to ever get drunk”. I used to drink alcohol. So I was, and am, clearly differentiating between having an alcoholic drink and losing control. Even when I used to have a drink or two at parties, I would still get the same grilling, reactions of astonishment, and pressure to “just try it” simply because I never got drunk.
When I discovered that I was allergic to alcohol and gave it up entirely, thereby having a non-judgmental reason for abstaining, not only did the reactions not stop or lessen, they got worse. I stopped drinking alcohol entirely because I have an unpleasant allergic reaction to it and I never liked the taste well enough to justify forcing myself through that allergic reaction, the way some people I know are allergic to chocolate but have a bite now and then anyway because it tastes so good to them.
But instead of honoring a medical condition, I still get all the same negative reactions you get, only more now because before, even though my reasons for not getting drunk could be seen as judgmental, I still had a drink in my hand, so I was not seen as all that different (I suspect those who gave me a hard time about not getting drunk, vs. not drinking, were probably too drunk themselves to remember to carry on the argument for very long).
I don’t mind people inquiring when I do something different. I enjoy teaching opportunities and I enjoy broadening people’s horizons. What I mind is the continued pressure to do something I have clearly stated I do not want to do (regardless of the reason – I don’t want to do it and a “no” should be enough of a reason), and I mind the sheer incredulous reaction to something that is actually very healthy for both my body and my sense of self. Doing something healthy should be reacted to with approval, not incredulousness.
I mind that reaction because it’s a symptom of a deeper social problem that doesn’t see anything wrong with getting blind, stinking drunk, that doesn’t see anything wrong with making bad decisions and then not taking responsibility for them, that doesn’t see anything wrong with imbibing an element that does clear damage to the body, that doesn’t see anything wrong with using a crutch as a social lubricant, and that DOES see something wrong with making a personal decision to avoid something that has a serious side effect (yes, I mixed the pro-drunk people with the pro-drinking people – both are symptoms of a serious flaw in our society).
These people don’t insist that those with peanut allergies “just try this one”, so why on earth do they think it’s acceptable to tell someone with an alcohol allergy that she needs to just have a little alcohol to fit in? Being curious about someone who does things differently is fine. But expecting someone to justify their personal choices that are not being imposed on anyone else, being astonished even after a perfectly reasonable explanation has been given, and pressuring someone to go against their explicit wishes even after having been given an explanation for why they don’t wish to is more than rude. With certain activities, it’s even criminal.
As to your actual question, some other things that I am/do that make me different are: I am polyamorous. People think that means I’m promiscuous, that I can’t commit, or that my relationships are shallow.
I am atheist. People think that means I’m angry at their gods, that I just haven’t read the correct version of their holy text, or that I arrogantly claim to have all the answers of the universe.
I am a female in a male-dominated field, a stagehand. People either think that I can’t hold my own in the field, or that I must be a ball-busting bitch.
I look very feminine but I wear men’s clothing, and not in an attempt to pass as male. People think that I am confused about my sexuality or my gender (really, it means that THEY are confused about my sexuality or gender – I know exactly who and what I am).
I also do not drink caffeine (again, for health reasons). People think that I must be tired all the time, or a Mormon, especially when they hear the no-alcohol, and the next 2 things.
I do not smoke. Some people think I’m a Mormon, some people think I must be a former smoker, some people think I’ll pick it up eventually, and some people think it’s OK to blow their smoke in my face.
I have never tried any illegal drug. People think I’m naive, or politically conservative, or maybe a recovering addict .
I like ballroom dancing. I don’t know what people think of me for this since they don’t usually tell me, but since I usually admit to this while wearing combat boots and BDU pants, I think people are mostly just jarred by cognitive dissonance, since I don’t think many people really see others as 3-D, multifaceted individuals.
I read. A lot. Like, you don’t understand how much I read. I have forgotten more books than the average US citizen will ever read in their entire lifetime, and I am only in my 30s. In this case, some of the assumptions that they make about me are true, but it seems to come with negative implications, like being all these things are bad. People think that I’m really smart, or that I’m shy, or that I wouldn’t be interested in more low-brow forms of entertainment.
The assumptions that are not true are that some people think that if I read a lot, I must have read “this” book or “that” author. Some people make assumptions about what types of books I like. Some people assume that I’m not also into other activities, particularly physical activities. For instance, many people are shocked to hear that, not only do I read, but I also rock climb, go camping, and enjoy target practice.
I also listen to country music. Most people assume that I like rock music (which I do) but everyone is surprised to find out that I also like country. When they hear that, they assume that I fit into a stereotype of drinking beer, monogamous relationships with cheating & fighting, cat-fighting over men, and wanting to enforce rigid, traditional gender roles. Learning that I like country music, but that I’m also poly, atheist, ballroom, feminist, and a reader is all just to jarring for most people, so they tend to forget that I listen to country music because it seems so out of character for all the other “liberal” things about me.
I don’t think that there’s anything at all about me that doesn’t strike some people as strange, or that come with negative assumptions.
Oh, I forgot to mention the whole child-free thing. I’m also intentionally child-free-by-choice and the assumptions I get about that are:
~I’ll grow out of that when my biological clock starts ticking.
~I must hate children.
~I’m selfish.
~I’ll change my mind later.
~I’ve been pressured into it by feminist propaganda.
~I must have a medical condition.
~I’m not a Whole Woman until I have children.
~I’m hiding my pain at not having kids behind a facade of “choosing” not to have children, probably because of pressure from some guy or a medical condition.
~I’ll change my mind when I actually find myself pregnant by accident.
~I’ll change my mind when I meet The Right Guy, who will awaken all these maternal instincts in me that are just deeply hidden.
Grr, I’ll stop now before I go on a rant that really ought to be a blog post in my own blog.
You bring up a very interesting point. I think you’re right, I don’t actually mind if people ask me about it. What I don’t like is what sometimes comes after the question: when people try to change my mind, don’t take no for an answer, or tell me how much more fun I would be if I’d do what they want.
Yeah, I often find that the question itself is an indicator of something more important than the question. Many times, the question reveals more about the questioner than the answer reveals about me. And it’s that revelation about the questioner that I usually have a problem with, because it’s so rarely a simple curiosity about something new or different.
I see several people mentioning the “childfree” option as a choice that invites rude questions. There is also the opposite situation, which hasn’t happened to me but to my friends who have 5 children: why so many? People are extremely judgmental about this, as if this mom is somehow single-handedly bringing about global warming and the destruction of the rain forests or something.
My weird life choice is that I don’t answer my phone. I’ve had one friend who came close to dumping me because I wouldn’t buy a cell phone and she couldn’t have me at her beck and call 24/7. I long for the days when people wrote letters, but the real reason I despise phones is that I hate to be interrupted. Those diabolical little machines have created a society where people expect their most trivial of thoughts or questions to receive an instant response. I refuse to drop what I am doing and run in a panic because a machines rings a bell at me. Also, it seems to me a person who is actually present in the room with me should take precedent over anybody else of my acquaintance who happens to know my number.
You know, I think I’ve seen a lot more people have that attitude towards cell phones — it’s my own more and more, as well. Ringing a loud alarm to get my immediate attention feels to me like something you do if it’s an emergency, not something you do in order to talk. (And since my cell phone doubles as a pager, that’s perhaps doubly true)
I think that people’s responses to this sort of attitude have been changing over the years, too. When I first started to do this, about five or six years ago, lots of people were annoyed and gave me trouble around it. But over the past few years I’ve noticed more and more people moving that way themselves, and more people being cautious about calling other people as well. Hopefully this is something that’s going to change; the “you must be available at zero notice 24/7” attitude was a pain in the ass.
I forget about my phone, which is maybe almost as bad. Like, I forget to turn the ringer on if I’ve turned it off at some point to avoid interruptions. And also, I forget to respond to texts. And I always feel bad about answering my phone when spending social time with someone else, so I’ll only do it if there’s been massive amounts of phone tag going on, or something important that can be resolved quickly (which translates to hardly ever).
OTOH, I communicate with most people over the internet anyway. I spend very little time on the phone.
Just occurred to me that a deliberate lifestyle choice I’ve made which I sometimes have to explain and defend is to not buy a house.
I’m Australian, and owning your house is a huge deal here. It’s assumed that of course everybody wants to own a house, and if you don’t then you’re crazy. I’ve made what I feel is a rational decision based on a whole variety of factors, but there’s an emotional response to the idea that someone is okay with not following the groupthink on this and it can get surprisingly heated at times.
Another choice I have to defend is my decision not to take advantage of every possible tax rebate or government hand-out. There are things I could claim, but don’t, because I can afford not to. The idea that a person who is (for example) eligible for a taxi concession card would actively choose not to apply for or use one routinely freaks out the taxi drivers I meet.
The common perception is that if you make a choice to not play min/max games with your taxes and other government programs then you’re at best a fool, at worst a complete nutjob. My ethical decision not to take things I don’t need seems to mark me as “unAustralian”.
I get that about not wanting to own too. Even telling people that I *did* own a house, so I know exactly what’s involved and I never want to go through that again doesn’t stop the negative judgement or attempts to convince me that I’m wrong.
It’s kind of ironic that it marks you as un-Australian, when technically, people not claiming every tax break they have would benefit society as a whole…
I also don’t particularly care if I own a house. Sure, it’d be nice to have a yard to landscape, otherwise… meh.
I didn’t drink alcohol until I was in my midthirties, so I get completely what you’re talking about. My friends generally had no problem with it. The thing I didn’t like was the assumption that I should always come along to be the designated driver!
Then, in my midthirties, I discovered that I really liked certain wines, and, much to the amusement of longtime friends, took up drinking the grape.
I’m glad I didn’t start until I did. I have no urge to drink to excess–although the thought does cross my mind after a particularly challenging workday–and really do it because I like the taste. It’s also a part of being a developing foodie, paying special attention to these small good things in life that can be savored.
Obviously, given my background, I have no problem with people who choose not to drink, regardless of reasons. Coincidentally, I was already thinking about blogging about the strange way I stumbled into drinking after years of abstinence when you posted this. If anyone’s interested, check it out at http://scottmpearson.wordpress.com/
I also came from a family of alcoholics. I mean, my grandfather (and his brothers-in-law) are known to hold their alcohols when everybody were long gone. They all died so close together that when an aunt used that excuse over and over, they would not believe her. Their deaths was because of alcohol, by the way.
Basically, I used to fear alcohol. Then I reached my teens when I want to take a sip. Obviously, I take occasional bottles when I would try my limits (my limit would be two bottles of a sweet drink) and only in my home. I don’t drink often. In fact, my dad teased me for being a light weight (he could hold his liquor that would make my grandpa–his father-in-law–proud). They think I inherited my tendency to drink from him. My brother won’t touch liquor at all even though he recently turned 21.
Now, I’m not afraid of it anymore. I realized that I don’t like alcohol that much at all (though I drink sometimes). My friends in college wondered why I don’t drink with them. For one, I want to drive home. For another, I used to have a wild side (not anymore much when I embraced my fun side). Besides, why would I need alcohol to be happy when I’m in my constant state of happiness?
The friends I hang out with were older than my parents. That means I get to have fun without having to resort to alcohol. We laugh and dance all night–sober–when we have a chance.
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Oh, I saw this and thought of you! 🙂 Looks delish.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/c-and-o-trattoria-marina-del-rey
Or ya-know, the wrong link. *sigh* sorry. Here it is, it’s a neat spritzer recipe.
http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/beverage/drink-recipe-rosemary-citrus-spritzer-148624
Yum. Amy, we should try to make this sometime… especially once the new trees get old enough to provide fruit.
That looks like an amazing recipe! And as a substitute for mimosas at brunch… hmm…
Thank you for posting this, Amy. We don’t know each other, but our backgrounds are similar. My mother is an alcoholic and my step father drank himself to death. I am a 20-year-old teetotaler who has felt very alone in the world where drinking is a social expectation. And being a college student, I’m faced with the “WHY?s” a great deal.
I don’t like spending time with people who are drinking or smoking – the behavior that results from substance intake just makes me sick. (I guess you could liken my reaction to the reaction a vegetarian would have toward someone stuffing his or her face with a hunk of meat right in front of him or her.)
I get so angry with people who try to convince me that drinking ‘in moderation’ is okay. To me, drinking at all is absurd. I refuse to intoxicate myself so that I may be a ‘partner in crime’ as Eric put it. And people who know I don’t drink say I stand there at parties judging them. Damn right I do. (To those of you reading this who frown and ask “who is she to judge?”, consider this: by drinking, you willingly weaken yourself to have fun. Regardless of whether or not you realize it, you give me my superiority. I’m the one who is 100% in control of myself. I’m the one who assumes partial if not total responsibility for your actions. You may think: What a bitch she is to show up to parties and stand there in the corner sipping a Pepsi while having no fun at all. My rebuttal: If only you all would socialize without substance assistance, I wouldn’t have to come to parties I disapprove of just so that I have little bit of a social life.)
It will come as no surprise that I am a loner. I’m not religious so I don’t fit in with those who abstain because of faith. I have a family of three people including myself, and I’m the only one who doesn’t get wasted every week. I rarely attend social functions, and apart from playing cello in an orchestra, I spend most of my time in my room, studying so I can continue getting straight A’s.
I’ve been searching for people who understand how I feel and don’t attack me for my extremism. I’m so glad I stumbled on this blog/forum. It is such a relief to vent.
College is possibly the very worst. It doesn’t disappear afterwards, and I think it depends a lot what your social scene is, but in college it can be really hard to avoid alcohol if you’re not into it. My freshman year, I signed up to live in the “substance free” building, only to find that many people in that building hadn’t signed up for that and had just been stuck in where there was room–not exactly the vibe I was expecting!
Also in college I found there was more of the “you must be religious” assumptions going on, which could be frustrating.
I think it’s really hard when you’ve witnessed the very worst of what alcohol can do and had it tear apart your family and life, to relax in situations in which most people are drinking to get drunk. And that especially hard core style of drinking sometimes seems like almost a college rite of passage.
I’ve been there, Lauren. Man, have I been there. Hang in there.
Your not alone. I’m pretty much in the same boat as you, except only my mother was an alcoholic. I say only, but one parent is definitely enough. I’m not very religious, but decided to become active at a church in order to find people that didn’t drink. It was still quite difficult. I mask my lack of faith very well except for the non-drinking part. Whenever I’m at a college party with my church friends, people always bring up the fact that Jesus also drank. Since the people giving me this “advice” are usually inebriated, and I don’t like arguing with a drunk, my reply is usually, “I don’t care.” This usually leaves them with a loss of words, which is fine by me.
There’s also that Christian thing where you’re not supposed to judge others. My not drinking by moral choice automatically means that I judge those that do drink at a drinking party for the same reasons you stated in your third paragraph. What they fail to realize is that they are judging me for being judgmental. Funny how things go.
In any case, there are guys who are going through similar things. There has to be. I’m one of them. I’m glad you got to vent. Reading your post helped me a bunch. I hope this helps you.
Nick, your response made me smile. I am glad that my response helped you.
Have you ever wondered what the world would be like without self-medication? What would people do if they actually had to face their problems instead of consuming man-made easy-outs? Would we be so quick to judge others who are judging us? Would overcoming more obstacles create a stronger human race?
I consider religion to be nothing more than an explanation for the unknown and alcohol to be an excuse for any form of behavior. I’m learning to be more tolerant of others’ views and consumption, but I still refuse to conform. I don’t even take cold medication unless I really need to; in order to say, breathe.
I wish you luck finding others like you, Amy and me. I wish there was some sort of town or refuge we could go to to escape the obnoxious indulgers in our lives. But in the meantime, feel free to write to me if ever you need to vent.
My choice to be different is one my boyfriend and I made together – we don’t watch TV and haven’t since 2006. We do watch DVDs, but we’re not connected to a TV aerial or any kind of subscription package.
The first question people ask is usually “So you don’t pay the TV licence, then?” in a slightly accusatory tone. I’ve actually perfected the art of glazing over and explaining in a monotone that no, you don’t have to pay the TV licence if you’re not watching TV, and yes I did check this before I stopped paying it, and yes I have told the TV license people (even though I don’t have to), and no you don’t need a licence to listen to the radio that’s why it’s called a TV licence.
After that they ask why, to which I reply that we weren’t watching it anyway because there’s nothing but crap on. And you know what? Most people agree with me, but to my knowledge none of them have ever made the choice to stop watching TV themselves.
It’s interesting; I stopped watching TV a long time ago (early 90’s?) for pretty much the same reasons, and at first I was the only person I knew like this. But sometime around eight years ago, I started to notice that more and more of my friends had done the same, and by now most of the people I know seem to be in this category. There was no attempt to explicitly select for this, or to seek out other like-minded people; it just seems to have become more common. I suspect that it’s a regional thing.
I honestly don’t know anyone else who doesn’t watch TV. No one that admits it, anyway.
We are kindred no-TV spirits! I guess most people I know *do* watch TV, now that I think about it. But I do know several people who do the DVD/online thing like I do. Maybe it’s a geography thing??
People care that you don’t have cable? Really?
My first two years of college I lobbied hard to not have a TV in the common area of our apartments. By junior year I pretty much gave up, but having those two years was great–more socializing, more talking, and if there was a particular show I wanted to watch (there wasn’t, I was so sick of TV at that point), I could have easily watched at a neighbor’s or in a housemate’s bedroom.
I haven’t had cable since I got my own place in late 2005. One of the things I liked about my husband (who commented above) is that he didn’t watch tons of TV either. Now we’re like you–we watch DVDs or download the shows we really want to watch. I do watch more shows than I used to. Buffy was my gateway drug, and after I watched that in 2005-2006 I started picking and choosing other shows. But I have no real desire for cable. It doesn’t usually come up, except on the rare occasions that people begin discussing TV commercials, and then I have no idea what they’re talking about. 🙂
I think they care because watching TV as it’s being broadcast is illegal in the UK unless you have a TV Licence. But what you actually do and don’t need the licence for isn’t particulary advertised (don’t want to miss out on the money from all the people who think they need one, right?). You don’t need one if you only watch DVDs, play on consoles, and watch on demand services, but most people don’t know that. So most people assume that because we have a TV set, we’re breaking the law.
Then I explain it to them, and they just think it’s weird. There seems to be this inability to understand that I just don’t enjoy it.
Oh yeah. I did notice that the TV licence seemed to be a much bigger deal than I would have thought….
My friend posted this on her own page, and it led me here. I love how you don’t give an answer like anybody else’s that I’ve ever heard. And it follows a standard I set for myself after watching my brother dope himself up on whatever he could find to ignore the pain he felt that our mom passed away and that my dad wasn’t a father figure for him, me, or our little sister. But every time he or his friends would “pass the cup” I’d tell them to forget it. Your reason is the same reason that I told them no, but with the words I couldn’t find before.
I also experience a lot of rude comments from people because I choose to be a vegetarian. People telling me, “You haven’t eaten meat in X months, just have some this one time with me.” It’s the same routine as with drinking or drugs, just a different topic.
Good for you for sticking to what you want to do, on both fronts!
It’s nice to feel understood. I also drink rarely, and get tired of explaining myself to others who are completely mystified. When I was in power-dating mode, it was a recurring conversation.
One of my friends doesn’t like chocolate, which has somewhat the same effect. He finds it too much work to explain he why doesn’t like it, so he just claims to be allergic.
Really? Chocolate? I guess I can see that, but I’ve know people who don’t like chocolate and it’s never seemed like a big deal. But I guess chocolate lovers do get pretty into their passion….
I can only imagine those conversations while power dating, because I bet it came up almost every time. Ouch.
I love this post, and I am so inspired by the way you stand up for what you believe. I’ve had a similar experience when I tell people that I prefer celibacy. Dangit, I’m going to have to blog about that now, aren’t I?
At any rate, I made that particular choice after some ugly things happened to me. I made a vow to myself (the most important kind you can make, imho) that I would no longer have casual sex. That I, in fact, would wait until I and my prospective partner were in love with one another. People have told me I’m a prude or that I just decided that because I was fat and ugly or a religious nut. I explain it this way: There is no 100% birth control other than abstinence. I don’t think sex is dirty. It’s important to me and should be respected. People have been stripping it of its beauty and respect for centuries, but it creates LIFE. It doesn’t get more awesome than that, right?
I think what it boils down to is this: in an ideal world, each individual should have control over what they choose to do (or not do) with their own bodies. Good for you for honoring your own feelings!
Awesome attitude. I hate the way yhat sex had been turned into something cheap. I view it as an expression of love and as a man I am often ridiculed for it. You’d post was refreshingFleetline1
Hi Amy,
I practically stumbled into your blog here because I googled “free spirit”. I’ve been told that I am one and I’m still not quite sure what it means, but it fits the bill to a “T”. I was also amazed to read that you don’t drink. I used to be an alcholic, and I use the term, “used to be” because I refuse to conform to the rules of AA. Rather I choose to follow what Jesus teaches… that I can be set free. Therefore, I have been free for 5 years and counting. Anyway, I can relate to the awkward moments of people realizing my choice to be a teetotaler. Almost to the point that I wish I could drink again! I’m so thankful for your blog because you have taught me that I need to be my own self… a non-conformist and free spirit! Cheers!!
I’m so glad to hear the blog has been helpful to you! It can be hard to make choices outside of the norm, but I know it helps me to hear other people’s stories about making similar choices.
Thanks so much for this! I came across this post because I was actually trying to find the answer to the question – Why can people not respect my boundaries when it comes to alcohol? And then, voila!
I sometimes think it would be easier if I just didn’t drink at all. And maybe part of the reason I do drink is because my slow and reluctant start at it made me feel insecure and like maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with my development as a human being because I never learned how.
I do drink on occasion. I kind of stick to the sweet, creamy, or frozen type things. By I have tried to branch out a little over the years because it seemed to be the thing to do and because my reluctance seemed informed mostly by fear of embarrassment. Not knowing the drinking/ordering etiquette and so on. Apparently my liking for White Zinfandel is something I should never admit to in public. (WTH?) Anyway.
But what irks me is the fact that people who do drink – who looooooove to drink and get stupid and sing karaoke and so on – feel that it is both their right and their challenge to step up to to figure out how to convince me to get drunk. Even when I am fine and buzzed already. As if I just need to discover the magical virtues of the experience and suddenly I will be a changed woman. I’m 32. I don’t see that happening. I enjoy a buzz occasionally but I do not enjoy not knowing how I’m going to get home and I do not enjoy being drunk in public with people I don’t know well and/or don’t quite trust. If I feel like being drunk I usually do not feel like sharing the experience with other people. I just want to lay down and watch tv or something.
But therein lies the insecurity part. Because I am also not a fan of large crowds, other drunk people, being embarrased in public, making a spectacle of myself, singing in public or otherwise drawing lots of attention to myself when I know I am not in control of my actions or words.
Which seems to imply that something is wrong with me to many people.
I actually find that mostly people are cool with my drinking or not drinking but it does seem to be a point of issue with guys especially if I don’t think of drinking as entertainment in and if itself. Especially when the point of it is to get stupid. Typically I find food and good company much more entertaining.
But I do have my things that I really, really enjoy and I want to share with everyone I meet, so I get it. Actually, reading all the comments kind of turned my little silent, internal rant around on itself and reminded me that I may have some of the same tendencies about other things that I like to do. And also that there are things that other people choose to do or not do that I may judge without really thinking about. That was kind of a neat little full circle thing that happened as I read.
Other things that set me apart (I feel like most everything, really): I don’t enjoy sports at all; I don’t like to get dressed up for Halloween, etc (this one seems odd but I feel I’m in the minority here); I am agnostic moving towards atheist in a predominantly Christian state (country?); I work night shift and even among my coworkers I am the odd person out because I keep that schedule on my days off; I collect Asian Ball Joint Dolls, which I don’t feel insecure about at all but apparently people find them creepy; I keep a journal and I write in it in public (that freaks people out – they assume I’m writing about them); and I like to spend time by myself (a lot – introvert solidarity).
I think I was pretty much primed by my parents to always be the odd ball.
It’s nice, though, to have some reassurance that maybe my decision to not be a heavy and active social drinker is not some kind of odd failure on my part but just a perfectly reasonable preference.
🙂
That’s a great point, Suzanne. We all have things we are passionate about, that we will speak about with great enthusiasm and perhaps try to interest other people in. For some people, that thing is alcohol. But certainly there are many other interests that people try to get others involved in.
So perhaps the lesson here is to try to remember that just because I think something is the most fantastic thing ever, that doesn’t mean everybody else will agree.
Also, it freaks people out that you write a journal and sometimes do it in public? Huh. I guess Harriet the Spy made people nervous that way too, but I didn’t ever think of that being *real*.
Yes, yes and thrice yes! Thank you for writing this!
I’m a lifelong teetotaller, and I’m not happy about it. I feel kind of like the main characters in the Donald Sutherland version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers – I know a lot of my social anxieties and inferiority/superiority complexes would be greatly eased if I gave in and joined the Others… but I just can’t do it. It’s simply not me. And besides, why should I? Nobody has to explain why they don’t do coke or E. I swear, it’s easier to “come out” as gay (or bi, in my case) than teetotal.
Tired of feeling alone in a crowd. Tired of feeling like a freak. Tired of being patronised. And goddamnit I’m tired of being treated like a frigging taxi service!
Ha! That’s fascinating that you found it easier to come out bi than to come out as not drinking alcohol.
Yeah, why should you indeed? We each get to make our own decisions about what we want to do. Even if those decisions are a bit out of the ordinary. 🙂
I’m a little late to the Teetotaler party but better late than never, I suppose.
I was born/raised in Ireland. When I decided not to drink, it was as if I had committed the most horrific social faux pas. I got this question so many times I lost count: “Are you sick?” Apparently, the only reason for NOT drinking would be physical illness!
I stopped drinking because I hated the feeling after two beers* the next morning where it was as if all life and energy had been drained from me. No headaches, no vomiting, just BLEH. Lethargy to the power of infinity. I liked being active. I loved the morning time. I was involved in a lot of different sports back then.
One thing to realize is that drinking is woven into the fabric of Irish community. It’s not about getting wasted although that may be true of younger generations. Many, many years ago, people would go to their local store for animal feed, hardware, milk and bread and could also get a pint while they were there. The pub and shop were one and the same. While there, you would meet your neighbor and talk about the weather, the price of cattle, the new priest in town etc. Community happened alongside alcohol, not primarily because of it.
Someone else commented that when we enjoy something, we expect others to as well. It’s our nature. I’ll go one further and say that when we enjoy something and someone else does not, it shakes our identity and sense of self. We lose certainty. “Whaddya mean someone out there doesn’t like this? Wait – should I still like this? Has something changed and I didn’t know about it??” It’s similar to when we work to develop ourselves at something – sports, fitness, taking a class on a subject of some kind…in a sense, our striving for improvement or to go against the grain, holds a mirror up to OTHER people and they see their habits and nature reflected in our desire to progress, change and move on. It’s uncomfortable and they are either affirmed by it or scared.
Good for you on not drinking. I’ve slipped back and drink every now and then although I’m rarely in a pub. Not too many where I live anymore. I miss the social aspect of it but if alcohol were outlawed tomorrow, I think I’d survive.
(*Yes, I said two beers and yes, I said I’m from Ireland. I really am. I’m just from the shallow end of the national gene pool.)
Thanks, John. I think I’d have a lot more trouble not drinking if I lived in Ireland or the UK. As it was, when I lived there, I was already the girl from California so I think that made people more accepting of me having more differences (without it affecting their certainty in their own choices).
I try to remind myself all the time now that I get to make my own choices, and everyone else gets to do the same, and the two don’t necessarily have to be related to each other. Hopefully this helps me keep a more open mind–it’s something definitely worth striving for, in any case!
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I haven’t had a drink for almost twenty years. As I get older, I see the ravages from other people’s drinking. People always ask me how do I keep my skin so smooth and “young”. It’s from not pickling it with alcohol.
Can’t wait to see if this “trick” works for me too! 🙂
Well, I only discovered this post eight months after you wrote it, because I was reading your blog after meeting you at ConFusion. I’m sad about that, because I would have liked to have discussed it with you in person.
Like you, I’m a committed teetotaler, and we share some of the same reasons. My wife and I have known each other for almost nine years, and she’s seen me “drink” exactly once. I took a really small sip out of my champagne glass at the end of the Best Person’s toast at our wedding.
When I first started going to cons, people thought it was a little weird, but now everyone just knows that I don’t drink. A good friend of mine that was holding a cocktail party this weekend even made a point of letting me know that there would be “mocktails” because she wanted me to show up.
I still get odd looks once in a while at work – I’m a sportswriter, and there is still a little of the fedora/cigar/beer tradition alive in that world. The fedoras have become symbolic these days, and so have a lot of the cigars, but the beer is still there. I just shrug, order a 7-Up and take part in the conversation.
So, how am I different from the mainstream? Same way you are, plus I wear a cowboy hat that my daughter despises. But that’s because she’s a 17-year-old daughter.
(It was nice meeting you this weekend, by the way.)
It was great meeting you too, Dave, and I’m hoping we’ll get to have that in-person conversation sometime in the future.
I have to say, I really adore people who go out of their way to provide me with some kind of interesting and non-alcoholic mocktail. Other friends have made an effort to make sure that they have sparkling cider around for me, and it definitely makes me feel loved and cared for.
I almost had to sip champagne at my wedding, too, because I had trouble locating the sparkling cider flutes. I actually have no problem with sipping–one sip isn’t really going to affect me at all–but inevitably, it tastes just awful to me. Which I suppose is an amusement factor for others if nothing else. 🙂
A bit late, but I think your post says what I’ve always wanted to say but never knew how to put it.
What’s surprising to me is how easily people ignore age when it comes to pressuring you to drink. My first year in college I could understand people assuming no one’s ever tried to get me to drink, but after 8 years, people still try to convince me like I haven’t heard every argument under the sun. Like others, I’ve also found the excuse of an alcohol intolerance and even the family history of alcoholism excuse doesn’t work. It seems only pregnancy and recovering alcoholic are reliable excuses (as a guy, I like to go with pregnancy if I want to be funny, recovering alcoholic if I want to seem like a badass). However, if my foodie friends ask, I like to bring up the story of the time I turned down a free glass of wine that was rated 100 points on the Robert Parker scale. That usually gets the point across.
The comments regarding gender differences in drinking are interesting. I always assumed men got more pressure because “manly drinks” often refers to drinks which taste like “pure” alcohol (martinis, manhattans, and whiskey), although I can definitely see how females might get the specific pressure to get drunk from guys trying to hit on them, while with guys, it’s often more a masculinity contest (whether it’s seeing who can drink who under the table, or who can eat spicier food).
My family’s Thai and I was always told growing up that in Thailand it’s almost unheard of for females to drink. I’ve even seen statistics suggesting that 80 to 90% of females in Thailand don’t drink (almost the reverse in the US). Even when it comes to food, the idea of cooking with alcohol is pretty rare (a Vietnamese chef once said fish sauce is like wine for SE Asians which is surprisingly insightful), so there’s a weird juxtaposition between the culture my parents grew up in and my own.
Huh. Those statistics about Thailand are very interesting as drinking becomes so much more related to gender than here in the States. (The attitudes here might stem from different reasons, but it seems clear from this thread that both men and women here experience pressure to drink.)
Also, I love that you give the pregnancy excuse. I would crack up if I overheard that. 🙂
Well, I know I’m very late to the discussion, but I really enjoyed your post as well as the intelligent discussion that followed. I’m also sorry to have invaded your space here, but I enjoyed your BIll Bryson book review so much, that I kept reading.
I didn’t touch alcohol until I was in my 30s. I started out avoiding it, as many here have, because of an alcoholic family member. My uncle is such an amazing person, and to see his intellect and body consumed by alcohol was frightening. He has been sober since the 70s now, and doing well.
I remember feeling judged and being judgemental. I was as bitter about drinkers as Lauren during college too. It seemed so pathetic that conversations consisted mainly of “oh my God, I was soooo drunk.” Like Lauren, I couldn’t separate drinking from intoxication, and saw the social lubricant factor as the only reason to drink. Watching people think they were hilarious was really pathetic. I have still only been drunk a few times, and I don’t like the feeling of diminished mentation.
The male/female issue is also interesting. I had always felt that it was tougher for men because you couldn’t be a real man if you didn’t drink.
I am glad that I went through the journey, because I am much better equipped to make the decision to drink or not. The funny thing is that I will still get judged for moderation. At this point in my life, I just don’t care. If people ask why I’m not having an alcoholic drink, I prefer the dismissive disdainful smirk, sort of a “seriously?!?!?” look. It usually shuts people up pretty well. I remember how defensive I used to get, which only made the drunks more tenacious.
The bottom line for me is that it’s my decision. I applaud those who are sticking with their guns on this, and I thank Amy for starting this discussion. I have chosen to drink in moderation, but I respect pure sobriety and have on more than one occasion stepped in when a teetotaler is being attacked. This is an enjoyable part of being a curmudgeon.
As a side note, I wonder how many here are introverts? It seems from many of the stories that the majority of us here are…
Hi Gurn. I enjoyed reading your comment – it’s nice to be understood. I also reread what I wrote almost a year ago. My life has changed drastically since June of 2011. I am currently an exchange student in Paris, France, the land of wine and cheese. I am proud to say I have yet to sip a drop of alcohol even though I am offered liquor whenever I go out. I celebrated my 21st birthday here in Paris with friends from school. Lucky me – and I’m not being sarcastic – I got to consume everybody’s glasses of unwanted water without judgement!
In general, I have found that Europeans are kinder than Americans when I say, “Non, merci”. Though I do get the occasional startled and/or embarrassed host, I am often considered cute for drinking “jus d’orange” at dinner.
I did, however, recently try smoking twice because: 1) I wanted to prove to myself that I was more open-minded than before I moved here and 2) I wanted to understand why my French boyfriend likes it so much. Both times I experienced no hacking, no wheezing, no crying nor pleasure worth making it a habit. (I tried twice to make sure it wasn’t some sort of beginner’s luck or fluke.) End results: I don’t smoke because I’ve been there, tried that, didn’t like it. Laughably, I don’t allow my boyfriend to smoke around me anymore; yet, in my presence, he can drink (in moderation) without making me upset. I guess this is because his behavior only changes when he smokes, not when he drinks.
Thus, I’ve discovered: I’m okay with a person’s consumption as long as it doesn’t noticeably affect his/her mental and motor skills. But regardless, I still find it dumb that people alter their brain chemistry to aid their performance both in private and in the social arena.
If it were biologically necessary to slur speech while flirting, then by golly, one would think man’s tongue would have evolved into a marble.
As for your side note: I consider myself to be an extroverted introvert. I dare myself to converse with strangers yet I’m usually in my own world when they are speaking – especially, I’m sad to say, when they are speaking in French. A gift for second language acquisition, I have not.
Amy,
Thank you again for writing “The Teetotaler Maifesto…”. I am reminded that I am not alone each time a new comment is added. This brings me great comfort. Perhaps next year, after graduation, I’ll update my opinion on alcohol yet again.
Lauren-
After posting yesterday, I was worried that I had unfairly singled you out. I am glad that you did not take offense. It seems that your opinion of moderated drinkers has evolved the way mine did. I’m glad you’re staying true to yourself. (And staying away from nasty second-hand carcinogenic vapors)
As far as the introvert/extrovert dichotomy goes, Amy has some interesting blog entries on this subject too. I have always felt that there is a bit of a continuum from one extreme to the other, and most people are somewhere along the sliding scale. Recently, I heard an interview on NPR that threw shyness into the mix. Most definitions seem to consider shyness and introversion to be synonymous. Here, the author (can’t remember her name…) separated shyness out. She defines introversion as a preference to be in smaller groups and to have alone time, and extroversion as a preference to be in bigger groups. To her, shyness is fear of social rejection or judgement, which can be an issue for both introverts and extroverts. This distinction really clicked with me. I still consider myself basically extroverted. But, while I was very shy as a young man, I have overcome this fear of social interactions for the most part.
Amy, sorry for highjacking your forum.
Hello Amy,
I just read this now, and I wanted to say how nice it is to see there are so many people out there that experience the same things. I stopped drinking or doing any sort of intoxicants 11 years ago. I stopped because I wanted to, not for any other reason. I was 18, and I already only drank on occasion but one night I just decided that I had more fun sober and never looked back.
I think anyone who doesn’t drink knows the nightmare of telling someone for the first time that you don’t. The reaction is almost uniformly a “why?”. I don’t make up excuses about family history or health problems, though those are truly both parts of it. My response has evolved into a basic “I just don’t like to drink” which can be hit or miss. Sometimes I get lucky and people take that for what it is, but other times I’m not so lucky and I get more “whys”.
The weirdest reaction to me, and one that happens pretty often actually, is when people feel they need to diminish their drinking habits to me. For instance, someone will mention drinking or ask a question and I’ll respond with a “I don’t drink” and then they shift into “well I don’t drink often” or “I don’t drink all the time”. It’s strange because I do my best to try to come off as far from pompous as possible, but I guess some people feel like just the act of not drinking makes me feel like I’m better than them. That couldn’t be further from the truth though as I don’t care what other people do with their time…I just don’t drink.
Again, great job on this essay, was a super enjoyable read!
I really admire you for writing what you did. Here in the UK a non-drinker is made to feel like a bit of an oddball or a party pooper if they dont drink.
I wrote this when my husband ‘s drink problem was at its worst and I could not take anymore. He is alcohol free at the moment but my son is where his father was 5 years ago – it’s like history repeating itself.
I Saw the Light
My decision to ‘detach’ at last – but with love
Yep, I have at last FINALLY ‘got’ it. I’m not responsible for him. I still have my dreams, things I want to do, dreams I still have which I have put on the sidelines for the past 30 years because I felt responsible for him. Yes, I still care for him, still love him that hasn’t changed but something else has finally clicked with me.
I realised that a big part of my nature is being a people pleaser and trying to keep everybody happy. I was for years tying myself up in knots making sure he was fed and watered, juggling finances, making ends meet, The more I ‘looked after him’ I was actually enabling him to carry on the way he wanted. Okay, if things became too much for me to cope with and I ‘cracked’ under the pressure I would rant and rave and get upset, he would apologise, say he would change. So things would stabilize again with very short periods of ‘normality’. Always in the back of my mind wondering when it would all start up again. A never ending circle, a rollercoaster of emotion up and down round and round on and on.
Suddenly something clicked in my brain today, a light went on. I watched him coming up my path; I was calm, not shaking as I had been a day or two before when I was facing him. He looked at me briefly through the window – he looked apprehensive, worried. I could hear him thinking ‘Here goes, she’s really going to kick-off now – I wonder if she’ll let me through the door? ‘
I let him in – he looked a bit taken aback, worried. I don’t think he was expecting to be let in without a lot of coaxing first and pleading for me to open the door (as had happened God knows how many times in the past)
He must have been thinking “what’s going on here – I’ve never known her to be like this before, not hysterical, crying, questioning, upset with me – and me reassuring her trying to calm her down – sorry, don’t worry, it will never happen again – what’s going on ? ‘
He handed me an envelope with my name in his handwriting on the envelope. Another letter of apology to add to all the other ones from him over our 30 year relationship. Two days ago I would have just torn it in half in front of him (and later on my own would have read it just to read the words of apology, excuses, his love for me and the usual phrase I WILL NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN – I PROMISE”)
As I looked at him everything suddenly I felt a wonderful sense of clarity and relief – then the words came out of my mouth calmly and firmly “I am not going to feel responsible for you any more – I can’t change anyone but ME”. Just a simple sentence but I went on to tell him how I was going to be responsible for me and no one else from now on. I think the penny finally dropped with him at last. Hopefully he has at last seen that I have found my own centre of peace – calm and happy with the decision I have made. I have told him that I only want to see him once a week when he could either come up with my eldest son (who is in recovery) for Sunday lunch as a family. I wanted to reassure him that I wasn’t abandoning him or my son completely. I had a feeling then that he would object to this, so I just said that my decision had changed drastically from yesterday when I had more or less made up my mind that enough was enough and that I never wanted to see him at all, EVER, but that was yesterday this is today and something had happened to me to change my mind. I think he took that on board and seemed to accept what I was saying. I think I got the message over that I still love and care for him but that I just could not go back to where we had been over 3 years ago when he had stopped drinking. I had seen what life should have been like when he was off the alcohol and I couldn’t go through it again if he was back on it.
There had always been such a lot of drama while he was in drink from arguing and disagreements (no physical violence, thank God); from now on I told him that the only drama I want now would be based on excitement from good and positive things and experiences.
I’ve always been over giving; over caring and putting my needs last. He knew this and to a certain extent played on it. This is not a good thing to be too much like this as I just made myself feel resentful sometimes and just tired out most of the time. I used to think “why can’t he help me out for a change?” I can see my part in helping to create this situation in my relationship with my husband (and then with my son).
All that time and energy I wasted trying to make him change I can now use that energy in a positive way. And now, all of a sudden the pressure has just lifted off me. I can only change things no one else can.
I will be in control of my life, I am not a doormat, and MY needs are important. I will set boundaries in my life to keep me healthy and to walk in integrity. I just need to believe and put them into practice in my life. From now on, my integrity, heart and goals are my driving forces.
Where did all that come from? – I believe that the God who looks after me has helped me to find the clarity to free me from that I feel powerless over.
I was just so tired of leaking my energy on his and my son’s behalf and so I have decided to make a choice to do the work to heal myself instead. If I feel like this I can help others too. Its early days and it’s been a very emotional week, but in my heart of hearts I know I have at last done the right thing which hopefully in the long run will create a better relationship with him and my son. I’ve ‘detached’ – but with love.
My friend has warned me that my partner is very likely to try to get me back into the dynamic of the ‘old roles’ so I am going to try to be prepared for this. I will take each day as it comes without having to worry about what could happen. I’ll just be more prepared for it.
I hope that this will give you all out there in the same position as me the strength to look at things the way they really are and to come to a decision about the way you want to live the rest of your life.
Tinacee
Thank you for this beautiful essay. I know from personal ongoing experience how hard it is to pull back from dysfunctional patterns and stop being a people pleaser, and it’s encouraging to hear about other people who are going through similar things.
I’m sending good thoughts your way!
Thank you Amy for your nice comments about my ‘post’
Thank you. It’s good to know that there are other people out there with the same views on this! Neither of my parents drink (although they did in their day), so I never particularly felt the need or desire to either.
People say I “have to try it!”. I’ve used the “it tastes like piss” excuse as well, as all fizzy drinks do to me, but then I get the “well it’s not about the taste!”. Except, I don’t particularly feel the need to consume high quantities of a drink I clearly don’t like just so I can get to some state (drunkenness) that I may or may not like.
The only reason I would drink alcohol would be to stop having people ask me why I don’t, and that’s a piss-poor reason.
I read an excellent post on boundaries today that I think applies: http://jimhines.livejournal.com/636066.html Really, if you say no, then you mean no. This should always be okay.
My reason for not drinking has always been a form of rebellion against a society that actively encourages people to consume a poison which has the potential to ruin lives (which I have seen at first hand) whilst putting pot smokers in jail and making them feel like criminals for doing something that is, while far from harmless, much safer than alcohol. Its also a backlash against a society which treats alcoholics as degenerates and worthless whilst treating teetotallers like myself as socially abnormal, simply for choosing to abstain from the substance which might lead to alcoholism. I think its all very backward and a confused way of thinking and I don’t want any part of it. Also in my eyes people who get wasted are in no way better then those getting high on drugs – what’s the difference? At least on pot you don’t fall around throwing up and put yourself in danger and yet what’s more socially acceptable? I used to drink a little bit not much and since I stopped I have almost no anxiety, depressiong etc and always have loads of energy and good skin. I have peace of mind! Why would I sacrifice that just because some insecure moron asks me why I don’t drink? I’m not gonna cave to social pressure over something as ridiculous as alcohol which is after all just a by product of fermentation. If you think of it that way saying no becomes a lot easier and feels a lot less abnormal.
Also I’ve noticed from being in pubs in the last couple of years that more and more people are drinking soft drinks or shandys than ever before. I’m sure some may be designated drivers etc but I have a feeling that drinking, like smoking, may be becoming more anti social. I reckon with the way more and more people are looking after their health with more gym memberships than ever before etc that in 10 years there will be more teetotalers and being one won’t be met with with any disapproval. But PLEASE can someone, anyone help me out here. Why are non drinkers treated like such oddballs when alcoholics are looked at as morally bankrupt wrongdoers? I know there’s a middle ground – moderation – but from what I’ve seen of many young people and older folk in pubs, loads of people (alcoholic or not) can’t stop at one because it IS a moreish substance afterall. Sorry for rambling but just need somewhere to vent a little frustration. On a lighter note my local pub has started selling tetley tea and coffee. So when people are pre drinking on a friday night and I order a coffee I can just say “oh its a just a little something to pep me up for the night” LOL
Hi Amy,
I have never been so excited to read something that clicked so readily with me, so I would like to thank you a million times over in advance for that. I am eighteen years old I have never taken a sip of alcohol to date. I am heading off to college this fall, and although it’s an exciting prospect to think about, it’s also ringed with expectations I know I’ll ultimately get judged for by not following. My choice to not drink is not upheld by a religious ante nor any kind of medical or family history reason; I have just never felt any kind of particular curiosity or longing towards alcohol. I suppose that around the age in which most kids my age were starting to closely study the sangrias and beers in their parents’ liquor cabinets while occasionally stealing a sip, I just skipped over that period of adolescent development entirely. Doing what during that section of my life, I can’t recall clearly. However, what I can remember is bits and pieces – a blip of a trilling laugh when talking to my friends, golden sunshine, flying hair in the wind, hands busy turning the pages of a book or making whimsical craft projects as opposed to the hands of my peers that were clutched clumsily around a bottle or on the rim of the toilet bowl on a Saturday night. A life is short, shorter than I would like, and I don’t – and never have – seen the appeal in making so-called “memories” during my youth and later years under the haze of alcohol. I want to live my years in a wholesome and fully conscious way, and judge me as relentlessly as you want, but I don’t think, in my opinion, that such an existence will be possible if my recollection of last Friday night is different from everyone else’s.
I truly thought I would never find someone else in this world who felt the same way about alcohol as I did, so once again, thank you very much for taking the time for writing such a wonderful article about a sensitive issue.
First off, great blog 🙂
Secondly, I’m the same way about drinking (especially the bits about doing stupid things on your own terms, & about having actual social skills). Well, maybe not exactly the same – I used to not drink ever cos I felt there was almost something immoral about it, based on seeing others drunk & hearing stories from them. Now I’ve let that go a little (I realized it’s not true- I mean, one drink every now and then won’t kill anyone) but I never EVER drink to get drunk or tipsy or anything. I think if drinks as being like desserts; you have maybe one on any given day, but not too often cos that’s unhealthy, and you have it cos you like the taste of it. A lot of people look at me weird when they find out I’ve never even been tipsy, and it has made things awkward at times… but it’s worth it to be able to stick to your guns.
My thing that always causes tension and friction – even here it’s hard to just say! – is that I’m Christian. Talk about getting stereotyped, especially as someone who’s typically offbeat and free-spirited. Honestly, people can be real jerks when it comes to this stuff – for example, I don’t think it’s okay to be gay. It’s like, I say that, and then suddenly it doesn’t matter if I’m kind and respectful to everyone, or if I have friends that are gay, in the eyes of too many people, I’m some hate-spewing crazy fundamentalist bigot. Add to that that I’m a young-earth creationist, and suddenly I become an idiot to them, and it doesn’t matter that I have a master’s degree in anthropology and probably know more about evolution and dating methods than most people. I’ve even been baited to join conversations where the sole intent was to gang up on me and tell me how horrible I am, and these are people who say they’re in support of love and tolerance. I run up against stereotypes so often, and the reactions can be SO negative, that I actually tried not telling people about it until they got to know me better, which didn’t work very well either. I’m only just now starting to force myself to be honest with others about my beliefs and just hope for the best. It’s been difficult, but coming to grips with the reality that I might lose something, but being honest anyway, has been really freeing. A bonus is that sometimes I find people who really do respect and care about me, and don’t judge or stereotype me just cos they disagree with me.
On the other hand, I often run in to Christians who stereotype me for being, well, not a stereotypical Christian. You just can’t win lol. So I’m teaching myself not to care at all 😛
Good for your, Sheila. It’s very human to want to categorize (i.e., judge) and assign people labels etc….it’s also very healthy to try and step back from that and see if it’s at all productive or positive. Maybe there is a different way of doing things etc….well done on your drinking decisions! Merry Christmas
Great post, Amy! I’ve been a teetotaler my whole life for a variety of reasons, and I recently found out that a family I love and trust and who know I don’t consume alcohol has routinely invited me over for dinners that have contained alcohol in the ingredients. I get it; the alcohol burns off or whatever. However, I still feel like there’s something malicious about this, given that they know I’m a teetotaler. For me, this is on par with serving someone a pot brownie and waiting until after they’ve eaten it to mention it was laced. I’m sure it’s irrational for me to be so inconsolable/inflexible on this one, but it’s just how I am. Oh, and the aforementioned family always makes a special dish for the vegetarian who’s usually on the guest list. Thank you for letting me vent.
Good job with this post, Amy! It’s been a year old and wow you’re getting comments every month that passed. I can relate big time to your experiences especially being asked that WHY question. Like it’s even our responsibility to explain ourselves.
I have the same reason for not drinking: family history. I watch my grandfather, my dad, m elder sister get so messed up with their lives because of alcohol. I didn’t wanna end up like them but I knew it was not just about them. And I grew up watching my friends who feel like they’re transitioning from teenagers to be more like adults because they get to drink now. I just never feel the ‘need’ to belong in the group by joining them drink. There is peer pressure maybe earlier but I’m lucky to have friends who do understand my choice. But some of them are just annoying. I had nothing against them for drinking as long as they have nothing against me for not drinking.
I’m a guy by the way.
Thanks for being a voice that represents us, teetotalers. 🙂
It was a relief to find this blog. I’m an almost 30 year old female who has never been into drinking. I guess I can no longer claim “teetotaler”, as since I’ve been with my boyfriend of the last few years, I’ve sipped a few of his drinks, mostly just to try them. That, in itself is a big deal for me, and I think it speaks volumes of the trust I have for my boyfriend. I’ve never been remotely ok enough with being around alcohol to even entertain the thought of trying any. I’ve never been buzzed or drunk, though, and it is not something I make a habit of doing.
I do have family reasons to not drink, but I also have a big problem with, like you said, not owning my actions, for better or worse. And, the shit tastes horrible. And honestly, I think it’s kind of stupid. Yeah, I said it. And I mean it. *shrugs* I’ve seen many lives wrecked by it, and I feel like drinking or doing drugs is taking an unnecessary risk with your life. I’ve worked damn hard to get to where I am, and I just don’t feel comfortable starting to do something that could easily rip that away from me. Also, I hate to vomit. I’m not doing anything that might make me vomit. LOL
I don’t know. I don’t like the questions about why, and I don’t particularly enjoy the company of drunk people. I definitely feel like the odd man out most of the time in group settings… that doesn’t so much bother me, but what does is feeling like a huge downer, even if I’m not trying to be uptight about it. I don’t so much mind my guy having a drink with dinner or when we’re just hanging out together, but I don’t like being with a group at all, really. I find that it’s a really big turnoff if I’m with a group and my boyfriend gets to the point of acting goofy. He pretty much never gets that way when it’s just the two of us, but I’m sure that being with a group is what encourages him.
Ok, so he’s a grown-ass man, and he respects me and loves me, and I would never ask him to not drink, because that would just make him resent me, but if I’m totally honest, I wish he didn’t have the urge at all. I would be more comfortable with that. The thought of using or being around the use of drugs and alcohol makes me pretty uncomfortable. I can’t be the only person who has ever felt this way. Do any of you have advice on being a teetotaler who loves a once-in-a-while social drinker? Does it bother you, or not bother you? And if it bothers you, do you just overlook it, or what? I mean, he’s responsible about it. I think I’m more extreme than I need to be (family issues rearing their ugly head here). Just trying to find a way to deal.
Sorry if this is considered hijacking your blog comments, but after reading through, it seemed like a nice place to ask, what with all the teetotalers finding their way here. 🙂
Hey “Girl”,
No, you are not the only one who has ever felt this way. I feel it every time I’m with people…friends, family, and lovers included.
It’s hard to overlook, even when you really want to. It really bothers me; thus, I am not close to many people. When I find myself falling for a guy, I just have to subtly bring it up with him. I need to know where he stands on the issue and at what lengths he’s willing to go to make sure I’m comfortable. But I don’t flat out tell him I hate alcohol from the start.
Now, it depends on the person you’re with whether or not you can confide in him/her about your aversion to it and/or whether or not their reaction will fill you with relief or regret. A good way I’ve found to feel people out so you know whether or not you can tell him/her your life story is to compare teetotalism to vegetarianism. First ask the person if he/she would eat meat in front of a vegetarian. If yes, then ask if he/she would still do so if it made the vegetarian uncomfortable to the point of tears. If still yes, explain that to you, alcohol is no different than meat to a vegetarian. It makes you sad – it disgusts you. If the person balks at this then I’d suggest slowly detaching yourself from this person as he/she will forever disregard your feelings and will cause you much despair in all social settings where booze replaces water.
I don’t know if this helps you, but I wish you luck. Stay strong, and remember: don’t change your beliefs for a man who won’t change his behavior for you.
Oh wow, do I hear you about the vomiting thing. 🙂
I’m glad you brought this up, because it can be hard to deal with or even talk about. And I think this problem is particularly loaded when it comes to a significant other because your SO is the family that you choose, so old family issues come up more readily, and developing a strong bond of trust is more important.
I don’t have any “answers” for you but here are my thoughts based on my own experience. It is your boyfriend’s choice whether he drinks and how much he drinks, as you said, but it is okay for you to tell him if that ever makes you uncomfortable. I suggest you try to stay away from judgmental language, though, and just tell him honestly how you feel and why you feel that way. I have had some boyfriends who, after I explained how I felt to them, chose not to drink around me in order to be supportive.
If your boyfriend continues to drink around you, though, then you can ask yourself if there’s something else either of you can do to make you feel safer at these times. Like, maybe you need some reassurance during or after those group events, or maybe there’s certain group activities that would be more fun for you. Or maybe you need more support if other people you are with are acting in ways that make you uncomfortable. If you don’t enjoy these group events at all, maybe you can limit how many you attend. Etc. Ultimately the two of you will need to work out a compromise that both of you can live with.
It’s also fine if, like for Lauren, the alcohol is a deal breaker for you. You get to decide what your boundaries are and what level of discomfort you’re willing or able to deal with.
Hi Amy
Deeply appreciate your commitment to your lifestyle choice. Its been over a year this this thread started and the fact that people are still posting (and you are responding) reflects the significance of the topic.
And yes, it is easy to say “NO” if there is a deep burning “YES” within, yes to our values. You and other people who have posted their thoughts and logic here inspire me. This is one way we all can stick to our path. I am sure if people like us find other interesting social/entertainment options and like minded people to meet, the topic of “alcohol” would become irrelevant.
Wish you the best.
Anand
wow as I was reading this I kept on thinking…this is me. I am glad to know I am not the only “socially unfitted” like I have been described many times by “drinkers”. I still hate alcohol with passion . I do not drink and I will not drink ever and I will never be pressured by those who think you are abnormal for not wanting to drink. Like you say, it is my choice and I also have to suffer through many get togethers with people that do drink and some in excess. Lately I do not want to attend since I am very alert and then everyone else is either lethargic or involved in stupid conversations due to the alcohol level. Its hard for those who do not drink to participate with those who do. I rather do some other activity by myself or with others that share my same view.
I too have been teetotal for around 3 years now, having been addicted to drugs and drinking in my teens and lived with an alcoholic parent. I hate the ‘why’ reaction – it is incredibly rude to ask someone that – it’s so personal and I am only in my mid-twenties so I still go out clubbing and to parties but don’t drink. I thankfully have a great group of friends who totally get it, and don’t pressure me to drink. I don’t have your confidence any more though, if I’m out I order non-alcoholic cocktails and just pretend they have alcohol in if a stranger asks! Big respect to you, we teetotalers are not boring we just don’t need booze to make us interesting!
Hi, I came across your article just now looking for holidays for tee-totalars (I failed miserably as most 18-35 tours involve some partying). My friends are very supportive of me not drinking and don’t pressure me at all. I’m not boring (although I do feel it sometimes when around those that do) but that is something I should work on myself. I wish there was a website or something to meet like-minded people (its especially difficult to find boyfriends who don’t drink). All my friends drink but i love hanging out with them until I feel they are drinking excessively and the main reason is I have a phobia of vomit and don’t want to be around people at these times. Very interesting article thank you!
Ok. I’m stumped. Are you a wishy-washy person? Because I’m nearing 50. Never drank. Why? I don’t like how it tastes and any beverage that’s going change your personality is…well, stupid. A few people have asked me, of course. I merely reiterated that I do not drink because I’m not interested and they left it at that. No, wait, no, all of them said something to the effect of, “Good for you,” and “I wish I didn’t.” Never been hassled. Never been peer-pressured. Are you saying it in such a way that they hear in your voice that you want to be talked into it and are you using this as a way for attention? Because I don’t think that I have had so much better friends and acquaintances than you my whole life nor do I believe that society has changed so drastically that no doesn’t mean no. So really, I’m baffled. What kind of people get harassed for not drinking?
K, I’m glad you have never been hassled about not drinking but I’m certainly not stumped by Amy’s experience. I know exactly where Amy is coming from and I don’t think she is being wishy-washy. I have a few friends that know I don’t drink, they don’t drink much themselves (they used to not drink as well but fell to the peer pressure I was able to avoid) and these few wont bother me about it but most other people that ask why I don’t drink are usually already a little on the defensive when they ask, as if they know they shouldn’t be drinking and/or my not drinking caste their choice/will power in a negative light.
If I tell them I’m allergic or it’s for religious reasons (both lies) that usually stops the conversation right there and it’s the end of the story. The allergic excuse usually gets the “wow that’s terrible I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t drink.” It also usually eliminates future inquiries as to if I want to drink when/if I see these people again. The religious excuse will get the “Oh, okay, that’s cool” and then it’s over but only if you don’t have to encounter the people again at another time. Otherwise if your in a college setting where you will run into these people again they will eventually test your conviction.
If I tell the truth that I’m making a conscience and deliberate choice not to drink I will be challenged:
“Have your ever drank…how do you know what it’s like if you haven’t tried”
“Oh you can just have one…”
“Well they say having___ a day is good for you…”
Or
“What, you just don’t like the taste…just wait tell I make ___ for you. You wont even taste the alcohol.”
If for some reason I make the mistake of telling them the real reason I don’t drink “I refuse to purposely put anything into my body and especially my brain that will damage it.” At minimum I’ll get some massively hard feelings and at often the other person will start arguing to justify their choice to drink and demonize my choice not to. In my experience no matter how gracefully I tell them that I am deliberately choosing not to drink I will be constantly tested through the gathering and every subsequent gathering I am at with these people. In college I used to have to watch the drinks to make sure they didn’t slip something in my drink without my knowledge and I never excepted a “virgin” anything that I didn’t watch being made. Even now I still get remarks like “we should make a ___ and give it to Josh.” “Hey Josh just try it.” and so on.
I admire Amy for her conviction. I have yet to meet a woman that has this type of fortitude without a religious aspect behind it. Bravo.
I’m really glad to hear that you’ve never had any problem with this kind of thing. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there are many different kinds of experiences that exist out there in the wide world. No, I don’t think I say “no” to alcohol in such a way that people think I want to be talked into it. And no, I don’t want to get attention because of my choice.
I don’t agree with your belief that no does mean no in our society. I can think of so many examples in which this is not always true. But again, I’m really glad you haven’t had to deal with any of it. It’s not fun at all.
Thank you for posting this. This is something I’ve always struggled with explaining as well, and you put it on the page so beautifully. I’m glad you were able to overcome the resistance to posting this. Thank you!
Amy, I appreciate your sharing this topic. I walked away from alcohol 3 and a half years ago after more than 27 years of drinking. I tended to drink daily, get buzzed a lot drunk occasionally and black out a few times a year. It ruined relationships, jobs, and cost me a lot of money. I don’t go to AA meetings, I just quit cold turkey and haven’t looked back. I grew up around alcohol. Both parents had relatives that had died from alcoholism. It has taken me a few years of time just to get answers to why I began drinking at such a young age and why was it such a necessary part of my m.o. It didn’t take much thought to realize that it had a lot to do with being bullied and not accepted in middle school. I’m not placing blame on others. I chose alcohol to hide from my hurt, to power through my insecurities, and to add insulation to my oversensitivity.
Making this choice began a series of positive outcomes with my life and allowed me opportunities I didn’t have or couldn’t see when I was drinking. I believe that your maturity and growth go on pause when you drink the way I did and then begin again once removed. At 45, I am for the first time working toward a career and figuring out a future.
What is most challenging and disturbing is how difficult it is to be accepted and included in many social events. Most of my friends have fallen away. Most co workers and new friends seem to find a leper quality in my lifestyle. I am not included in many parties and social functions. I’m not sure how much of it is other people not wanting to be a bad influence on me or that people feel more self-conscious around a sober person when they are wanting to let their hair down and have a good time. As much as I embrace my choice, it is very isolating. I continue to see the good that has come from my sobriety. I just wish that people realized that this is a much better me than the hot mess I was before. I suspect many people see me as a mirror they might not want to look into. I think they think I would judge them. I have no room to judge. Someone once said: “I’m not trying to be better than anyone else. I am just trying to be a better me.” I don’t regret my decision and continue to enjoy the journey I am on.
Thanks again Amy for creating this thought provoking dialogue. Kudos!
As a teetotaler I loved this essay and totally sympathized with it’s content and I know exactly where my aversion to drinking comes from. I literally grew up in the music business and I’m still in it. It’s ruined me for drinking or drugging. My earliest memories are napping in a bar booth during rehearsal, riding on a tour bus and being set a bar top my dad (the musician) had to converse with the bar owner during the closed hours. I had my first taste of alcohol at around age five, it was an accident. My dad was playing a wedding for family and some drunk distant aunt of mine mistakenly gave me the wrong drink. It was a honest mistake, they were all red solo cups after all.
It’s the smell, the taste and what it does to people. I’ve seen people who are rather pleasant while sober turn into monsters once you get a little drink in them. No it doesn’t affect everyone the same and everyone has a different tolerance level, but the majority have a bad or stupid personality change, it’s rarely a benign transformation. Though, I wish more were benign.
These days I’m surrounded by people who are under the influence of one substance or another 100% of the time. I work in the glorious world famous New Orleans French Quarter. (no i’m not being sarcastic, i love this city) I actually like it during the day, before everyone wakes up. Before the locals and tourists convene to puke and defecate on the sidewalks. Before the pot holes fill with wasted drinks and other bodily fluids. Rather recently I’ve had a group of tourists get very angry at me for refusing an alcoholic drink. They were from Australia I believe and were a stag party, looking to get there party on in the big easy. Given I’m attached to the entertainment industry and it’s bad PR to be mean (even if I’m in the background) it took rather intimidating ‘uncle’ to shoo them away from his ‘niece’ when they refused to take no for an answer.
I literally can’t go a night without having to explain why I don’t drink. The response i get vary’s from person to person. But I’ve noticed that men seem to be quicker to befuddlement and ire than women, who simply don’t seem to care. Though, I’m relatively certain that the men become emotional because it mean’s that they can’t get me drunk and bang me. God forbid they actually have to rely on their own charm to seduce me rather than the cloudy libidinous haze of intoxication.
The best excuse I use when I’m away from the city on a gig for WHY is ‘I’m the designated driver’. It doesn’t work for in New Orleans though for some reason. I imagine it’s because we have such a high incident of drunk drivers anyway that people figure that one more wouldn’t hurt.
Here in the city when I get the WHY, I usually just say I’m working. But that doesn’t really work either because even people who work down here are getting there buzz on. So I get the curious dog look and then I continue with, I’m a local. If they persist, I say something along the lines of ‘thank you for the offer but I’m not here to party.’ And generally I get left alone at that point. If not then I get one of my extended family members to ‘politely’ intrude on the conversation.
My favorite ‘Only sober person in the room’ moments are: no one can pronounce my name right unless your family. Drunk people just can’t get it at all for some reason. The retelling of stories you’ve heard a million times, and they are always in the style of ‘no really the fish was this BIG.’ And my all time favorite, the drunk guy that’s so drunk he’s squinting and falling off his chair but still thinks he’s got a chance with me.
I’ll end this with saying I don’t hate people that drink. Or even people who drink to excess. Not all of my experiences have been bad, I actually have many good ones while surrounded by people who were completely blitz. I don’t care if people want to tie one on, it’s their business. In fact I’m in favor of tourists who tie one on in the French Quarter. Just can I ask, please stop peeing on the street, it’s just eww. (and this goes for you locals to, NO EXCUSE!) People have to use those side walks. And there’s no bar that will stop you from popping in to pop a squat, they can’t by law.
So anyway, I’ve managed to ramble on for quite a while. Great essay, even if it was written a while ago. You’ve brought up and delved into topic that is meaningful to me on a deeply personal level. I’m glad you posted it despite your apprehension. Here’s to backbones tempered by the fires of time and experience.
I wish I could meet each and every one of you! I commented earlier as “Girl”, but I’m ready to show myself now. I have started a Facebook group called “Teetotalers Anonymous”. It’s got a whopping 5 people in it now! LOL If you’d like to join, I’d love to have you. We can change the name if anyone thinks of something clever. I just feel that we need support. It’s hard being the odd one out all the time. Please join us here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/185997634887798/
I found you on facebook and would like to join Teetotalers Anonymous on Facebook, if I could.
I have posted on this site previously under my name “Tina” on 21st April 2012. Please read my story if you have the time.
Tina, you’re in! So glad to have you! ❤
Thank you Blu
I’m a teetotaler, I don’t drink, or smoke, or do drugs, and I never have nor will I ever. I for one am completely judge mental of the person who drinks. I don’t understand the way someone must think to take a toxin into their body and enjoy it while it makes them weaker, even if that weakness is temporary. So I judge, but frankly there are far worse things I could judge people on. I just don’t like people who choose to be weak.
Wow — Probably not going to be able to add much to this stream, judging by the long string of comments! I just wanted to say that I’m in the very same camp. You probably noticed when we’re sitting at conventions that I’m just downing cherry Cokes.
And I usually have to go through the same dance with people who ask why I don’t drink. A. don’t like the taste. B. Men in my family could never hold their drink and I don’t want to be either scary or an ass.
I guess the only exception I make is when at weddings — if there’s a champagne toast to the happy couple I always join in.
Due to the societal changes and growing influence of media on young minds, many teens take to drinking quickly and cannot abstain thanks to peer-pressure even knowing the adverse health effects. Ofcourse, its an individual choice but its equally important that people give space and respect others who do not share their interests. That’s the whole point Amy has made in this post.
Here is what I wrote about Teetotalism
http://musingsmith.blogspot.in/2014/09/why-are-you-teetotaler.html
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Yes, i don’t drink. I realized that lot of people my age have started drinking, and i’m determined to stray away from it.
I don’t drink either 🙂 I’m not interested in drinking. On a pros and cons list, there isn’t a single pro for me drinking and about 10 different cons I can name just in this instance. Plus, I am a female who looks rather young for my age. I attribute abstinence for making my skin look so great! 🙂 Its nice to read others feel the same way towards teetotalism.
Funny, I like to drink to be more like other ppl and that makes life more fun. I find ppl who don’t drink at all more judgemental (which contributes to their stance).
I quit drinking for Dry January this year and have decided not to continue. Unfortunately I made many mistakes and found alcohol put many barriers up for me in terms of mental and social development and personal progression. It’s really rubbish how most of the people within my social circles have reacted (potentially aided by the fact that I work in a pub) but I’m glad that you took the time to write this post and let me know that I’m not alone 🙂 if you have time I’d love for you to check out my post regarding my Dry January reflection: http://playmeee.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/come-play-during-my-dry-january.html?m=1
Hii this article did enlighten me..I am from India and I feel here a transition towards the bad has started happening..A larger percentage of youngsters here are addicted..N that has ruined many a lives already..I have planned to do a presentation on “WHY I CHOSE TO BE A TEETOTALER ” and ur post has given me a lot of insight..:-D..Thanks for that..
Amy, Wow you story almost resembles mine, we are twinses on this experience. When I read you comment about dating and the two conversations, change the noun from mom to dad, and we are identical. Often when I am confronted with this issue, I switch to discussing other food. I will find a food they don’t particular like and I will ask them all the same questions I get about not drinking. It often boils down to, how often do you think about not eating or liking for example asparagus. Oh really you don’t think about it that often, you just don’t eat or order it. Well for 99% of my life I am not confronted about my alcohol consummation, I don’t lay in bed contemplating why i don’t drink. It’s only the 5 min conversations where I am interrogated and asked to answer questions until I satisfy your cognitive dissonance on why someone would choose not to drink. It doesn’t matter what i say until it can be boiled down to religious, allergy, or alcoholism. People don’t understand that alcohol doesn’t exists in my reality unless you force there. Even if I am having a conversation with a drunk person, my perception is about the human interaction not the alcohol that was or is being consumed. I understand the effects of drinking, but that doesn’t mean my focus is only the substance that was consumed.
Thank you for writing this post so many years ago….I am thankful I found it now. My son has had 3 major illnesses in the near past, and cannot drink alcohol now…there is so much pressure to fit in, and it seems like most every social situation involves alcohol. (He is 22 and in college.) I am forwarding your blog post to him in hopes of encouraging him, giving him strategies, and just knowing there are so many others who are in the same boat and are happy (not to mention, healthy!) I read through all your responses as well, and were blown away by the intelligent and thoughtful comments. I just googled “Teetotaler strategies”, and there you were! Bless you!
7 years later . . . I resisted getting a smartphone for years. It was amazing how quickly it transformed people and I didn’t want to be a zombie like that. I was kind of proud of being different that way. I wanted to resist drinking in the same way but I didn’t for some reason. Now I think it is time.
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